George Osborne….he’s your worst f**king nightmare ….coming to a town hall, community centre, police station, fire station, hospital or library near you…very, very soon….
George Osborne….he’s your worst f**king nightmare ….coming to a town hall, community centre, police station, fire station, hospital or library near you…very, very soon….
Meanwhile, their children will presumably be left at home to fend for themselves with schools being run down and even closed. Iain Duncan Smith offers us a 19th-century vision of sturdy beggars and the undeserving poor, while the bankers and their chums continue to rake in millions and dodge taxes. The only polite reaction to all this is to say ‘shame on you’ (you shower of cunts? )
Model Naomi Campbell has testified that she was given some “dirty-looking stones” after a 1997 dinner attended by ex-Liberian President Charles Taylor….and here’s the proof … (story here)
As the cloned cow milk row (cow (n’)gate?) in the UK rumbles on , story here , David Cameron, fresh from pursuing his own peculiar brand of foreign diplomacy, ie piss off any country with a nuclear capability, joins Nick Clegg to calm public health fears over cloning…
The UK election was without doubt, one of the most fascinating and unpredictable for decades. It had the lot, tears, tantrums, the decimation of the BNP, UKIP leader Nigel Fargae, crashing his aeroplane ( a problem with the right wing apparently ). It also featured the added drama of voters in a number of constituencies being turned away from polling stations, unable to exercise their democratic right. The UK Electoral Commission is said to be “undertaking a thorough review” of instances where voters have been unable to cast their ballots. They have yet to confirm the rumour that Robert Mugabe has offered to dispatch neutral observers to ensure the next election is all above board!
Yes the general public have spoken and their overwhelming message was quite clearly “erm..” leaving the three main party leaders lost in political limbo. With no clear winner, maybe the electorate’s message to politicians was quite simply “get lost..”
So we have a hung Parliament and all the feverish talk of huge Liberal Democrat gains amounted to nothing more than hot air and broken dreams. The Tories failed (despite being bankrolled by Cashcroft and enjoying the support of Murdoch’s huge media machine) to gain majority. And so now Cameron ‘the man who would be king’ is reduced to attempting to broker deals with the Lib Dems, the Unionists, a Shetland pony called Roy, hell, anybody who will assist him in fulfilling his “birthright”…
So will the Liberal Democrat’s get into to bed with current PM Gordon Brown and form a government? Or will Nick Clegg risk an STD and allow David Cameron to seduce him with flaccid promises of “an all party committee on electoral reform”. A fairly shit chat up line me thinks…
But it’s Cleggs shout…Deal or No Deal ?
Simon Indelicate ( Of The Indelicates) tells us why he loves election night and why a Tory government would be no fun…..
Last Ditch Effort
“I have a serious character flaw: I don’t want to be ordinary. I don’t ever want to be a member of an audience. I am only happy backstage, peering out through curtains at amorphous crowds. I want to conduct them – to raise and quiet applause with a gesture – not stand among them. I want to commentate, not participate. I long for an occult understanding of the manipulable mechanisms that operate complex things. I want to be a witchdoctor, predicting the returns of summers and taking credit when I am proved correct.
As such, I’ve always loved elections. Like nothing else, they are a gift to people like me – arcane historical motions steeped in complex mathematics and eccentric insider traditions. When I learn that a party can come third in percentage terms and still be awarded enough seats to form the largest parliamentary grouping I get a little, embarassing thrill that I understand why and someone else doesn’t. When I hear that the Prime Minister has reacted pretty much as I would to hearing an old woman blather ludicrously on about eastern europeans, I don’t for a moment think that immigration is the issue at the story’s core: I think on a meta-level – I think about what it will mean, who it will sway, how it will play with undecideds, whether the public will warm to the glimpse of humanity or be disgusted with the Big-Brother-win-forfeiting crime of two-facedness…
This is all because I am, by birth and nature among the political classes. My parents never paid for my education, but I went to a state grammar school almost entirely populated by former prep school boys who had, by sheer and remarkable coincidence, been identified as the cleverest local kids in a fair and wholly accurate verbal reasoning test. I’ve got a politics A-Level, I attend counts and stay up all night for european election results. When I was 17 I won a national prize for debating, a title awarded to those who are the best at arguing a case with passion, commitment and eloquence that they have been handed a quarter of an hour before doing so. I’ve always known that politics was such a performance. We stripped belief for parts and reassembled it to convince people that we shared it. The Death Penalty, Abortion, Euthanasia, Privatisation, Poverty, Climate Change – they are just capitalised topics, fonts of rhetoric to be picked at for advantage, stages to play on. That’s what being of the political classes means – that people’s lives are chess pieces to help us to get our names onto little shields and precious websites.
I recognise my brethren everywhere in the media and politics. We are drawn to the swingometers and home-guard-ish returning officers and we babble excitedly about the process of it all. To us, ‘discussion of policy’, ‘smears’, ‘passion’ and ‘spin’ are all in the same category. They are tactics – like blows during a turn based RPG battle: Brown performs a medium strength appeal to class solidarity on Cameron’s upper body, yielding +2 EXP, -4 INT and a heartland bonus of +3 CHR…
It’s a game and we’ve read the rulebook and we don’t believe that anybody else has and that makes us special. More special than you, undecided voter so easily swayed by Saatchi posters and gaffes; more special than you, mumsnet whom we so nearly decided to name the election after; more special than you, old woman, worrying about your little care home; more special than you, ordinary man, charmingly expressing your little opinion outside Dixons. We’re the guys behind the curtain – quake before the great and terrible Oz.
And I love it. Deep down, I do. I love it all. Except, this time, there’s this thing that’s happening and it really feels like we might elect a conservative government and it isn’t fun – it’s horrible.
For so long it has been an item of received wisdom that the main parties are all the same. If you have only been paying attention for the last thirteen years, you might well feel that this is true – The Labour years have been awash with disappointments, attacks on civil liberties, terribly planned wars and stupid laws. But they have been punctuated with the minimum wage, huge improvements to the NHS, the lifting of huge numbers of children out of poverty, real peace in Northern Ireland, real Gay rights, even free fruit for infant schools… There is a gap between the records of these parties – a narrow gap maybe, but any gap with a million children in is a gap worth recognising the existence of.
To us who spend the days before elections writing self-serving blogposts and trying to make things trend on twitter – it is incredibly appealing to see the contest as between three rivals from our ranks. We like the narrative that identifies ‘change’ as a desire and animating force among the munchkins. We assume that David Cameron will be the beneficiary and we think it’s delightful that the Liberal Democrats might have convinced enough people to cause a plot wobble in the story arc.
We like to dissect whether or not this ‘Big Society’ thing is connecting with people. But what does it mean, really? When Tories promise to “Promote the delivery of public services by social enterprises, charities and voluntary groups, encouraging them to get involved in running things like “Sure Start”, does that mean that they will rely on the generosity of rich people to counter the aggressive cutting of services that make people’s lives more bearable? Does it mean that in poor areas where people aren’t willing to help, people will suffer? Johann Hari makes a persuasive case that it does.
When they promise to “Recognise marriage and civil partnerships in the tax system, bringing us into line with other major European countries and making 4 million couples up to £150 per year better off” does that mean that they plan to institutionalise a world-view that looks down on blameless single mothers, widows and unconventional couples while doing as close to fuck all as possible to actually benefit anybody on the basis of a basic misreading of the statistic that married people are less likely to split up (as close to a perfect correlation/causation fallacy as it is possible to imagine)? Well, yes, yes it does.
When they promise to cut spending immediately and usher in an ‘age of austerity’ (a phrase quietly dropped in response to bad polling) does that mean a double dip recession as poor, tired, silly old Gordon Brown warns? Well, yes, it probably does. It’s happened in some countries and has been halted in countries where the opposite policy has been pursued. Does it mean that the unemployment and house reposessions I remember from the early 90s will happen again? Again, yes, probably – Jonathan Freedland makes a convincing case here.
When David Cameron says that we can’t have a hung parliament because that will mean decisions being made in smoky backrooms by politicians – does that mean that, in the event of a hung parliament he himself intends to try and make decisions in smoky backrooms so as to overturn constitutional convention and ride press momentum into power? Again, reports say yes.
When he says he’s making ‘a contract with you’, does that mean that he’s going to honour it precisely until the moment when, driven by inevitable crisis or political necessity, he is forced to compromise with the base of his party in order to shore up his position? Does that mean he’ll be compromising with Tebbit? With Philippa Stroud? With the Chris Graylings who had the sense to keep quiet? With his Extremist partners in the european parliament? With, not to put too fine a point on it, FUCKING TORIES. Yes. Yes it does.
I have been criticised for not making a positive case for any party, just attacking negatively and I admit it. It’s not easy. I think there are reasons to support Labour, reasons to support the Libdems and plenty of reasons not to. But at this stage, I barely care – I don’t fear either party because they are on the other side of a real gap with real people in it who will really suffer. I do fear the Tories. They terrify me.
I’d like nothing more tomorrow than to stay up all night gleefully waiting for Portillo moments and unopenable magnums and good old Paxman having a nice old go at someone and swingometers and exit polls and Andrew Neill and funny old Nick Robinson and what will Galloway say and will Caroline Lucas win and who’ll try to put a positive spin on the exit polls and look its animated MPs in a CG parliament and aren’t we all clever with our analysis and predictions and isn’t Britain just marvellous…
But this is because I suck. I love the process and I don’t want to think about what it means. But fuck me and all my chums. We’re elitist, entitled nerds and we are obscuring the things that matter. It’s not fun anymore, it matters, and if you are scared of the country this will become if Cameron becomes Prime Minister on Friday then please do not let us distract you – just use your vote any way that you can to stop it happening. It isn’t too late.
So you know what to do….
Last word to sum up how many of us feel from Gary Younge
“I don’t have a phobia about Tories. That would suggest an irrational response. I hate them for a reason. For lots of reasons, actually. For the miners, apartheid, Bobby Sands, Greenham Common, selling council houses, Section 28, lining the pockets of the rich and hammering the poor – to name but a few. I hate them because they hate people I care about. As a young man Cameron looked out on the social carnage of pit closures and mass unemployment, looked at Margaret Thatcher’s government and thought, these are my people. When all the debating is done, that is really all I need to know.” ( Full article here )
Not as offensive as The Suns front page
Many voters probably wouldn’t object to the above scenario and apathy and mistrust towards a system that appears to be inherently corrupt is understandable. However not voting at all is a bit like saying…“I’m going to wear sweat pants and a man nappy for the rest of my life, I have given up “..Predictions today suggest that a hung parliament is still on the cards, The Sun “newspaper” and others with vested interests would seek to convince you that this would be an unmitigated disaster for the country, and Murdoch has allegedly already issued the Sun’s editor the diktat that it’s his job to “fu*king get Cameron into fu*king Number 10 ” .
There are still vital seats to be won and lost, so don’t be manipulated into voting for a party you don’t support purely to avoid Murdoch’s scaremongering “nightmare scenario” propaganda and self- interested bullshit (you can register your disapproval of media manipulation HERE ). If people don’t actually get out and vote, then the Tories may actually scrape a majority, and having lived through corrupt and uncaring Tory governments in the past, I know giving them the keys to number 10 would be a f**king disaster. So here’s a guide to tactical voting aimed at keeping the Tories out on May 6th (download HERE ) . Do the right thing, don’t vote Tory, do vote tactically.
Gordon Brown today stands accused of NOT being a racist. By refusing to endorse the views of a mad, deluded old lady sporting the sort of hairstyle popularised by middle England style guru Jeremy Clarkeson, Brown has been forced into a humiliating apology for his lack of “Little Englander” credentials. George Osborne, barely able to conceal his glee, crowed “The thing about general elections is that they reveal the truth about people”. ( By that logic his transformation into slug should be complete any-day now.)
Things kicked off in Rochdale, when after an exchange that seemed as dull as it was innocuous, the Prime Minister privately described “typical” former Labour voter Gillian Duffy, as a bigot. Alas for hapless Gordo, the all hearing ears of Rupert Murdoch’s Sky News picked up this remark via a mic that was still switched on. But was hecorrect? Was he merely making a private comment that many may agree with? Because invariably a conversation that starts with “ and all those immigrants from Eastern Europe”..is the sort of comment that can be put in the same category as ” look, I’m a card carrying member of the Whitney Fan Club, got nothing against ’em . . . BUT…..”
You obviously don’t need a road map to see where this ends. However Gillian Duffy, it transpires, does…..( a sat nav voice over is but a Max Clifford phone-call away.)
Sadly to make political capital out of such tommy-rot only plays into the hands of The Tories and the BNP.
Everybody’s laughing at Davey’s absurd election poster in which he looks incredibly fresh faced !!!! Pop along here to see some brilliant examples of the election poster that has spectacularly backfired !
“Simon and Cheryl-Secret Recording” 😉
If the suggestion that Simon Cowell wants to enter politics with an X-Factor style political show doesn’t fill your heart with dread then you probably deserve him.
“Ant, Dec? What do the public think ? Should we pull the troops out. Let’s get the public to decide!.
[ Cue gratuitous close-up of grieving Army mum looking tearfully at a photo of her son and set to a heart rending Leona Lewis song. Cut to close up of a concerned looking Simon] …..
Simon: “Afghanistan ? EVEN I don’t understand what’s going on there the public deserves the truth which can only be discovered by a premium line phone vote” (Story here .)
But before you rush off and vote for Simon or imagine Clarkeson as Minister For Transport , “Dr” Gillian McKeith as Health Minister , Ant & Dec as Cultural Ambassadors or Vernon Kaye as Minister For Vacuous Twattery, before you embrace that particular cultural and political Armageddon , lets examine how Cowell manipulates the (willing )public on say, mind rotting shite like The X-Factor, let’s do the maths.
“Do You Want The Truth Or Something Beautiful?”
Oblong Headed Oligarch of Pop : “Every single person who fills in an application form does so because they want to prove to the judges that they have what it takes, that “X” that “It” that “Pow!” which will propel them from the humdrum inadequacy of their current existence towards that mythical nirvana called the “celebrity life-style”. They all think they have a chance. That once they get in front of those three famous judges they have a genuine chance, no matter how small, of all their dreams coming true.
But they’re not going to get in front of us are they? At least not about ninety four thousand of them. The chances of them getting to perform for the judges are tiny!”
So it’s all a lie??
Oblong Headed Oligarch of Pop: “Of course it isn’t a lie!!! It’s show business. It’s entertainment. We don’t deceive anybody. The information is already there for people if they want to see it, they only have to do the maths. Ninety Five thousand contestants, three judges. How could we possibly consider even a fraction of that number? Say we did ten an hour, that’s nine thousand five hundred hours. Assuming we worked a ten hour day that would be nine hundred and fifty days!! That’s nearly three years we would have to be sitting there behind a trestle table saying “I think you need to find another dream” to an endless stream of idiots and that’s if we worked flat out without a break !
People can work it out if they want to. The only have to do the maths. But they don’t want to do the Maths. Why should they? Any more than they would watch a film that reminded them that it was only actors reciting a script.”*
*Ben Elton “Chart Throb”
“Homophobia” By Chumbawamba
According to Daily Mail journalist Jan Moir, former Boyzone singer Stephen Gately died of “being gay.” The article can be read in it’s full vileness here
We have written to the press complaints comission to register our anger at such a disgusting, inhuman and hateful article. We urge others to do the same. Moir will doubtless call this sort of thing a ‘carefully orchestrated campaign’ .Ermmm by who we are not exactly sure, probably those “gays” ? Maybe Stephen Fry is pulling everybody’s strings from his “lair” , that secret hideaway, deep within a dormant volcano before he fires up his “Gay-Ray Gun” and turn us all into the sort of folk Moir disapporoves of ? For the record we’re not gay, we f**king loathed Boyside and Westzone’s music, but we do like to think we are not totally devoid of humanity….anyway…here’s the letter to the PCC from “Team Pip “...
“I wish to complain about the breach of clause one of the code. It is factually inaccurate to say that young , healthy men do not go to bed and not wake up again.Apparently healthy people die every day due to Sudden Adult Death Syndrome. Moir dismisses the family’s assertion that their son’s death was due to a heart condition despite the fact that the cause of death, pulmonary oedema, happens as a result of heart failure.Also,is she asserting a link between cannabis use and heart failure?
I feel she is also in breach of clause twelve of the code in that she is using her factually inaccurate assertions to reinforce predjudices against a particular group of people on the basis of their sexual orientation.The whole tone of the article, from the headline onwards, is designed to portray the idea that Mr. Gately’s death was in some way sinister and that this is inextricably linked with the fact that he was homosexual.Had this tragedy happened to a heterosexual ‘celebrity’ , I don’t believe that it would have attracted the same type of comment and so on that basis I would argue that the article is discriminatory .”
A Conservative government would not stand by while unemployment rises in Britain, according to David Cameron. The Tories are, he said..wait for it…the party of compassion...hahahaha….excuse me , I’m sorry..but really..
We must learn lessons from the past says Cameron who is set to announce a new unempolyment “Tszar”.
Here he is …..
Media oligarch James Murdoch, Damien to Rupert’s Lucifer, has given a key note speech at the Edinburgh Television Festival about the future of “media”. He seems to suggest that the license fee isn’t value for money because the BBC actually give away too much free content ???
Yes, predictably he attacks Daddy’s “nemesi” hurling cliched brickbats at familiar targets such as the BBC, Virgin Media, your Aunt Joyce and anybody who might not wish to embrace the Sky TV “lifestyle choice philosophy” of a KFC bucket of deep fried chickens feet, “Nuts” and “Zoo” laddishness, lots of piss weak overpriced lager and Tim Lovejoy-lite presenters (if Tim Lovejoy-lite is achievable Sky will excel baby! ). Oh and “The expansion of state-sponsored journalism is a threat to the plurality and independence of news provision.” Bless, Daddy must be so proud whilst perfecting that comb-over to hide the three sixes on his noggin and unlike Virgin Media and BT who objected to Government proposals to punish illegal downloaders by switching off their Internet connection, Jim-bob wholeheartidly supports such draconian action .. In fact he thinks they should be executed, live on a new Sky TV reality show “Britains Stupidest Downloaders Who Pay a TV License Fee Whilst Don’t Subscribe To Sky”
But some of us don’t actually see “Sky TV” as a force for good….
Alan Duncan, the Tory frontbencher who has redinfined the pharse “arrogant f*ck-wit” and has an unfortunate habit of producing verrbal diarrohea on an alarmingly regular basis, has said that MPs are being treated like “shits” and forced to live on “rations” following the expenses scandal. (see story here)
Let’s recap what millionaire oil trader Alan considered legitmate expenses before public fury put a temporary halt to the gravy train. He claimed £4,000 in gardening costs which included £598 to overhaul a ride-on lawn-mower and then a further £41 to fix a puncture. He also had an earlier claim in of £3,194 for gardening expenses rejected by the fees office, which wrote to Mr Duncan suggesting that the claim might not be “within the spirit of the rules .” Pfft ,what’s a boy to do ?
So the next time you’re sweating over paying a credit card bill, redundancy or where to make cuts in the household budget, spare a thought, or maybe even a bob or two for your MP, don’t treat them with contempt, don’t label them unctuous, grasping, selfish, greedy out of touch shits …… times are hard in Westminister these days-have a heart.
David Cameron appointed former News of the World editor Andy Coulson as his director of communication to bring his slick, oiley and some might say underhand, tabloid skills to run the Tory media machine. He may now be forced to sack him , rather like Alastair Campbell, it appears the spin doctor has become the story .
Coulson was a free agent after he had resigned as editor of the Sunday newspaper in 2007 after taking responsibility for the tapping of the phones of royal staff by a NoW journalist who, alongside a private investigator, was jailed for the offence.
The Guardian claim that thousands of similar offences were committed, with the Rupert Murdoch’s News International paying £1m in out-of-court settlements to victims to keep things hush-hush and Coulson is insisting he knew bugger all about it !! That view is likely to be challenged and Coulson could once again have to defend himself and face awkward questions from the police if a fresh investigation is launched. So much for the Tories being “the party you can trust” eh ?
Peter Mandelson revealed in an email, some nine months before his return to cabinet that he thought Prime Minister Gordon Brown was “not comfortable in his own skin.” Story here
Mandelson on the other hand has no such problem….
Not been the best of weeks for the Prime Minister has it ?
Amongst the comings and goings in a week fraught with resignations, Machiavellian plotting and general media hysteria there was the curious case of Caroline Flint. She resigned claiming that she was no longer willing to be treated as “female window dressing”. Story here . We will certainly not be making any sexist jokes about being happy to offer Mrs Flint a position on our cabinet. No. She may have a valid point, but sadly she will stand accused by many, of playing the “sexist card”. Her statement the day prior to her resignation would have many questioning her real motivation.
“I am staying in the government.”I have spent my entire ministerial career for six years now serving Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, and I am very proud to be in a Labour government and very proud to be part of Gordon Brown’s government.
Her position suddenly changed the following day when it transpired she wasnt to be offered the job she thought her “loyalty” deserved, as she sobbed “Several of the women attending cabinet – myself included – have been treated by you as little more than female window dressing.”I am not willing to attend cabinet in a peripheral capacity any longer.”
Brown of course denied he had ever regarded Mrs Flint as “window dressing”, as our exclusive picture clearly demonstrates.
And to top it all………….…. ( Story here)
But despite all of the above, it doesn’t stop Cameron being a useless T*at either, does it ?
So when is fraud not fraud ? Why when its an MP expense claim of course! With so many MP’s stating “it was a mistake , an oversight, I was badly advised” one wonders whether such cretins, whose numeracy seems rudimentary at best, are really the right people to be holding the public purse strings, let alone run the country?
You can bet your bottom dollar if this was, say, a housing benefit scam, or indeed any other abuse of public money, prosecutions would follow….we shall see….
Here are some the high profile cases, remember, this is your money folks..
Mr Brown used his expenses to pay his brother Andrew £6,577 for cleaning work at his Westminster flat between 2004 and 2006. The brothers shared the cleaner at their two flats. Under the arrangement, Andrew Brown paid the cleaner and the Prime Minister reimbursed his share of the cost.
The Justice Secretary claimed for the full cost of council tax, even though he received a 50% discount from his local authority. He repaid the money last summer, shortly after a High Court ruling requiring the receipts to be published. In a note to the fees office he wrote: “Accountancy does not appear to be my strongest suit.”
The Foreign Secretary claimed almost £30,000 for doing up his £120,000 constituency home over five years, it was reported. He spent up to £180 every three months on the garden at the property in South Shields. At the bottom of one receipt for £132.96 in April 2008, his gardener wrote a note questioning whether some of the work was necessary.
The Communities Secretary claimed for three different properties in a single year, spending almost £5,000 of taxpayers’ money on furniture in three months.
The Housing Minister found herself in trouble with the Fees Office after attempting to claim £600 for hanging baskets and pot plants.
The Culture Secretary wrote a note to the fees office in which he pleaded for his expenses to be paid urgently and even wrote he “might be in line for a divorce” if the money did not materialise within days.
The taxpayer paid for the former deputy prime minister to fit the front of his home in Hull with mock Tudor boards and for his toilet seat to be repaired twice in two years. ( I have a horrible mental picture at this point)
The former Home Secretary’s claims included a £199 pouffe, a £370 armchair, an £899 sofa and a £29.99 a “black glitter toilet seat”. ( Nice, so much for the “hard man” image eh?)
The Tory leader claimed a total of £82,450 on his second home allowance over five years which included a £680 bill for repairs to the property relating to the clearing wisteria and vines from a chimney and replacing outside lights . (Good God, even his expense claims are bland and dull ! )
Mr Letwin, who is in charge of drawing up the Conservative general election manifesto, claimed more than £2,000 to replace a leaking pipe under his tennis court. He said he had been ordered to mend the pipe by the local water company and did not make any improvements to the court or his garden. The taxpayer also picked up the tab for regular services to his Aga cooker.
Mr Barker – the first prominent Tory to be caught up in the expenses row – reportedly made a £320,000 profit on a flat he bought at the taxpayers’ expense.
The shadow innovation, universities and skills secretary claimed £115 plus VAT to replace 25 light bulbs at his second home in west London. On the same claim – part of a £2,191 invoice for odd jobs that included cleaning a shower head – Mr Willetts charged another £80 to “change light bulbs in bathroom”. But parliamentary authorities pared the bill back by more than £1,000, refusing to refund £175 for a dog enclosure and £750 for a shed base. According to the Daily Telegraph, the fees office frequently cut his claims because of errors or overclaims.
The shadow environment secretary claimed back £10,000 of the £14,700 stamp duty when he bought a home with his partner in his constituency. He also charged for fees and a survey of the property in Arundel, West Sussex and claimed for the entire monthly mortgage interest even though his partner’s name was on the deeds
The shadow leader of the Commons claimed thousands of pounds for his garden before agreeing with the fees office that the spending “could be considered excessive”. Millionaire Mr Duncan recouped £4,000 over three years. However, a £3,194 bill for gardening in March 2007 was not paid after officials responded suggesting that the claim might not be “within the spirit” of the rules, according to the Daily Telegraph. In a letter to the MP for Rutland and Melton, the fees office said that it expected gardening costs “to cover only basic essentials such as grass cutting”.
The current Lib Dem leader reported had his second home allowance docked last year after exceeding the £23,083 maximum by more than £100. Other claims made included £1,657.32 for food, and phone bills which included calls to Colombia and Vietnam.
The Lib Dem’s home affairs spokesman regularly submits claims for food and groceries including pints of milk, fluffy dusters and chocolate biscuits. Millionaire Mr Huhne, who is MP for Eastleigh in Hampshire, also expensed a £119 trouser press which was delivered to his main London home.
So how did this system of corruption ever become just a perk of the job ? Well as with many of societies ills it’s all Thatchers fault. According to Michael Brown, former Tory MP, Margaret Thatcher is to blame as she blocked a salary increase and introduced allowances instead, thus deceiving the electorate. “Cheeky Boy” Lembit Opik also backed up this claim saying that the whole system is wrong but that it was Thatcher’s fault because she introduced the current system and, he claimed, encouraged MP’s to use expense claims as a means of supplementing their income.
Time for Madame Guillotine to make an appearance me thinks 😉
“Margaret On the Guillotine” By Morrissey
“Today a colleague suggested I might like to shave my hair off, bark like a dog for the day or dress up as character from Pirates of the Caribbean, all in the name of Comic Relief … I suggested he might like to F**k off. If the incident proved anything, it proved he didn’t know me very well at all…. (He also brought in an enormous tray of Red Nose cakes, and failed to see the irony-help those without food by celebrating with a huge cake!)
Comic Relief? Isn’t that the annual event which broadcasts the ridiculous spectacle of Lenny Henry attempting to revive his ‘brand’ and sees the BBC cast as a desperate paramedic giving the kiss of life to the freshly exhumed corpse that is Henry’s career? Let us face it, the man’s about as funny as a case of gonorrhoea, but without the social relevance. But Comic Relief? Ah yes, that backslapping national w*nk fest when we feel at one with our celeb pals. Anyone else find it nauseating, patronising and totally misguided? The so-called 3rd world doesn’t actually want our charity or our pity – they have pride, they require independence and a level playing field – alas charity ensures that playing field remains forever tilted, and let’s not forget the one thing charity does exceptionally well is to make us feel good about ourselves!
Sadly well meaning donations are not the answer, it merely assuages those minor twinges of conscience we sometimes experience about the “poor people.” Yet there is enough money in the world to genuinely make a difference, to give the “3rd World” a real chance to develop, alas the capitalist system dictates that they must instead be treated as inferior beings. They must be dehumanised and turned into Gary Barlow sound tracked montages. Do we really need U2’s Bongo or Barlow or Moyles to prick our national conscience ( prick being the operative word. ) every year just to keep the status quo ?
Hey Kids ! Let’s give Africa some crumbs of comfort from our table of plenty when we have finished gorging ourselves to bursting point. The problem is charity is a stopgap, never a solution and of course, it lets governments off the hook. It allows our governments to carry on funding “Wars on Terror” (my mate Trevor’s dyslexic and sh*t himself when he first read that phrase!) and bail out the corrupt bankers, and multi nationals
Political pressure on governments could achieve a real sea change in how we live our lives, if we were prepared to make even some small sacrifices. Sadly, we consider sitting in tubs of custard to be the only real sacrifice we need make. But hey! It shows we really are wacky, fun loving people, why I bet those African folk can hardly contain their mirth!
The long-term solution is political, but of course that’s not very entertaining is it, that’s boring, dull, worthy, and dry innit? And of course, the petit bourgeois love their charitable fun and if Davina says it’s cool to have fun and raise money then it must be OK mustn’t it? And Davina’s a gal’s best mate isn’t she? I bet it would be great to go the pub with her ‘cos she’s like, so down to earth and sh*t
Bongo, Gary Barlow, David Beckham and all the backslapping sanctimonious chums, all the hypocrite millionaire rock stars and Z list celebs, with your jets and your mansions and your lectures about how we should donate money spare me your wisdom and piety… …Mind you I’ll give money willingly to keep Chris Moyles and Gary Barlow atop Kilimanjaro permanently, Brokeback Mountain for the terminally dull and talentless perhaps? ….
You do wonder about peoples self worth when they have to live their lives vicariously through modern day philosophers like Cheryl and Jade and Myleene and Chris and Gary and their ilk. The most profound thing I’ve ever heard Fern Cotton say is “Wicked innit” and frankly it changed my life. Could she be any blander? Well yes, the afore mentioned Davina would suggest so.
Of course, comic relief also helps celebs feel good about themselves too, raises their profile and in their disconnected little heads they can actually justify receiving a weekly wage, which would keep a small African republic’s economy afloat. As Chumbawamba once sang with reference to, Live Aid “Pictures of Starving Children Sell Records” and they win Oscars too. In “Slum Dog Millionaire“ only the good looking kids were cast, you know, the ones who have large liquid poetic eyes, like deep wells of misery and they are of course eminently photogenic . “For god sakes keep the ugly sick kids away from the cameras ….Jeez the ones with no teeth, conjunctivitis and rotting limbs might put the cinema going public off their pop corn, and we don’t want to deal with reality really do we, this aint a f**king liberal commie pinko documentary Danny, this is entertainment for god sakes” !
People will defend comic relief saying it’s better to do something than nothing. I’m not advocating doing nothing, I’m talking about taking radical action, doing something more than wearing a bright red nose like a badge of honour one day a year to denote your compassion and then behaving like a c*nt for the rest of the year. Let’s pay more tax, let’s boycott celebs that are paid stupid money, let’s donate our season ticket money to pressure groups. Will you do that? Or will you merely wear a red nose and donate a fiver once a year.
However, we are all manipulated by the media and led by celebs and we lap it up, all of us! Take the case of poor Jade Goody, is she really now an embodiment of the nations grief? Did Gordon Brown really have to say, “Jane Goody’s plight is of concern to the nation” to be honest it took me a while trying to work out who this “Jane” lass was. However, the Jade Goody coverage makes me want to vomit my own kidneys up. Cancer negates racism eh? So she’s now cast as Mother Theresa, and displaced “poor little Maddie” in the nation’s hearts. Sad as it is that someone so young is dying, the voyeuristic hour by hour updates are truly ghoulish, sick and deeply disturbing, but African kids sell records and pictures of Jade sell newspapers and Joe Public LOVE it ! They want to actually see her die…they demand that final tragic picture….
It seems that today fame is the only justification for anybody’s existence, and our obsession with the lives of people who we don’t even know, seems to be the only way the masses feel connected. We’ll spend hours searching the net and magazines for Jade related stories, cos we care, yet next-door our 80-year-old neighbour has been dead for a week…………… nobodies noticed.
It’s a twisted world….
The short version
Responding to criticism of the Buy America clause in the $900 billion stimulus package, the President said he was eager to avoid being protectionist. After a flurry of European criticism concerning a ‘Buy America’ clause contained in the almost $900 billion stimulus plan, US president Barack Obama said that he is keen to avoid a trade conflict.
“I think it would be a mistake though, at a time when worldwide trade is declining, for us to start sending a message that somehow we’re just looking after ourselves and not concerned with world trade,”
The “War On Terror was wrong” said David Milliband today. (story here) Still it’s of little comfort to Brian, Larry and Henry (below,) all accused of crimes of terror, which turned their world upside down!
“I was literally shitting me self” said Larry Talbot, a rather hirsute labourer from Croydon, London. Meanwhile Professor Henry Jarrod’s popular Wax Museum had to close through a concerted “whispering campaign“. And spare a thought for Brian Stoker, a Dentist from Middlesborough, who spent six months in Guantanamo Bay. “I’m suing” said a furious Mr Stoker, yesterday.
The Royal family found themselves caught up in a new race row today after it emerged the Prince of Wales has been calling an Asian friend by the nickname “Sooty”.
This is not the first time the royals have been embroiled in accusations of racism. Prince Harry was pictured dressed in a Nazi uniform at a fancy dress party. The Queen has referred to people of African descent as “fuzzy wuzzys and Prince Phillip it is alleged, thinks “Combat 18” “a bit of a wheeze”
Graham Smith, campaign manager for the organisation “Republic”, said: “I think it goes to show the royal family are not a symbol of unity, it’s not something we can rally around, they’re quite divisive.
“People are saying they are not racist but on the evidence in the public domain I think that’s to the contrary.
“It also shows how hugely out of touch they are and that they live in a very isolated world, only mixing with a certain kind of person.”
Harry was caught on film three years ago referring to former Pakistani platoon member Ahmed Raza Khan as “our little Paki friend”. It would seem the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree, as Prince Phillip whose racist language is bizarrely often excused as “gaffes” hasn’t exactly hidden his rampant ignorance and bigotry. In 1986, for example, the queen’s husband remarked to a British student during a visit to China: ‘‘If you stay here much longer, you will go home with slitty eyes.”
In 1998, during a tour of Papua New Guinea, he told another British student, ”You managed not to get eaten then?”
Or the time he told a British tourist who was visiting Budapest, Hungary: ”You can’t have been here that long — you haven’t got a pot belly.”
Definitely time for a republic I think ..
Before attending a recent fancy dress party with chums, Prince Harry gave an unreserved apology for using the term “Paki.” (Story here)
“It was a joke” said Harry, “One feels like an absolute spazzy using such outdated terminology. I accept it was,like, a totally gay thing to do and I apologise to all the blacks, my bird with the lovely tits was mortified.”
In more controversy the “Half Wit Prince” says he was persuaded by chums to dress up “Just like Dumbledore” at a recent fancy dress bash in Henley. “I mean after one was tricked into dressing up as the Hun last time, one can’t be too careful! Surely nobody can take offence at one dressed up as a harmless, jolly old wizard” . Indeed Harry, indeed.
The biggest fraud since George Michael passed himself off as straight, (story here.) Personally I think the movie industry should start make feel good films, to cheer us all up during the recession.
“I saved the cheerleader” claims defiant Brown !! Yes, don’t worry people, Gordon Brown has “Saved The World” -(with a little help from SuperMan-delson!)- Hurrah ! (Story HERE)
I must apologise for the lack of posting here, truth is the story dominating the political scene here in the UK , (Damian Green’s arrest) has been a huge, huge bore . Only the Daily Mail seem to care, the rest of us couldn’t give a flying f**k! …..( For a cure for insomnia read here. Personally I’d arrest the lot of them )
Anyway Christmas is nearly here and
The Von Pip Express would like to congratulate Mr Obama on his historic victory. We wish him well. To John McCain and Sarah Palin we feel it would be polite to express our commiserations, alas all we can say, hand on heart is…. “thank F**k! “
“Can We Fix It ? Yes We Can!”
(Listen to Barack’s Victory Song Below)
Well its been impossible to avoid in the UK , but perchance if you have lived in a cave here’s the story
My problem with it was the fact that Russell Brand and Jonathan “untouchable” Ross are paid between them over six million quid a year, for what? -So this is an example of their so called “edgy talent? I’m sure the Beeb could walk into any school playground in the country and find more wit and ready repartee then this cretinous exercise in infantile “humour” ? Talk about dragging an unfunny joke out …(yawn.) It was only a matter of time before Woss’s increasingly pervy behaviour got him into trouble… At the end of the day It just wasn’t really very funny was it ? Whether it deserved the puritanical media storm that followed is another matter…The funniest thing to emerge from this was the Daily Mail going apoplectic about the matter-“a national disgrace” etc – now that made me laugh !
Yes even the royals are having a tough old time of it. Story here
Vladimir Putin’s Desert Island Discs…
As all sides continue to huff and puff ( here)
“Red Army Blues” By The Waterboys
The atmosphere in Beijing is thick with excitement, as well as Ozone, Carbon Monoxide and Nitrogen oxides! Personally Im looking forward to the “Tiananmen Dash,” in which teams have to skillfully avoid tanks and volleys of bullets, the country with the most survivors wins ! Let the games begin….
“China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they’re commonly called in China, jails.” –Conan O’Brien
Recent terrorist trouble in Xinjiang, has meant that local indie tribute band Ho Lean & The Xinjiang Xong, have dropped out of the Olympic opening ceremony. Lead singer Ho Lean explained “It’s not about the terrorist threat, or the fact that we annoy people, lots, we just felt it”s come too early in our career….anyway we want to make music that a tribe in Papua New Guinea can relate to…I want to be an other-worldly being! (CUCKOO!)
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Another day, another sh*t storm for PM Gordon Brown. Just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse, Tony Blair dumps on him from a great height (story here) with news of a “leaked” memo.
Large Version (Click Thumbnail)
What the heck it has to do with Alan Sugar is beyond me? I mean what next? Ant n’Dec on the economy? Joey Barton on prison reform and how not to be a tw*t ?
Crazy moon-faced Hollywood actor Jon Voight has gone all Norma Desmond on us this weekand deigned to let Joe Public know just what he thinks of Barack Obama. Loftily entitled “My Concerns for America” It’s unintentionally hilarious in an American Alan Partridge kind of way…
” It seems to me that if Mr. Obama wins the presidential election, then Messrs.Farrakhan, Wright, Ayers and Pfleger will gain power for their need to demoralize thiscountry and help create a socialist America.”
or check out this nugget on Vietnam
“The radicals of that era were successful in giving the communists power to bring forth the killing fields and slaughter 2.5 million people in Cambodia and South Vietnam. Did they stop the war, or did they bring the war to those innocent people? In the end, they turned their backs on all the horror and suffering they helped create and walked away.”
Hang on ! Isn’t this the same Jon Voight who starred as a paraplegic Vietnam vet in “Coming Home,” along side Anti-war campaigner Hanoi Jane (Fonda) ? And his character, Luke Martin, now what was his motivation in the movie ? Ah yes “Luke has only one obsession: do anything to stop the sending of young guys to war.” Is that Napalm I can smell, or maybe just hypocrisy.It’s rather easy to see why Voight and “liberal” daughter Angelina Jolie, barely get along, isn’t it ?
But wait he’s back, rambling on about Obama’s sinister Communist agenda
“This is a perilous time, and more than ever, the world needs a united and strong America. If, God forbid, we live to see Mr.Obama president, we will live through a socialist era that America has not seen before, and our country will be weakened in every way.”
and like a true right wing redneck, he conjures up that old republican chestnut, the spectre of Nuclear war (Whoooooooo)
“There’s not a cell in my body that can accept the idea that Mr. Obama can keep us safe from the terrorists around the world, and from Iran, which is making great strides toward getting the atomic bomb.”
Fears for Voight’s sanity intensified last night, as the hapless thespian was spotted, dressed as Abraham Lincoln, at poorly attended protest rally (namely Voight and his dog Jo-Buck Reagan III) outside Obama’s campaign quarters, pathetically chanting “He’s big/ He’s black/ Obama loves Iraq”
Elsewhere I paticulary enjoyed Marina Hyde’s take on this story in “The Guardian”
Voight – the political thinker of our age?
“To the Washington Times, where Jon Voight has broken another of his silences on the US election — in an op-ed piece the critics are calling his finest work since he phoned in his performance as the US defence secretary in Transformers last year. God, more than any other actor in the picture, he made Lost in Showbiz realise how vital it was that Megatron should never possess the AllSpark. And he brings that same fervour to the argument that Barack Obama should never possess the presidency.
Having explained that Obama is running as Louis Farrakhan’s enabler, and trying to “program” young American minds to turn commie, the entertainer sets out his stall as one of the foremost political thinkers of our age — and indeed the age in which he was last relevant. He blames liberals for Vietnam. “Did they stop the war,” he asks, “or did they bring the war to those innocent people?”
Something for us all to ponder.”
British Gas today hiked gas bills by 35% and electricity prices by 9% heaping more misery on households. The price hikes come into effect immediately and will add an extra £262.80 a year to the average dual fuel customer’s bill, or 72p a day. This news came after Jake Ulrich, the managing director of Centrica, which owns British Gas, angered aged charities and consumer groups by advising “ maybe it’s a case of two jumpers instead of one.”
( Story here )
Parliament goes “X-Factor” as Labour urges voters to reject the Tory Status Quo..
But who will the public vote for ….The David Milli-band perhaps ?
Meanwhile in a far, far away land to the North, a cold land, barren and strangely devoid of trophies , Kevin Keegan AKA King Kev (sic) explains why he won’t turn his back on soccer thug and all round low-life, Joey Barton. “I believe I can turn his life around, a bit like Jesus, I can show him the way, people just have to believe in me.”
Just before he was to visit “the real Santa” in la-la land, Keegan (the Christ), went on to explain, “People may see me as naive, well fair enough, it’s a mans game and at the end of the day they are entitled to pays their monies and takes their choice” before he inexplicably ran out of clichés……
Its great to know everybody’s behind you, Gordon (story here.) Is Jack Straw really revolting ?
And then there are the Blairites who dream of the day their knight in shining armour rides in to save poor Gordon. But what is one persons dream, is another’s nightmare ! 😉
Doctors have spoken out against annual testing which is to be introduced by the General Medical Council. They fear this will undermine public confidence in them and it would mean doctors spending less time with patients and practising “defensive medicine”. Story here
Should Thatcher, the wicked old witch have a state funeral? Should it not be something appropriate to sum up the nations feeling towards this evil hag ? Possibly something like this…………
As Frankie Boyle so eloquently put it
“surely it would be cheaper to buy everybody in Scotland a spade in order to dig a hole so deep thus enabling her to be delivered directly to Satan”
At £120,000 plus a week, I’d take that sort of slavery, over my own “freedom” any day.
Ronaldo complains that he is a modern day slave ,(story here ) whilst Frank Lampard claims Chelsea’s offer of £140,000 a week ( yes A WEEK) is an “insult.” (article here. ) So please, please spare a thought for poor Christiano and Frank, we share their pain.
So our troubled PM Gordon Brown likens himself to the dark brooding anti hero in Emily Bronte’s classic tale of obsessive love “Wuthering Heights” …..hmmmm well he has a point I suppose (story here)
So the universal economic credit crunch continues to bite, but who is to blame, is it really all Gordon Brown’s fault, is he really responsible for the wolves being at the door ? And who can save us ?
The economy is certainly in need of a Doctor…..but who ?
Looks like we’re f**ked !
(ps/ And perhaps more importantly.. why has Billie Piper suddenly developed a lisp “Quick Doctha we need to escapth in the tardith ! ” Thankfully “Christotha Ecclethtan” left a few years back eh? 😉
David Davis, shadow home secretary and one of the Tories’ political heavyweights, stunned Westminster by announcing he was quitting as both an MP and Shadow Home Secretary to fight against the Government’s “strangulation” of British freedoms. Davis is apparently opposed to the anti-terror bill that allows the authorities to detain terror suspects without charge for up to 42 days.
The shadow home secretary, who threw the Conservative leadership into turmoil, forcing a byelection in his constituency, yesterday, unveiled his campaign team …..
Apparently Prime Minister Gordon Brown wrote to footballer John Terry
to sympathise with himafter his penalty miss cost Chelsea the European
Champions League title……sadly it transpires John”Mr Chelsea” Terry
did not recieve said message …. apparently “he just missed the post”
… 😉 (story here)
New Bespoke designer Suit £ 8,000
UnneccesarilyFlash Ferrari £ 172,000
W.A.G. Approved Jimmy Choos £800.00
Ego massage £500.00
Falling over on your arse, when taking the most important
penalty in your clubs history in front of a global audience of billions…
Rumours are that Chelsea captain John Terry is looking for a
new boot sponsor
(Ps The Verve have released a tribute song to John Terry after his
Its called “The Studs Don’t Work”)
Boris Johnson, London’s new mayor has vowed to change the way people view City Hall. He denied suggestions his election has made London a laughing stock, however…..
John Prescott admitted for the first time that he suffered from Bulimia for 20 years : “What I did was stuff my face with anything around, any old rubbish — burgers, chocolate, crisps, fish and chips, Labour Party policy, loads of it, till I felt sick. But at least I’d had the pleasure of stuffing my face and feeling really full. Then there would be a weird kind of pleasure in vomiting over Tony Blair and feeling relieved.”
Friends say they are stunned. Neighbour Eric Marmasat said yesterday “ We are shocked that John has been suffering from an eating disorder, he was always a greedy b*stard, I`ll grant you, but we had no idea it was this bad, even the time a few years back when he ran across a farmers field once roaring “I MUST HAVE THE BACON !” and tried to eat a live pig we thought that was just John being John”
However as our exclusive photos show there may have been small tell tale signs in the past which could provide some evidence of an unhealthy attitude to food.
Holy Moses ! Finally !
He’ll be going somewhere a little hot me thinks (Story)
On Tuesday evening we can reveal that Charlton Heston rather hopefully showed up at the pearly gates, assault rifle jauntily slung over his shoulder, as he prepared to meet his maker. He was greeted at “Heavens Gate” by Saint Peter who had assumed the form of Cornelius from the Planet Of The Apes movies. We can also exclusively divulge that Charlton said unto Peter
“Oh lordy, if I’d have known that you were an ape, I would never have made that movie”,
and Peter replied “If you also knew that 80% of the people here are victims of gun violence, would you still have been the president of the NRA? Come along now Charlton please, give me the gun “
“From my Cold Dead Hands” mumbles a cantankerous old Charlton
Our souce in heaven tells us that Saint Peter smiled and gently tried to take the gun from Charlton’s stiffened gnarled old fingers, which were indeed cold and dead, and were suffering from the advanced stages of rigor mortis, resembling an arthritic pigeons hideously deformed feet.
Alas Charlton was displeased
“Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!” he roared, thus ensuring a booking for all eternity at “The Ninth Circle” Lodge in the exclusive ” Judecca Suite,” right next to Judas Iscariot.
She may well have considered her Balkan adventure to be a case of “Courage Under Fire” but we at the VPE think its more a case of “Liar Liar” Well the Clintons have redefined what constitutes infidelity and now many a bloke can say “well dear does a blowie really count ?” Now they have reinvented what a lie is ! Apparently she didn’t tell fibs, porkies or even lie, oh no , she simply “misspoke.” almost as if it was quite accidental . The language of politics eh ?”Misspoke” sounds somehow softer, cuddlier than “YUP I lied” and was probably employed to leave us scratching our heads . (“Misspoke?” What the F**k does that even mean ? What did she misspeak about ?.. Dunno Can’t remember now , Man I’m confused ! Pass me another Bud, Dolores”)
Now the only “congress” I thought Bill was interested in was that of a sexual nature, but I thought Hilary had a bit more sense. Apparently not ! Who would be daft enough to vote for such a rotten fibber, one whose lies were so rubbish that I do actually believe at one point her pants actually caught fire ! At least the current President is a fine…oh …..erm.. wait..Hmmm..point taken. Leave ’em to it eh ! We note with no small amount of amusement that The Washington Post has awarded Hilary a “Four Pinocchio” rating
“The Drugs Don’t Work” and evidently neither does the law. Read the story here. It’s depressing. Yet another loophole that sees big business getting away with murder
“The Drugs Don’t Work ” By The Verve