Scientists Tap Into Our Very Thoughts !

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The news that scientists can tap into our very thoughts offers hope for many ….. See Story here

But it’s not good news for everybody

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John Prescott Admits “I Ate All the Pies”

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John Prescott admitted for the first time that he suffered from Bulimia for 20 years : “What I did was stuff my face with anything around, any old rubbish — burgers, chocolate, crisps, fish and chips, Labour Party policy,  loads of it, till I felt sick. But at least I’d had the pleasure of stuffing my face and feeling really full. Then there would be a weird kind of pleasure in vomiting over Tony Blair and feeling relieved.”
Friends say they are stunned. Neighbour Eric Marmasat said yesterday “ We are shocked that John has been suffering from an eating disorder, he was always a greedy b*stard, I`ll grant you, but we had no idea it was this bad, even the time a few years back when he ran across a farmers field once roaring “I MUST HAVE THE BACON !”   and  tried to eat a live pig we thought that was just John being John”

However as our  exclusive photos show  there may have been small tell tale  signs in the past which could provide some evidence of an unhealthy attitude to food.

Charlton Heston Dead

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Holy Moses ! Finally !

He’ll be going somewhere a little hot me thinks (Story)

UPDATE:

On Tuesday evening we can reveal that Charlton Heston rather hopefully showed up at the pearly gates, assault rifle jauntily slung over his shoulder, as he prepared to meet his maker.  He was greeted at “Heavens Gate” by Saint Peter who had assumed the form of Cornelius from the Planet Of The Apes movies. We can also exclusively divulge that Charlton said unto Peter

Oh lordy, if I’d have known that you were an ape, I would never have made that movie”,

and Peter replied “If you also knew that 80% of the people here are victims of gun violence, would you still have been the president of the NRA? Come along now Charlton please, give me the gun “

“From my Cold Dead Hands” mumbles a cantankerous old Charlton

Our souce in heaven tells us that Saint Peter smiled and gently tried to take the gun from Charlton’s stiffened gnarled old fingers, which were indeed cold and dead,  and were suffering from the advanced stages of rigor mortis, resembling an arthritic pigeons hideously deformed feet.

Alas Charlton was displeased

“Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!” he roared, thus ensuring a booking for all eternity at “The Ninth Circle” Lodge in the exclusive ” Judecca Suite,” right next to Judas Iscariot.

“Elevator going DOWN! ”


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China Bans Non-Government Online-Video Sites

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Reports from China  suggest that The CPC ( lead by President  Hu Jintao ) have blocked web surfers from accessing  You Tube (see story).

The authorities signalled yesterday that they would no longer tolerate the “broadcast of degenerate thinking”, which has buggered Simon Cowells attempt to get  the “X” or “ɕ” Factor on in China (or snappily known in The Peoples Republic  as  “The Voiceless Alveolo-Palatal Fricative” Factor). I for one can see their point!


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If You Believe David Cameron…..

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….he appears to think he is setting the political agenda, yes  he is pulling the strings and Gordon is dancing to his tune…..(that’s if you believe David Cameron….) Frightening really, that the Jeremy Kyle of Parliament is becoming rather more popular than he was some six weeks back

He also seems to think that all the best policy decisions made by any political party over the last 40 years have been his and his alone….. hmmmmm…mind you his family album shows Davey boy has always been one step ahead of the game…

The Tate Modern’s Latest Installation -Is It Art ?

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The Tate Modern’s latest installation a variation on Doris Salcedo’s brilliant “Shibboleth” ( affectionately known as ” Doris’s crack” ), truly shows that art really does mirror life….

“Gordon’s Cracking” on display at least until the next general election

Cameron Denies Making Up Story About Unruly Schoolboy

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David Cameron has been charged with fabricating a story about an unruly schoolboy for political gain, see original story here . Cameron denies his story was a complete work of fiction dreamt up by the Tory spin machine……..reports that Richmal Crompton’s estate are to sue have yet to be confirmed

Carry On Cameron- David Cameron Gets The Green Light

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Click Below To Hear the New Conservative Party Theme Tune

Oh how fickle are opinion polls, a week ago Eton Trifle David Cameron was less popular than a pool party at Michael Barrymore’s gaffe. Golden Brown and Ming The Mirthless were proving to be considerably more popular with the general public and Cameron was universally loathed and despised.

But hey a weeks a long time in politics and after Cameron’s extraordinary conference display its a case of “Everybody Loves Davey.” But what the devil caused such a miraculous transformation ? Did he announce radical new policies , did he turn water into wine , well the latter’s more likely than the former for Davey boy to be honest … but nope he performed ….a conference speech without strings wires or a safety net , yes, he didn’t have an auto cue (collective gasp!) Politically it may be a brave thing to do, and certainly it was spun in such a way that the fact that a politician has a memory and can form sentences is something that should,quite reasonably, secure Cameron the keys to Number 10 until the end of time if not longer ( Sorry Ming , your out old son.) But those who whisper in revered tones “it was unscripted” seem to be under the false impression it was some sort of improv off the cuff speech. Come on ! We all know hes been preparing it for months, learning it page by page night after night , and credit where credits due it was a well acted piece if not quite Olivier’s Hamlet.

Sadly the Tories still let themselves down, John Harris’ excellent piece in The Guardian (Here ) shows that their approach to The NHS for example is even more worrying than Gordos (and of course race , but thats another story) Not really a wise move to represent nurses in a charity calender not as well educated , dedicated health professionals , but as public school boy wank fantasies. Not really going to get them on your side is it eh chaps? Of course Sid the sexist types will say the sexual objectification of female nurses is of course “harmless fun,” (See MP and New-man, Tim Laughton’s justification here ) and the only people objecting are the humorless Millie Tant types and hairy legged lesbians, Oh and not forgetting the ” You know what she needs “ brigade….. sadly its still 1974 in some peoples heads.

So Davey boy, unscripted or not , its not quite “Whoose Line Is It Anyway?” Nope it’s still more a case of “Carry On Dick”

Deathly Hollow – Harry Potter-Finished

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The sound of sobbing echoed through the corridors of the VP Express this week. It transpired that some amongst us had finally ended our long journey sharing the wonderful adventures of one Mr H. Potter. Copies of the final novel in this marvellous series lay scattered about the office, many sodden in tears, as we bid a painful farewell to Harry and his brave chums.

But fear not help is at hand, using only the finest magical herbs including gillyweed, flitterbloom, fluxweed and gurdyroot we have produced a sure fire homeopathic remedy to chase the blues away. From the same people who brought you “Lightning Scar” Migraine relief, Andus Campbledore & Co. Ltd gives you..

Ps. Could somebody maybe run the wands thing by me again though ?


Babies Learn To Like Junk Food In The Womb

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Eating unhealthy food whilst pregnant can make kids lardy

Children exposed to “maternal junk food” in the womb or early in life may find it harder to resist an unhealthy diet as they grow older, say the researchers.

Dr Stephanie Bayol, from the Royal Veterinary College in London, said: “Our study has shown that eating large quantities of junk food when pregnant and breastfeeding could impair the normal control of appetite and promote an exacerbated taste for junk food in offspring.”

However not all the experts agree, Doctor Ronald Henry McDonald of McResearch Ltd – (11 – 59 High Road East Finchley, London N2 8AW) for example, states, ” there is no such thing as junk food, if children get fat and die , that’s their own fault, we,…. I…I mean the fast food industry cannot be blamed. They certainly don’t promote their food to children.”

Hmm so a “Happy Meal” (including free toy ) advertised by a clown giving away brightly coloured balloons is supposed to appeal to whom…? George W. Bush ?… Not me though, I’ve seen “IT,” Pennywise, the dancing clown scared the B’jesus out of me and no mistake.

But babies developing a taste for Big Macs ? I can just see McDonald’s execs rubbing their hands together with glee can’t you ? Hook em before they are even born. Scary…

“M-m-m-m..”

Oi Chantelle, the sprogs tryin’ to say Mummy “

“m-m-m”

“awww how cute, could be little Wayne’s first word ? “

“M-M-M-McDonalds , M-M-MCDONALDS ”

And sadly that’s slightly worse than Motherf***er in my book.

M.O.D. To Gag Army Personnel Blogs

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Forces members will be banned from talking online and furthermore prevented from taking part in surveys, post on bulletin boards, or sending pictures or video material without permission, if the messages concern defence matters. Instead, “all such communication must help to maintain and, where possible, enhance the reputation of defence”.

Is this censorship gone mad? Would they do this if the “war” was going well? Or is it merely because, during the many conflicts of recent years , the U.K. has singularly failed to produce one decent war poet ? Whatever the reason, surely soldiers, sharing their experiences has aways been part of military life, and is for the individual, a form of catharsis ?

Historically society has always been able to read these experiences, such insights may well help us more fully understand the human cost of the futility of war.

Tory Party Take Radical Action To Contain Outbreak Of “Foot In Mouth”Disease

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When does somebody cease to be an affable, eccentric oaf and become a bigoted, ignorant racist ? Sometimes a shake of the carefully manufactured ruffled head, a cry of “Oh Cripes!” and the trademark insincere mumbled, shoulder shrugging half-arsed apology through a schoolboy smirk just doesn’t cut the mustard .

 

The bigotry of bumbling Boris

BBC To Investigate Claims Of Product Placement

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It’s been a bad month or two for the Beeb , first the phone-in scandals , then the “misleading editing” . Now they are to review a number of shows to investigate claims of “product placement”.

This of course is nothing new , and is in fact set to increase, despite protestations from script writers “We’re not interested in injuring revenues on which we all depend,” the heads of the two Writers Guild branches wrote to their members. “But when writers are asked to construct stories around and for the benefit of potato chips or soft drinks, when our members are asked not only to be storytellers but advertisement copywriters as well, then things are getting out of hand. Writers must have greater input and control of this process.”

It is also slowly creeping into the world of pop , with Black Eyed Pea, Fergie, apparently agreeing to promote clothing within her song lyrics for the sum of $ 4 Million. Interscope records state”With record sales in decline, you must find novel ways to make money out of the music. The trick is to make the brand part of the song so that it slips down easily rather than chokes the fan. C****ie’s will have no say over exactly what Fergie will sing, or when. Fergie does not sing jingles so it will have to work unobtrusively in the song.” “My Humps, My Humps ,My Humps My Silver Spoon Sponsored  Sugar Lumps .” Yeah Right !

Of course with the arrival of technology that allows the viewer to completely bypass adverts , TV shows and Hollywood Studios will be looking at innovative ways to increase the non too subtle presence of advertising.

To see to what extent placement has taken over the movies have a look here

Brown Meets Bush

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When GB from …erm G.B. met GB (I’m confused already )…..Who on earth said George W was a big kid with the keys to the worlds biggest sweetshop? The man oozes dignity , style and class, as demonstrated by his favorite mode of transport which befits the leader of the worlds most powerful country.

I-Phones Boost Apple

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Apple has made strong three-month profits, helped by Mac and iPhone sales, even though the phones were only available for two days of the quarter. Coupled with the phenominal success  of the I-pod, Steve Jobs has declared that his  aim now is to take over the world and enslave mankind. Said Jobs , yesterday ” Sometimes you don’t need an Army to expand your Empire “

Under Fire Cameron Defends Rwandan Trip

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David Cameron has defended his visit to Rwanda despite many voters and parliamentarians criticising him for not cancelling due to the severe flooding in his constituency. This trip also coincided with a number of newspapers turning a critical eye on Mps travel expenses . The Daily Wail says the total paid out to cover travel,and other costs rose by an above-inflation 5.5%. Of course Mr Cameron, would never fiddle his expenses or demand first class travel and five star accommodation, would he?

“Voters Turning Against Cameron?”

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David Cameron is losing his appeal to voters, according to a recent Guardian/ICM poll which suggests that many Conservative voters are losing their enthusiasm for the Tory leader. It also shows that he is no longer attracting new support to the party.

He just cant compete with the “Brown Bounce” factor , but what on God’s green earth is “Brown Bounce ?” ..Let me attempt to explain…..

Heavy Rain And Floods Hit Gloucestershire

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More than 48,000 homes had power restored in Gloucestershire as waters finally receded. Emergency services where said to have been at “breaking point”. Trying to get a doctor was a nightmare ! 

Floods Are “Judgment On Society” Says Bishop

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The clearly insane Rt Rev Graham Dow, Bishop of Carlisle, argued that the recent floods in the UK are not just a result of a lack of respect for the planet, but also a judgment on society’s moral decadence.”We are in serious moral trouble because every type of lifestyle is now regarded as legitimate,” he said.

Our government has been playing the role of God in saying that people are free to act as they want,” he said, adding that the introduction of recent pro-gay laws highlighted its determination to undermine marriage.

“God’s Moral Judgement ? “

Harry Potter Help Line Set Up!

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A national children’s helpline says it’s ready to deal with calls from Potter fans who may feel emotionally traumatised after the final book in the series is published. Childline took a large volume of calls from teens who were upset when Take That split in 1996 and say a similar reaction may occur with the end of the Potter books.

It said “the death of any of the major characters in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows could be very hard on younger readers.” Dearie me, are we so emotionally retarded that we need counseling for fictional characters now ? Has the world gone completely mad ? Can they really be serious ?

Personally I was gutted when Sirius Black was killed off …sniffle.. DEAL WITH IT …ITS NOT REAL !

Daily Mail Ready To Attack Ken Livingstone (Again)

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Yup the Dail Mail announced it will back Boris Johnson in the London Mayoral election if he wins the Tory nomination , so watch out for attacks on Ken Livingstone and his” loony left Cuban loving cronies”. Possibly along the lines of “Vote For Ken And He’ll Corrupt Your Children With Books Such As ….

” This of course will lead to Daily Mail readers cowering in the corners mumbling “I always new Red Ken was a bad lot, what we need is Homeland Security”

Row Over Russian Expulsions Set To Rumble On

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As everybody  outside of Stamford Bridge asks the question…….

David Cameron Insists Boris “A Serious Contender For London Mayors Job”

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David Cameron has insisted that  twice sacked  Boris Johnson was not a last resort as they sought a high profile candidate to challenge Ken Livinsgtone in next years Mayoral elections. “Boris is very serious about his candidature  and if selected would be a genuine contender for the post” said Cameron, keeping a remarkably straight face . Meanwhile at another photo call, Boris showed off his latest idea for environmentally friendly travel around the capital…..

Daily Mail Crank Up Anti-Gordon Brown Campaign

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This is really a response to a headline which I’d spotted in the Daily Express entitled “The Madness Of Gordon Brown”. ,(The Mail And The Express are renowned for their unhysterical and reasonable journalism,) in which it claimed Big Gordo wants all our kids to learn Urdu and all school uniforms will be replaced by berkas. He also plans to remove the word “Great” from Great Britain, prescribe free garlic for the under fives and is apparently planning an amnesty on sausages before a total ban. All the tabloids are fairly ludicrous but the Mail pips it for me with their ridiculous rants and po-faced missives on of the “culture of fear ” promoting paranoia on a daily basis, a world in which  around every corner there is a terrorist/asylum seeker or hoodie waiting to pounce. The poor journalists must be shitting themselves.  The paper really has gone beyond self parody, it’s everyman for himself and trust nobody ….Theres nothing like well balanced journalism and this is ,well…., nothing like it .

Channel 4 News Say Criticism Unjustified

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Channel 4 have refuted allegations that they have dumbed down their news coverage of late

LA Galaxy Shirts In Demand

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David Beckhams arrival as LA Galaxy’s new signing has prompted a huge demand for the new team shirt. The teams new sponsers are said to be humbled yet delighted . David and Victoria’s new bestest friend Tom Cruise said yesterday “Man is an immortal, spiritual being. His experience extends well beyond a single lifetime. His capabilities are unlimited, even if not presently realized — and those capabilities can be realized. He is able to not only solve his own problems, accomplish his goals and gain lasting happiness, but also achieve new, higher states of awareness and ability.” Erm Ok….

Manchester Angry At Super Casino Rethink

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Manchester gets a clear message from Brown about the perils of gambling, and about their chances of getting the proposed super casino

Death penalty for China official

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China has sentenced the former head of the State Food and Drug Administration to death after he was convicted of corruption, state media has reported. He had been accused by an official investigation last month of accepting more than 6.5m yuan ($850,000) in bribes to approve hundreds of drugs. Dozens of people have died in China because of poor quality or fake drugs. Government officials deny this will have an effect onexports carrying the tag “Made In China” . “Our Products are still very safe” said a Party member yesterday