Secrets And Lies
Since leaving Kajagoo-goo spiky headed mirror kisser Limahl claims to have become a millionaire with his “Celebs in Your Community” business. He says the idea started when he had fallen on hard times after a “severe head trauma”. Thankfully He recovered and was able to work as an HGV driver for a well-known West Midland Haulage company. It was during this time that fate intervened!!
Upon delivering a number of compressors and other such industrial equipment to a small business in Stourbridge he noticed the reaction to his presence there. Limahl takes over the story: –
“I noticed everyone staring at me, and a crowd gathered around my vehicle. Suddenly a portly middle aged chap said ” Oi yow ! Yow is tha’ bloke from tha’ 80’s pop group, sing us a song will yow ” – Well it was very embarrassing, but I gave a stunning acapella version of my biggest hit “Too Shy”. Alas they thought I was the bloke who sang “Love Plus One” but no matter, a germ of an idea was sown that day”
Yes Limahl saw the impact a major celebrity had on what he terms “Normal Folk” and he claims he started a business based on this very experience. Now for a nominal fee you can have your goods delivered by the likes of Tony Blackburn, Lenny Bennett, Duncan Norville even Stu Francis!!
“Imagine the thrill of popping in to your local Spar, ” drones Limahl, “to be served by Kenneth Brannagh in the Shakespearean style, in full costume and stage make-up! Or popping into the local KFC to be served by Michaela Strachen And Pete Waterman recreating their “Hitman And Her ” glory days. How about driving Lessons with Les Dennis? David Dickinson as your pub landlord for a night? Maybe Gary Wilmot could help you out with swimming lessons. Or possibly David Van Day and Thereza Bazar could deliver your milk one morning? You might consider Childminding with Dennis Waterman, or even Pilates with Keith Harris And Orville? The impact on your business cannot be underestimated ”
“I myself” prattles Limahl “once thought a schoolboy was thieving my Wheelie bin, only to find it was Wee Jimmy Krankie , working for Onyx Waste Disposal for a day. How I laughed! ”
Limahl , or to use is real name, Christopher Hammill is currently being detained detained under the Mental Health Act 1983 at Rampton Secure Hospital.
Amelia Earhart invented the worlds first tracking system for the aviation industry. She unsuccessfully tested it. Just the once.
L Frank Baum’s ” Wizard Of Oz ” was based on real events
In drama class Sienna Millers love of Bean
and Broccoli broth led to her being given the unfortunate nickname “Windy”
Glenn Millers ” Super Douper Its A Real Pea Souper ” was due to hit record shops on the 18th of December ,1944. It has never been released out of respect to the Miller family.
Robbie Williams has been declared “Most Annoying Man of the Year” by 99% of the right thinking world’s population. Fifth year running. Mr Williams was said to be in rehab again after hearing the news. His marriage to Jonathan Wilkes has been put on ice. Indefinitely.
Since her last tour Avril Lavigne has become an obsessive Train Spotter . She had taken to wearing wellingtons a Cagoule, carrying a Tupperware box and a flask of weak tea everywhere with her at the height of this obsession. Her efforts to spot every piece of rolling stock known to exist for particular railroad companies all over Canada led to her latest album “The Best Damn Thing” being much delayed. It also details her manic behaviour and her recovery from such a debilitating habit. It’s a harrowing tale
Actress Jean Alexander invented the Lacoste crocodile logo in between takes on Coronation Street.
Linda Barker has found employment as a navigational aid for mariners. In foggy conditions, when visual navigation aids such as lighthouses are obscured by the weather, Barker now provides an audible warning of rocks, headlands, or other dangers to shipping.
Despite reports that his hair is made from wire wool, brillo pads and iron filings, Jeremy Paxmans luxurious bouffant is actually woven with The finest Cashmere and silk. Apparently this process happens at least three times a week and the onerous task is carried out by orphaned Peruvian children of the Yam Yop tribe. These poor, yet highly skilled urchins are flown to London at licence payers expense to personally weave these extensions for the vain and bellicose Mr Paxman. He was unavailable for comment as of yesterday. However his agent did tell “The VonPip Express ” to “Fuck Off”
Camp designer and professional mincer Jean Paul Gaultier was actually born Albert Worthington, April 24, 1952, His first job was as a miner in Yorkshire. Sadly young Albert was sacked due to “inappropriate attire and lewd conduct ” Colleague Stanley Ribbleston recalls “ Alby used to turn up wearing a Kilt and a pink helmet, he’d mince around t’mine shouting “Oooh Matron ” in a fookin’ big gay French accent. Once I caught him feeding marmite soldiers to Dolly the pit pony, he were a right little fruit and pit was no place for ‘im “
However losing his job was a blessing in disguise for the flamboyant Albert who since changing his name and pretending to be French has become one of the worlds leading and most beloved fashion designers.
Before being discovered on the comedy circuit much loved family entertainer Ronnie Corbett was once a bare knuckle fighter known as ” Wee Iron Ronnie Balfour” who plied his brutal trade on the mean streets of Edinburgh . Actor Gordon Jackson once witnessed Wee Ronnie in action ” Aye he, was one vicious little cunt ” he recalled.
Ronnie was undefeated in 50 bouts .
Scotland is actually the mythical land of Narnia, and could be accessed through Andy Stewarts wardrobe on certain Holy days during the 1970’s . Sadly since Stewarts death in 1993 , the portal to this magical land appears to have been sealed forever.
“The Safety Dance ” was a big hit for Canada’s “Men Without Hats” in the 1980s. Lead “man without a hat” Ivan Doroschuk worked on a building site for a short period when the band split in 1991 (After releasing SEVEN albums no less). Ivan tragically survived falling 9 foot from scaffolding on one paticularly perilous building site (nicknamed, with typical Canadian wit – “the dangerous building site”) and fracturing his noggin. He recalls, “the irony was I actually did wear my safety hat, otherwise I think I would of ended up a bit dead or a bit of a spastic at least”
In 2003 Men Without Hats reunited and released a new album, “No Hats Beyond This Point.” It was shit . However this led to a lucrative deal with Canada’s Health and Safety Executive promoting the use of safety hats in the building trade, using the medium of music and dance to get across their hard-hitting message
Rich tea Biscuits contained 60% Elephant ear in the 1950s this was reduced to 30% in the 1970s. However elephant scrotum has since been discovered in many brands . Nobisco being the worse offender
Max Boyce is actually from Colombia . His real name is Luis Gamboa, he is one of South Americas leading Welsh impressionists. He appeared as an imaginary Welsh politician in Tracy Ullmans pop hit ” My Guy”. He also fell over in the sea . Oddly after convincing absolutley nobody that he was a real politician he was employed by Margaret Thatcher to lead the Labour party and make them unelectable. His rhetoric was uncomprehesible and he coined the pharse ” We’re alriiight , we’re alriiight “and” Oggy Oggy Oggy” . Today he masquarades as a Euro MP and ocassional contributor to shows such as ” I Love The 80s” ” Windbag The Sailor” “Newyddion” and “Sgorio “. Patagonians have a statue of him in the town of Trelew, where he is worshipped as a God. Actor Ioan Gruffudd once publically declared he was carrying Gamboas love child the court case left a nasty taste in everybodys mouth.
George Orwells real name is Patti Smith
Kids TV favourite 64 Zoo Lane was actually written and produced by Johnny Marr And Peter Hook . Morrissey provided most of the voice overs for the various characters with the exception of “Lucy” who was played by Siouxsie Sioux.
Kurt Cobain made a guest appearence two days before he accidently put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger
Hawaii Five O actor Jack Lord , once actually sat in the house of Lords for three weeks . It was only when the other Lords awoke from their Port and Stilton induced slumber that the interloper was noticed and prompltly expelled . Mr Lord was arrested by PC Daniel Smith , and yes they did say “Book him Danny”
Grahame Norton has admitted he has never visited “Bottom land ” . He also boasts hes made love to at leasts 50 women a week, including Penelope Cruz , Pamela Anderson , Fiona Bruce , Belinda Carlise , Becki Stephens and Rene Russo ” .
Says Norton ” It doesnt mean Im not gay, lovey ”
Gay rights actvist and Beadle-esque prankster Pete Thatchell has said if Norton refuses to “Come out of the Wardrobe and admit hes a Hetro” he may chain himself to the Arch Bishop of Canterbury again. The Archbishop has now been put on red alert and his armed himself with a brace of particularly lethal looking feather dusters
The Cures Robert Smith was not always a big fat blobby goth. He was once known as Roberto Smithrelli a promising young centre forward for AC Milan . Sadly he accidentally Jumped on someone elses train and missed a vital league match foolishly ending up at the wrong venue
Milans then manager Peter Paul “Paulie Walnuts” Gualtieri sacked Smith on the spot , and admitted “Smith broke down in tears , I tried to comfort him , boys normally dont cry but there was no consoling young Roberto. ” Smith then went on a drink fuelled bender getting lost in a Forest, alone. He began to Shiver and shake and finally at the height of his Disintegration and knew he needed help and to find the cure
Smith states that at first playing for Milan was a dream come true “yeh man it was just Like Heaven” he recalls “But they made me take the walk so I had to find a new direction , I spent a lot of time Staring at the Sea . Then one night , it was actually a Saturday night , 10.15 if i recall – I had an idea “
The rest is history
Green Days Billie Joe Armstrong actually hibernates for two months a year , from the start of August to the end of the following month. His man servant Lional Blair is under strict instructions not to wake him until September ends .
Sir Melvyn Bragg is Billys Uncle.
Liam Gallagher was bummed at school every other day and twice on Saturdays by Harry Paget Flashman.
Tony Blair once appeared in an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer as Giles’ “Groovy English teacher Chum” . Sarah Michelle Gellar complained about him constantly harrassing her . In typical fashion Blair claimed he’d had her best interests at heart and did it for all the right reasons and he had nothing to apologise for.
The idea for the pie scene in “American Pie” was actually based on an infamous incident in which David Blunketts parliamentary colleagues played a terribly cruel trick on him . Funny though . David still doesn’t know it was a pie , and he cant read this so the secrets safe eh !
Michael Barrymore ironically started life as a swimming pool attendant for Waltham Forest Council
Nick Nolte was so poor five years ago he admits to selling a testicle on ebay . Sadly he only made $ 60.00 Dollars
Butlers at Downing Street are trained to skillfully steer Cherie Blair away from her own reflection , if a mirror for example , becomes uncovered , they always have Angleina Jolie masks at hand to quickly hide Cheries, pallid death mask of a face .
In Other News
“Beached Whales Death Ends Happily”
Off the coast of Italy a huge whale , which had been stranded for over a week, has sadly lost its fight for life , despite the efforts of the volunteers and wildlife experts , the whale nicknamed “Monstro” due to it’s size could not be moved back into deeper water
…..But on the bright side when the whale was examined a little wooden puppet boy and a bewhiskered man claiming to be his father where found alive and well, unbelievably inside the whales stomach .!!!
The “Father “,-Gepetto was overwhelmed with emotion , “Its just like a fairy story” he said . Obviously still distressed at his incarceration inside the leviathans stomach he then went on to speak of the inanimate puppet he calls his “son” (named Pinocchio,) “one day he hopes to grow up to be a real boy ,but only if he is kind and honest and true, the blue fairy said so”.
Geppetto stated he was looking forward to getting home to his “family” consisting of a goldfish (“Cleo”) and a cat (“Figaro”) ” there will be much music and dancing ” He also spoke emotionally about a criket named “Jiminy”, who it transpires wears a top hat and is Pinocchio’s official conscience and of an island where little boys turn into donkeys .???
Geppetto Filipepi is currently being detained in a secure unit for his own and the publics safety pending an assessment of his mental health
JIMMY NAIL INSANE !
Jimmy Nail has bought a new merry-go round for a children’s charity, bizarrely all the magical creatures on said merry-go- round feature popular Geordie icons.
Says Jimmy “ imagine the thrill for these wee kiddies to sit on huge plastic versions of legends such as Rodney Bewes , Gazza , Robson and Jerome , Cardinal Basil Hume, Donna Air , Sting ,Lindisfarne, The Venerable Bede and the great mon i’self , John McCririck, whay ay man, it also plays the tune ta “Cushy Butterfield”