Nick Clegg Admits ‘Power Is My Viagra’.

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Nick Clegg does a Sally Bercow

The VP Express  uncovers the capital’s sexiest places: Here Nick Clegg describes the appeal of living in view of David Cameron‘s shiny pink arse.

The view from number 10 is incredibly sexy, particularly at night with the moon and the glow from the old gas lamps. When David  and I were first courting we used to walk along the South Bank and look at the Houses of Parliament. I never realised then how sexy I would find living under Big Dave with his bells chiming.

Politicians as a breed, aside from maybe Eric Pickles, aren’t particularly sexy but I think politics can be sexy because power is an aphrodisiac. I can’t enough of it .  Since Dave became Prime Minister, the number of women who hit him has gone up dramatically. I don’t get jealous because more men hit me too. I think it’s hilarious and extremely flattering that I’ve been referred to as the Barry Chuckle of British politics.


I don’t mind people knowing about my history of one-night stands, broken promises and alcoholism. I was a bit souped-up when I was  Leon Brittain’s  European Union policy adviser in my twenties. I’m not proud of it but I’m not ashamed either. I do feel sexier now I’m older and I’ve stopped drinking. I think I grew up in my thirties and gained control of myself.


For dates I like to go somewhere down to earth, and you can’t get more low brow than crawling in  Hell’s gutter  on a double date with Rebekah Brooks and James Murdoch. I’ve got a sweet tooth so I find puddings, particularly chocolate, very sexy and  it also helps sweeten the bitter pill Lib Dems have been forced to swallow of late. This Valentine’s Day, David is destroying the country in the evening, so I will probably be eating a Chinese takeaway and a bar of chocolate on my own upstairs…just waiting to feel his touch, to bask in his glory and hopefully  enjoy mutual approbation later.   The most romantic thing I’ve ever done for  David is to allow him to f*ck me and my party up our collective arse.  He’s a very lucky man.  “

With apologies to Sally Bercow and The London Evening Standard

“Nick Clegg Waiting on Spine Donor”

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Nick Clegg Sell Out
(Animated Version.)

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Let’s face it, news that politicians lie is nothing new.  Liberal Democrat leader and spineless political shape-shifter of no fixed ideology, Nick Clegg conned many before the election with his oily slickness during the nations first televised TV debates.  Little by little  the carefully constructed façade of  earnest integrity, of a reasonable man who like the Danish prince, agonises with his conscience over ‘big decisions’ has been reduced to rubble. The mask has  well and truly slipped to reveal a shallow fraudster with no scruples whose  lack of  veracity is matched only by his naked hunger for power.  To wit, he really is a fucking cock-ring.

Nick Clegg before the election:

Nick Clegg after the election:

“”This is an extraordinarily difficult issue… We have stuck to the wider ambition that going to university is done in a progressive way”

In other words

Resulting in

Which induced a not very chastened  Nick the  Prick to say-

“You need to be careful. I should have been more careful perhaps in signing that pledge at the time.”

But wait !! Apparently, the Liberal Democrats were already drawing up plans to discard Nick Clegg’s flagship policy to scrap university tuition fees two months before the general election. Pity they didn’t let on to the people who voted for his pre election pledges eh ? And they call it democracy?

[Youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYMN7l_wo5U&feature=related]

 

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Nick, you see can be anyone you want him to be…whenever it suites


F*ck Nick Clegg!Nick Clegg- Tuition Fees

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Happy Halloween

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George Osborne….he’s your worst f**king nightmare ….coming to a town hall, community centre, police station, fire station, hospital or library near you…very, very soon….

George Osborne - Public Sector Hatchet Man

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UK Cloning Row

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As the cloned cow milk row (cow (n’)gate?) in the UK rumbles on , story here , David Cameron, fresh from pursuing his own peculiar brand of foreign diplomacy, ie  piss off any country with a nuclear capability, joins Nick Clegg  to calm public health fears over  cloning…

David Cameron Nick Clegg Cow Milk Clone Shocker !

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UK Election 2010…and the winner is …

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The public say  Get Lost!
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The UK election was without doubt, one of the most fascinating and unpredictable for decades. It had the lot, tears, tantrums, the decimation of the BNP, UKIP leader Nigel Fargae, crashing his aeroplane ( a problem with the right wing apparently ).  It also featured the added drama of voters in a number of constituencies being turned away from polling stations, unable to exercise their democratic right. The UK Electoral Commission is said to be “undertaking a thorough review” of instances where voters have been unable to cast their ballots.  They have yet to confirm the rumour that Robert Mugabe has offered to dispatch neutral observers to ensure the next election is all above board!

Yes the general public have spoken and their overwhelming message was quite clearly  “erm..” leaving the three main party leaders  lost in political limbo. With no clear winner, maybe the electorate’s message to politicians was quite simply “get lost..”

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Deal Or No Deal – Nick Clegg Holds The Ace…

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Nick Clegg-Election 2010-Deal Or No Deal
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So we have a hung Parliament and all the feverish  talk of huge Liberal Democrat  gains amounted to nothing more than hot air and broken dreams.  The Tories failed (despite being bankrolled by  Cashcroft and enjoying the support of Murdoch’s huge media machine) to gain majority.  And so now Cameron ‘the man who would be king’ is reduced to attempting to broker  deals with the Lib Dems, the Unionists, a Shetland pony called Roy, hell, anybody who will assist him  in fulfilling his “birthright”…

So will the Liberal Democrat’s get into to bed with current PM  Gordon Brown and form a government? Or will Nick Clegg risk an STD and allow David Cameron to seduce him with flaccid promises of  “an all party committee on electoral reform”. A fairly shit chat up line me thinks…

But it’s Cleggs shout…Deal or No Deal ?

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Odds increase for a hung Parliament

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UK Election 2010 -Hung Parliament A Real Possibility

Many voters probably wouldn’t object to the above scenario and  apathy and mistrust towards  a system that appears to be   inherently  corrupt is understandable.  However not voting at all  is a bit like saying…“I’m going to wear sweat pants and a man nappy for the rest of my life, I have given up “..Predictions today suggest that a hung parliament is still on the cards, The Sunnewspaper” and others with vested interests  would seek to convince you that this would be an unmitigated  disaster for the country, and Murdoch has allegedly already issued the Sun’s editor the diktat that  it’s his job to “fu*king get Cameron into fu*king Number 10 ” .

There are still vital seats to be won and lost, so don’t be  manipulated  into voting for a party you don’t support purely to avoid Murdoch’s scaremongering  “nightmare scenario” propaganda and self- interested bullshit (you can register your disapproval of media manipulation  HERE ).  If people don’t actually  get out and vote, then the Tories may actually scrape a  majority, and having lived through  corrupt and uncaring Tory governments in the past, I know giving them the keys to number 10 would be a  f**king  disaster. So here’s a guide to tactical voting aimed at  keeping the Tories out on May 6th (download HERE ) .  Do the right thing, don’t vote Tory, do vote tactically.

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Tories To Act On Unemployment…????

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A Conservative government would not stand by while unemployment rises in Britain, according to David Cameron. The Tories are, he said..wait for it…the party of compassion...hahahaha….excuse me , I’m sorry..but really..

We must learn lessons from the past says Cameron who is set to announce a new unempolyment “Tszar”.

Here he is …..

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You Never Know Who’s Listening In…

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David Cameron appointed former News of the World editor Andy Coulson as his director of communication  to bring his slick, oiley and some might say underhand,  tabloid skills to run the  Tory media machine. He may now be forced to sack him , rather like  Alastair Campbell, it appears the spin doctor has become the story .

Coulson was a free agent after he had resigned as editor of the Sunday newspaper in 2007 after taking responsibility for the tapping of the phones of royal staff by a NoW journalist who, alongside a private investigator, was jailed for the offence.

The Guardian claim that thousands of similar offences were committed, with the  Rupert Murdoch’s News International paying  £1m in out-of-court settlements to victims to keep  things hush-hush and Coulson is insisting he knew bugger all about it !!  That view is likely to be challenged and Coulson could once  again have to defend himself and face awkward questions  from the police if a fresh investigation is launched. So much for the Tories being “the party you can trust” eh ?

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A Nice Little Earner… MP’s Expenses

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So when is fraud not fraud ? Why when its an MP expense claim of course!  With so many MP’s stating “it was a mistake , an oversight, I was badly advised” one wonders whether such cretins, whose numeracy seems rudimentary at best,  are really the right people to be holding the public purse strings, let alone run the country?

You can bet your bottom dollar if this was, say,  a housing benefit scam, or indeed any other abuse of public money, prosecutions would follow….we shall see….

Here are some the high profile cases, remember, this is your money folks..

Gordon Brown

Mr Brown used his expenses to pay his brother Andrew £6,577 for cleaning work at his Westminster flat between 2004 and 2006. The brothers shared the cleaner at their two flats. Under the arrangement, Andrew Brown paid the cleaner and the Prime Minister reimbursed his share of the cost.

Jack Straw

The Justice Secretary claimed for the full cost of council tax, even though he received a 50% discount from his local authority. He repaid the money last summer, shortly after a High Court ruling requiring the receipts to be published. In a note to the fees office he wrote: “Accountancy does not appear to be my strongest suit.”

David Miliband

The Foreign Secretary claimed almost £30,000 for doing up his £120,000 constituency home over five years, it was reported. He spent up to £180 every three months on the garden at the property in South Shields. At the bottom of one receipt for £132.96 in April 2008, his gardener wrote a note questioning whether some of the work was necessary.

Hazel Blears

The Communities Secretary claimed for three different properties in a single year, spending almost £5,000 of taxpayers’ money on furniture in three months.

Margaret Beckett

The Housing Minister found herself in trouble with the Fees Office after attempting to claim £600 for hanging baskets and pot plants.

Andy Burnham

The Culture Secretary wrote a note to the fees office in which he pleaded for his expenses to be paid urgently and even wrote he “might be in line for a divorce” if the money did not materialise within days.

John Prescott

The taxpayer paid for the former deputy prime minister to fit the front of his home in Hull with mock Tudor boards and for his toilet seat to be repaired twice in two years. ( I have a horrible mental picture at this point)

John Reid

The former Home Secretary’s claims included a £199 pouffe, a £370 armchair, an £899 sofa and a £29.99 a “black glitter toilet seat”. ( Nice, so much for the “hard man” image eh?)

David Cameron

The Tory leader claimed a total of £82,450 on his second home allowance over five years which included a £680 bill for repairs to the property relating to the  clearing wisteria and vines from a chimney and replacing outside lights . (Good God, even his expense claims are bland and dull ! )

Oliver Letwin

Mr Letwin, who is in charge of drawing up the Conservative general election manifesto, claimed more than £2,000 to replace a leaking pipe under his tennis court. He said he had been ordered to mend the pipe by the local water company and did not make any improvements to the court or his garden. The taxpayer also picked up the tab for regular services to his Aga cooker.

Greg Barker

Mr Barker – the first prominent Tory to be caught up in the expenses row – reportedly made a £320,000 profit on a flat he bought at the taxpayers’ expense.

David Willetts

The shadow innovation, universities and skills secretary claimed £115 plus VAT to replace 25 light bulbs at his second home in west London. On the same claim – part of a £2,191 invoice for odd jobs that included cleaning a shower head – Mr Willetts charged another £80 to “change light bulbs in bathroom”. But parliamentary authorities pared the bill back by more than £1,000, refusing to refund £175 for a dog enclosure and £750 for a shed base. According to the Daily Telegraph, the fees office frequently cut his claims because of errors or overclaims.

Nick Herbert

The shadow environment secretary claimed back £10,000 of the £14,700 stamp duty when he bought a home with his partner in his constituency. He also charged for fees and a survey of the property in Arundel, West Sussex and claimed for the entire monthly mortgage interest even though his partner’s name was on the deeds

lan Duncan

The shadow leader of the Commons claimed thousands of pounds for his garden before agreeing with the fees office that the spending “could be considered excessive”. Millionaire Mr Duncan recouped £4,000 over three years. However, a £3,194 bill for gardening in March 2007 was not paid after officials responded suggesting that the claim might not be “within the spirit” of the rules, according to the Daily Telegraph. In a letter to the MP for Rutland and Melton, the fees office said that it expected gardening costs “to cover only basic essentials such as grass cutting”.

Nick Clegg

The current Lib Dem leader reported had his second home allowance docked last year after exceeding the £23,083 maximum by more than £100. Other claims made included £1,657.32 for food, and phone bills which included calls to Colombia and Vietnam.

Chris Huhne

The Lib Dem’s home affairs spokesman regularly submits claims for food and groceries including pints of milk, fluffy dusters and chocolate biscuits. Millionaire Mr Huhne, who is MP for Eastleigh in Hampshire, also expensed a £119 trouser press which was delivered to his main London home.

So how did this system of corruption ever become just a perk of the job ? Well as with many of societies ills it’s all Thatchers fault. According to Michael Brown, former Tory MP, Margaret Thatcher is to blame as she blocked a salary increase and introduced allowances instead, thus deceiving the electorate. “Cheeky Boy” Lembit Opik also backed up this claim saying that the whole system is wrong but that it was Thatcher’s fault because she introduced the current system and, he claimed,  encouraged MP’s to use expense claims as a means of supplementing their income.

Time for Madame Guillotine to make an appearance me thinks 😉

“Margaret On the Guillotine” By Morrissey

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Blair Dumps More Trouble On Beleaguered Brown

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Another day, another sh*t storm for PM Gordon Brown.  Just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse, Tony Blair dumps on him from a great height (story here) with news of a “leaked” memo.

Blair: "Dumping Or Leaking ?"

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What the heck it has to do with Alan Sugar is beyond me? I mean what next? Ant n’Dec on the economy? Joey Barton on prison reform and how not to be a tw*t ?

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Reject The Tory “Status Quo” Urges Milliband

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( Story here )

Parliament goes “X-Factor” as Labour urges voters to reject the Tory Status Quo..

But who will the public vote for ….The David Milli-band perhaps ?

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Universal Economic Meltdown?

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So the universal economic credit crunch continues to bite, but who is to blame, is it really all Gordon Brown’s fault, is he really responsible for the wolves being at the door ? And who can save us ?
The economy is certainly in need of a Doctor…..but who ?

Looks like we’re f**ked !

(ps/ And perhaps more importantly.. why has Billie Piper suddenly developed a lisp “Quick Doctha we need to escapth in the tardith ! ” Thankfully “Christotha Ecclethtan” left a few years back eh? 😉