John Prescott admitted for the first time that he suffered from Bulimia for 20 years : “What I did was stuff my face with anything around, any old rubbish — burgers, chocolate, crisps, fish and chips, Labour Party policy, loads of it, till I felt sick. But at least I’d had the pleasure of stuffing my face and feeling really full. Then there would be a weird kind of pleasure in vomiting over Tony Blair and feeling relieved.”
Friends say they are stunned. Neighbour Eric Marmasat said yesterday “ We are shocked that John has been suffering from an eating disorder, he was always a greedy b*stard, I`ll grant you, but we had no idea it was this bad, even the time a few years back when he ran across a farmers field once roaring “I MUST HAVE THE BACON !” and tried to eat a live pig we thought that was just John being John”
However as our exclusive photos show there may have been small tell tale signs in the past which could provide some evidence of an unhealthy attitude to food.
Holy Moses ! Finally !
He’ll be going somewhere a little hot me thinks (Story)
On Tuesday evening we can reveal that Charlton Heston rather hopefully showed up at the pearly gates, assault rifle jauntily slung over his shoulder, as he prepared to meet his maker. He was greeted at “Heavens Gate” by Saint Peter who had assumed the form of Cornelius from the Planet Of The Apes movies. We can also exclusively divulge that Charlton said unto Peter
“Oh lordy, if I’d have known that you were an ape, I would never have made that movie”,
and Peter replied “If you also knew that 80% of the people here are victims of gun violence, would you still have been the president of the NRA? Come along now Charlton please, give me the gun “
“From my Cold Dead Hands” mumbles a cantankerous old Charlton
Our souce in heaven tells us that Saint Peter smiled and gently tried to take the gun from Charlton’s stiffened gnarled old fingers, which were indeed cold and dead, and were suffering from the advanced stages of rigor mortis, resembling an arthritic pigeons hideously deformed feet.
Alas Charlton was displeased
“Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!” he roared, thus ensuring a booking for all eternity at “The Ninth Circle” Lodge in the exclusive ” Judecca Suite,” right next to Judas Iscariot.
“Elevator going DOWN! ”
After revelations that copper topped super hero Prince Harry has been fighting the Taliban single hand-idly, using only a tooth pick and plenty of British pluck in Afghanistan, the M.O.D have been quick to squash rumours that Harry was treated any differently to a regular soldier. They also deny that Harry’s presence there was a distraction, or that it could have put his unit in danger. However our exclusive picture may suggest a different story…..
….he appears to think he is setting the political agenda, yes he is pulling the strings and Gordon is dancing to his tune…..(that’s if you believe David Cameron….) Frightening really, that the Jeremy Kyle of Parliament is becoming rather more popular than he was some six weeks back
He also seems to think that all the best policy decisions made by any political party over the last 40 years have been his and his alone….. hmmmmm…mind you his family album shows Davey boy has always been one step ahead of the game…
David Cameron has been charged with fabricating a story about an unruly schoolboy for political gain, see original story here . Cameron denies his story was a complete work of fiction dreamt up by the Tory spin machine……..reports that Richmal Crompton’s estate are to sue have yet to be confirmed
When does somebody cease to be an affable, eccentric oaf and become a bigoted, ignorant racist ? Sometimes a shake of the carefully manufactured ruffled head, a cry of “Oh Cripes!” and the trademark insincere mumbled, shoulder shrugging half-arsed apology through a schoolboy smirk just doesn’t cut the mustard .
The bigotry of bumbling Boris
But will the relationship still be as special as “The George And Tony Love-In “?
David Cameron is losing his appeal to voters, according to a recent Guardian/ICM poll which suggests that many Conservative voters are losing their enthusiasm for the Tory leader. It also shows that he is no longer attracting new support to the party.
He just cant compete with the “Brown Bounce” factor , but what on God’s green earth is “Brown Bounce ?” ..Let me attempt to explain…..
David Cameron has insisted that twice sacked Boris Johnson was not a last resort as they sought a high profile candidate to challenge Ken Livinsgtone in next years Mayoral elections. “Boris is very serious about his candidature and if selected would be a genuine contender for the post” said Cameron, keeping a remarkably straight face . Meanwhile at another photo call, Boris showed off his latest idea for environmentally friendly travel around the capital…..
This is really a response to a headline which I’d spotted in the Daily Express entitled “The Madness Of Gordon Brown”. ,(The Mail And The Express are renowned for their unhysterical and reasonable journalism,) in which it claimed Big Gordo wants all our kids to learn Urdu and all school uniforms will be replaced by berkas. He also plans to remove the word “Great” from Great Britain, prescribe free garlic for the under fives and is apparently planning an amnesty on sausages before a total ban. All the tabloids are fairly ludicrous but the Mail pips it for me with their ridiculous rants and po-faced missives on of the “culture of fear ” promoting paranoia on a daily basis, a world in which around every corner there is a terrorist/asylum seeker or hoodie waiting to pounce. The poor journalists must be shitting themselves. The paper really has gone beyond self parody, it’s everyman for himself and trust nobody ….Theres nothing like well balanced journalism and this is ,well…., nothing like it .
Channel 4 have refuted allegations that they have dumbed down their news coverage of late
Manchester gets a clear message from Brown about the perils of gambling, and about their chances of getting the proposed super casino
The shock being that he has one , not so shocking was, its a bit shit and a bit like “back to basics ” and when it comes down to it, he hasn’t really decided how it will work . Still hes’s used the “broken down Britain” soundbite quite a bit , although hes not sure about that either.
Despite the fact that members of the July 21st suicide bomb plot were caught on surveillance photos, Police and M15 failed to follow up their inquiries . This quite rightly has provoked scrutiny of Britains intelligence and surveillance services following the conviction of four the terrorists. An intelligence source suggets that the response from security services has been some what disappointing ………
Yup Blairs right arm (?) Alastair Campbell publishes his “warts and all account” of life at No.10 . Promising it to be hard hitting and truthful , one wonders when Mr Campbell became acquainted with the concept of ” truth ?” Excerpts thus far include the following gushing references to Tony Blair (or “TB “as Toxic Ali calls him ) ” His performance today had been superb“and “he did a brilliant put down to the Lib Dems” followed by yet more badly written fawning “TB was good in the use of language and captured the sense of ocassion “ or how about the arse-licking beauty of “TB had definately come out on top-His performance today had been brilliant” zzzzzz.
In possibly the least shocking revelation in the history of the world ..like….EVER, Ali tells us that “TB” once stated “Its important I understood why parts Of Thatcherisim are right” , and ” What gives me a real edge is that I`m not as Labour as you lot. ” GASP!!! WELL I NEVER . That Mr Tony certainly pulled the wool over the eyes of the party membership.Why I always thought he was a dyed in the wool socialist and no mistake?
Campbell goes on to recall, with misty eyed nostalgia the day TB parachuted behind enemy lines and rescued several western hostages disarming their captors using only his ready smile and sincere rhetoric ……Hopefully the book will include a free sick bag!
PS. I’m starting to get the notion that TB actually stand for Total Bollocks
New Prime Minister Gordon “Call Me Gordy” Brown has vowed to do away with the politics of celebrity much loved by Tony Blair . “I’m here to serve and to be an ambassador for this country. I do not believe in Policticians becoming celebrities.” However despite this claim , spin doctors have attempted to “modernise” Gordo’s image as many Labour supporters remember Michael Foot and his “Duffle Coat of Shame”.
Gordo was initially resistant to a “trendification” of his image , but reluctantly accepted that in the media age , presentation unfortunately plays a major part in modern politics. He agreed to a slightly new look , which he unveiled yesterday whilst visiting a home for spastics.
Well , Gordon’s first name is actually James http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gordon_Brown
and lets face it anybody who picks the name Gordon over James , is probably not going to end up the godfather of soul . Still the fact remains, for all Tony Blairs pretensions and groovy declarations of his love of Rock and Pop Music (like an embarrassingly trendy geography teacher), it’s ironic that it’s his rather straight -laced arch enemy and new PM who has the truly legendary rock n roll name . Ladies and Gents I give you …………….James
Gordon Brown, “God Father Of Microeconomic Policies”
“Tony, I’m ready to get up and do my thing (no chance !)
I wanna get into No.10, man, you know (I’m not letting you !)
Get up, (get on up)
Get up, (Interest rates up?)
And then, shake your money maker,
Just like Kenneth Baker,
Shake your money maker, Tax And Spend
Right On ! “
To be honest I prefer my politicians straight-laced , I mean who would want a tit like Bono running a country ?
Peace Envoy ? I know he thinks he’s a player on the international stage but “peace” envoy ?
All he seems to have done in the Middle East is cause chaos and misery ? Ask your self this ….is the world a safer place because of Blair and Bush’s actions in the middle east ?
Tony Blair – International Man Of Misery
The legacy ??
“Nothing’s changed for all the death that their ideas created
It’s just the same fascistic games, but the rules aren’t clearly stated
Nothing’s really different cos all government’s the same
They can call it freedom, but slavery’s the game”
And now he’s been given the role of Middle Eastern Peace keeper ??? Odd that somebody who has bombed the shit out of parts of the middle east has been given the role of “peace keeper . It’s rather like asking Flavor Flav , Chuck D , Professor Griff and Terminator X to perform at a Bar Mitzvah
Golden Gordon Brown
“Gordon Brown texture like sun
Even though Fiscal policies ain’t fun
Throughout the night
Get Taxation right
Never a frown with Gordon Brown”
“I put the Grrrrr In “ground zero” baby!”