Charlton Heston Dead

Humour, News, Popular Culture, Prime Minister, Uncategorized, World News

Holy Moses ! Finally !

He’ll be going somewhere a little hot me thinks (Story)

UPDATE:

On Tuesday evening we can reveal that Charlton Heston rather hopefully showed up at the pearly gates, assault rifle jauntily slung over his shoulder, as he prepared to meet his maker.  He was greeted at “Heavens Gate” by Saint Peter who had assumed the form of Cornelius from the Planet Of The Apes movies. We can also exclusively divulge that Charlton said unto Peter

Oh lordy, if I’d have known that you were an ape, I would never have made that movie”,

and Peter replied “If you also knew that 80% of the people here are victims of gun violence, would you still have been the president of the NRA? Come along now Charlton please, give me the gun “

“From my Cold Dead Hands” mumbles a cantankerous old Charlton

Our souce in heaven tells us that Saint Peter smiled and gently tried to take the gun from Charlton’s stiffened gnarled old fingers, which were indeed cold and dead,  and were suffering from the advanced stages of rigor mortis, resembling an arthritic pigeons hideously deformed feet.

Alas Charlton was displeased

“Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!” he roared, thus ensuring a booking for all eternity at “The Ninth Circle” Lodge in the exclusive ” Judecca Suite,” right next to Judas Iscariot.

“Elevator going DOWN! ”


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The Tate Modern’s Latest Installation -Is It Art ?

"Shibboleth", Anti-Gordon Brown, Art, Doris Salcedo, Doris's crack, Gordon Brown, Labour Party, London, Modern Art, Photoshopping, Politics, Popular Culture, Tate Modern, Turbine Hall, World News

The Tate Modern’s latest installation a variation on Doris Salcedo’s brilliant “Shibboleth” ( affectionately known as ” Doris’s crack” ), truly shows that art really does mirror life….

“Gordon’s Cracking” on display at least until the next general election

Tory Party Take Radical Action To Contain Outbreak Of “Foot In Mouth”Disease

Boris Johnson, Clown, Conservative, Foot And Mouth, Greed, Humour, Ken Livingstone, London, London Mayor, News, Oaf, Popular Culture, Prime Minister, propaganda, Racist, showbiz, Spin, Tony Blair, Tory, UK Media, UK NEWS HEADLINES, World News

 


When does somebody cease to be an affable, eccentric oaf and become a bigoted, ignorant racist ? Sometimes a shake of the carefully manufactured ruffled head, a cry of “Oh Cripes!” and the trademark insincere mumbled, shoulder shrugging half-arsed apology through a schoolboy smirk just doesn’t cut the mustard .

 

The bigotry of bumbling Boris

BBC To Investigate Claims Of Product Placement

Advertising, BBC, BBC Admits Mistakes, Black Eyed Peas, Business news, Fergie, Media, Movies, Music, News, Next Generation, Pop, Pop Music, Popular Culture, Product Placement, Star Trek, UK Media, UK NEWS HEADLINES, World News

It’s been a bad month or two for the Beeb , first the phone-in scandals , then the “misleading editing” . Now they are to review a number of shows to investigate claims of “product placement”.

This of course is nothing new , and is in fact set to increase, despite protestations from script writers “We’re not interested in injuring revenues on which we all depend,” the heads of the two Writers Guild branches wrote to their members. “But when writers are asked to construct stories around and for the benefit of potato chips or soft drinks, when our members are asked not only to be storytellers but advertisement copywriters as well, then things are getting out of hand. Writers must have greater input and control of this process.”

It is also slowly creeping into the world of pop , with Black Eyed Pea, Fergie, apparently agreeing to promote clothing within her song lyrics for the sum of $ 4 Million. Interscope records state”With record sales in decline, you must find novel ways to make money out of the music. The trick is to make the brand part of the song so that it slips down easily rather than chokes the fan. C****ie’s will have no say over exactly what Fergie will sing, or when. Fergie does not sing jingles so it will have to work unobtrusively in the song.” “My Humps, My Humps ,My Humps My Silver Spoon Sponsored  Sugar Lumps .” Yeah Right !

Of course with the arrival of technology that allows the viewer to completely bypass adverts , TV shows and Hollywood Studios will be looking at innovative ways to increase the non too subtle presence of advertising.

To see to what extent placement has taken over the movies have a look here

Brown Meets Bush

Bush and Brown, George W Bush Jokes, Gordon Brown, Politics, Popular Culture, President, U.S. News, UK Media, UK NEWS HEADLINES, World News

When GB from …erm G.B. met GB (I’m confused already )…..Who on earth said George W was a big kid with the keys to the worlds biggest sweetshop? The man oozes dignity , style and class, as demonstrated by his favorite mode of transport which befits the leader of the worlds most powerful country.

Under Fire Cameron Defends Rwandan Trip

Anti-David Cameron, Business news, Capitalisim, Climate Change, Conservative, David Cameron, Flooding, Humour, Mp's Expenses, Popular Culture, PR, Rwanda, UK Media, UK NEWS HEADLINES, World News

David Cameron has defended his visit to Rwanda despite many voters and parliamentarians criticising him for not cancelling due to the severe flooding in his constituency. This trip also coincided with a number of newspapers turning a critical eye on Mps travel expenses . The Daily Wail says the total paid out to cover travel,and other costs rose by an above-inflation 5.5%. Of course Mr Cameron, would never fiddle his expenses or demand first class travel and five star accommodation, would he?

Heavy Rain And Floods Hit Gloucestershire

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More than 48,000 homes had power restored in Gloucestershire as waters finally receded. Emergency services where said to have been at “breaking point”. Trying to get a doctor was a nightmare ! 

The Crazy World Of Kate Nash-Belated Birthday Greetings

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Well we have been somewhat remiss here at The Von Pip Express. We totally forgot about one of our favorite singers birthdays. Still we did send Kate Nash some belated gifts, which she appeared to be quite delighted with ! Wicked!

Harry Potter Help Line Set Up!

Books, HArry Potter, Harry Potter An dThe Deathly Hallows, harry potter counseling line, HArry Potter World Exclusive, Humour, JK Rowling, John McEnroe, Literature, Media, Muggles, News, Popular Culture, Teen, UK Media, UK NEWS HEADLINES, UK weather forcast, War On Terror, World News

A national children’s helpline says it’s ready to deal with calls from Potter fans who may feel emotionally traumatised after the final book in the series is published. Childline took a large volume of calls from teens who were upset when Take That split in 1996 and say a similar reaction may occur with the end of the Potter books.

It said “the death of any of the major characters in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows could be very hard on younger readers.” Dearie me, are we so emotionally retarded that we need counseling for fictional characters now ? Has the world gone completely mad ? Can they really be serious ?

Personally I was gutted when Sirius Black was killed off …sniffle.. DEAL WITH IT …ITS NOT REAL !

Daily Mail Ready To Attack Ken Livingstone (Again)

Boris Johnson, Buffoon, Communisim, Daily Mail, David Cameron, Humour, Ken Livingstone, London, London Mayor, Middle East, News, Politics, Popular Culture, Terrorisim, Tory, UK Media, UK NEWS HEADLINES, Uncategorized, War On Terror, World News

Yup the Dail Mail announced it will back Boris Johnson in the London Mayoral election if he wins the Tory nomination , so watch out for attacks on Ken Livingstone and his” loony left Cuban loving cronies”. Possibly along the lines of “Vote For Ken And He’ll Corrupt Your Children With Books Such As ….

” This of course will lead to Daily Mail readers cowering in the corners mumbling “I always new Red Ken was a bad lot, what we need is Homeland Security”

Row Over Russian Expulsions Set To Rumble On

Alex Ferguson, Alexander Litvinenko, Chelsea, Diplomatic row, Extradition, Football, Humour, Manchester, Manchester United, Popular Culture, Posion, Premier League, Roman Abramovich, Russia, Russia Expulsions, Soccer, UK NEWS HEADLINES, Uncategorized, World News

As everybody  outside of Stamford Bridge asks the question…….

David Cameron Insists Boris “A Serious Contender For London Mayors Job”

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David Cameron has insisted that  twice sacked  Boris Johnson was not a last resort as they sought a high profile candidate to challenge Ken Livinsgtone in next years Mayoral elections. “Boris is very serious about his candidature  and if selected would be a genuine contender for the post” said Cameron, keeping a remarkably straight face . Meanwhile at another photo call, Boris showed off his latest idea for environmentally friendly travel around the capital…..

Boris Johnson Insists He Will Be A “Credible” Candidate For London

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The Tories had been struggling to find a high-profile candidate to take on Ken Livingstone in the London Mayor elections. Greg Dyke, Sir John Major and Sir Digby Jones were not persuaded to stand. The Conservatives were forced to delay the deadline for applications amid reports that no candidates of sufficient prominence had put themselves forward…until today………..at last they have a credible candidate….Ta-Dah,… I give you… Boris  Yeltsin Johnson

Later that day……….Boris tries to win over potential voters by visiting a local mosque

Daily Mail Crank Up Anti-Gordon Brown Campaign

Anti-Gordon Brown, Business news, Capitalisim, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Discrimination, Gordon Brown, Humour, Jade Goody, Politics, Popular Culture, Press, Prime Minister, propaganda, Racist, Spin Doctor, UK Media, UK NEWS HEADLINES, Uncategorized, World News

This is really a response to a headline which I’d spotted in the Daily Express entitled “The Madness Of Gordon Brown”. ,(The Mail And The Express are renowned for their unhysterical and reasonable journalism,) in which it claimed Big Gordo wants all our kids to learn Urdu and all school uniforms will be replaced by berkas. He also plans to remove the word “Great” from Great Britain, prescribe free garlic for the under fives and is apparently planning an amnesty on sausages before a total ban. All the tabloids are fairly ludicrous but the Mail pips it for me with their ridiculous rants and po-faced missives on of the “culture of fear ” promoting paranoia on a daily basis, a world in which  around every corner there is a terrorist/asylum seeker or hoodie waiting to pounce. The poor journalists must be shitting themselves.  The paper really has gone beyond self parody, it’s everyman for himself and trust nobody ….Theres nothing like well balanced journalism and this is ,well…., nothing like it .

Channel 4 News Say Criticism Unjustified

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Channel 4 have refuted allegations that they have dumbed down their news coverage of late

Beckham Mania Reaches Fever Pitch

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David Beckhams arrival in America provokes scenes not seen in the US since “Beatlemania” ,………….. or possibly not

Manchester Angry At Super Casino Rethink

Business news, Capitalisim, gambling, Gordon Brown, Greed, Humour, Manchester, Money, Politics, Popular Culture, Prime Minister, Regeneration, Super Casino, UK NEWS HEADLINES, World News

Manchester gets a clear message from Brown about the perils of gambling, and about their chances of getting the proposed super casino

The Crazy World Of Kate Nash

Burberry, Chav, Chavtronic, Foundations, Girl Power, Kate Nash, Music, Pop, Pop Music, Popular Culture, Uncategorized

After a recent photo shoot Kate Nash’s management deny they are pushing the “chavtronic” image too hard . (Nice car though-bet she can’t wait to get “innit”)

Nb/ Just to be clear , as I get the odd message off idiots. This is a joke, yeah? Iam in reality a big fan of Ms Nash’s music Ok ? Seriously she’s fantastic, so lighten up… respect, innit, wicked!

Astronomers claim galaxy record

Astronomy, Climate Change, News, Photoshopping, Popular Culture, Space, UK NEWS HEADLINES, Uncategorized

Astronomers say they may have detected  some of the earliest galaxies to form in the Universe. They have pictures of what appear to be very faint galaxies from some 13 billion years ago, a mere 500 million years after the Big Bang. 

David Cameron In Policy Shocker

Business news, David Cameron, Gordon Brown, Greed, Humour, Margaret Thatcher, Money, Politics, Popular Culture, Prime Minister, Spin, Spin Doctor

The shock being that he has one , not so shocking was, its a bit shit and a bit like “back to basics ” and when it comes down to it, he hasn’t really decided how it will work . Still hes’s used the “broken down Britain” soundbite quite a bit , although hes not sure about that either.

Anti-Terrorist Police And M15 Under Pressure

Alastair Campbell Diaries, Bin Laden, m15, Middle East, News, Politics, Popular Culture, Prime Minister, Terrorisim, UK NEWS HEADLINES, Uncategorized, War On Terror

Despite the fact that members of the July 21st suicide bomb plot were caught on surveillance photos, Police and M15 failed to follow up their inquiries . This quite rightly has provoked scrutiny of Britains intelligence and surveillance services following the conviction of four the terrorists. An intelligence source suggets that the response from security services has been some what disappointing ………

“All Clear”

Alastair Campbell – The Video Diaries -Found!

Alastair Campbell Diaries, BBC, Brokeback Mountain, Business news, Capitalisim, Discrimination, Gordon Brown, Humour, Movies, News, Politics, Popular Culture, PR, Spin, Spin Doctor, Tony Blair, UK NEWS HEADLINES

Alastair And Tony, the story about a forbidden and secretive relationship between two cowboys and their lives over the years.

The Alastair Campbell Diaries

Alastair Campbell Diaries, Business news, Capitalisim, Gordon Brown, Humour, Margaret Thatcher, Middle East, Photoshopping, Pop, Popular Culture, Prime Minister, Spin Doctor, Tony Blair

Yup Blairs right arm (?) Alastair Campbell publishes his “warts and all account” of life at No.10 . Promising it to be hard hitting and truthful , one wonders when Mr Campbell became acquainted with the concept of ” truth ?” Excerpts thus far include the following gushing references to Tony Blair (or “TB “as Toxic Ali calls him ) ” His performance today had been superb“and “he did a brilliant put down to the Lib Dems” followed by yet more badly written fawning “TB was good in the use of language and captured the sense of ocassion “ or how about the arse-licking beauty of “TB had definately come out on top-His performance today had been brilliant” zzzzzz.

In possibly the least shocking revelation in the history of the world ..like….EVER, Ali tells us that “TB” once stated “Its important I understood why parts Of Thatcherisim are right” , and ” What gives me a real edge is that I`m not as Labour as you lot. ” GASP!!! WELL I NEVER . That Mr Tony certainly pulled the wool over the eyes of the party membership.Why I always thought he was a dyed in the wool socialist and no mistake?

Campbell goes on to recall, with misty eyed nostalgia the day TB parachuted behind enemy lines and rescued several western hostages disarming their captors using only his ready smile and sincere rhetoric ……Hopefully the book will include a free sick bag!

PS. I’m starting to get the notion that TB actually stand for Total Bollocks

 

Pete Doherty Watch – Kate Moss Hits Back

Anorexia, drugs, Eating Disorders, Fashion, Girl Power, Greed, Humour, Image, indie, Kate Moss, Libertines, Money, News, pete doherty, Pop, Pop Music, Popular Culture, pretty ladies, Sex, Style, Uncategorized

Meanwhile just beyond the enchanted forest , things are hotting up in la-la land……………………..

Kate Moss has denied that supermodels promote anorexia with their ridiculously stick thin bodies. “I eat a normal healthy diet” said Kate yesterday .“Most models do actually you know? Breakfast consists of two rounds of toast which I generously waft under my nose, before putting them in the recycling bin…. I recycle all my food one way or another . Lunch is normally at Sadie’s (Frost) where she prepares me a delicious grape, an ecstasy tablet and some laxatives . My main meal which I share with my boyfriend and modern day poet Peter (If he’s managed to avoid the Police ) consists of a take- away meal ,which smells lovely and gets my digestive juices burning off those nasty calories. I very much enjoy watching Peter eat, the way he drools and dribbles is just adorable!…. Are you telling me that’s not healthy ?” Disturbingly at this point Kate’s eyes glazed over and she started to chant in an unnaturally high sing-sing voice “Being thin is the most important thing in life; Thin is beautiful and good / obese is ugly and bad; You must feel very guilty every time you eat”

Gordon Brown Rejects “Style Over Content” Politics

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New Prime Minister Gordon “Call Me Gordy” Brown has vowed to do away with the politics of celebrity much loved by Tony Blair . “I’m here to serve and to be an ambassador for this country. I do not believe in Policticians becoming celebrities.” However despite this claim , spin doctors have attempted to “modernise” Gordo’s image as many Labour supporters remember Michael Foot and his “Duffle Coat of Shame”.

Gordo was initially resistant to a “trendification” of his image , but reluctantly accepted that in the media age , presentation unfortunately plays a major part in modern politics. He agreed to a slightly new look , which he unveiled yesterday whilst visiting a home for spastics.

The Spice Girls Reunion And The Pursuit Of Wealth

Girl Groups, Girl Power, Greed, Humour, Money, Music, News, Politics, Pop Music, Popular Culture, Sex, Slaves, spice girls, Spice Girls reunion, UK Media, UK NEWS HEADLINES, Uncategorized

It still smells as sh*t today as it always has

 

The Spice Girls reunion is something I hoped would fall flat on its face. They really do represent all that is wrong with the pop world (and also to a degree what is wrong with this corporate money grabbing modern world). They are the empty product of Simon Fuller a man who sees music not as an art form but as a cash cow. I mean how much money do these talentless air-heads need , their greed is just obscene. (tickets price at £200-£325-00, jesus!)

The irritating and bubble headed Posh Spice ,using one of her trademark vacuous soundbites, said of the currently planned world tour ” I`ll be leaving David at home to look after the kids -that’s real Girl Power!” Erm no it isn’t love , you’ll be leaving the kids with yet another nanny in the pursuit of money you don’t need and acclamation you won’t get. This is about YOU not them, theres nothing to be proud about abandoning your kids for a few months. Parenthood is a great responsibility that should fall on both parents, not the hired help . To be honest the kids probably won’t notice the difference as this couple appear to spend most of their time jetting around the world promoting their “brand”. Bizarrely this is a couple that were once dubbed “Celebrity parents of the year”.(WHY ???…..aha, cos it enables a celebrity magazine to plaster them all over their front cover and boost circulation no doubt?)

Is starving yourself into a twiglet and plonking on two surgically enhanced orbs onto your chest “Girl Power” too ? Passing your kids from one child minder to another, changing their schools and countrys as often as most five year olds change their socks is “Girl Power” is it ? Or maybe “Girl Power” is just a phrase thought up by marketing men shamelessly bandied about to attract young fans ? You can see examples of real “Girl Power” in everyday life (think nurses, think doctors, think mums, think women making it on their own terms in male dominated environments) but the Spice Girls are pretty much the complete opposite of the reality of this concept . Industry meat puppets , who’ll say and do anything in their avaristic pursuit of wealth.

So Posh when you return from your world tour some advice , check Davids phone eh ? Remember what happened last time he was left alone ? I hear he enjoys a bit of “textual healing”.Girl Power ? Don’t think so .

Money talks but it cant sing and dance …and neither can the Spice Girls

In sharp contrast to the mind numbing greed of the Spice Girls I came across this article , it really should make people stop and think ,what are our priorities in this idiotic society in which we live ?

http://ihscslnews.org/view_article.php?id=172

Shameful

UK smoking ban takes effect 1/07/2007

Beckham, Capitalisim, Girl Groups, Girl Power, Greed, Humour, Image, Music, News, Politics, Pop, Pop Music, Popular Culture, Posh Spice, PR, pretty ladies, Sex, smoking ban, spice girls, Spin, Style, UK Media, UK NEWS HEADLINES

Foul smelling , manufactured to hook youngsters, toxic , full of shite, a total waste of money, a product of faceless corporations designed at maximising profits ? Yes The Spice Girls are back !

Well I`ll tell you what I want what I really really want ?

I want you all to F**k Off

Pete Doherty Watch

Capitalisim, Chav, Christmas, drugs, Eating Disorders, Fashion, Greed, Humour, Image, indie, Kate Moss, Kerry Katona, Libertines, News, pete doherty, Politics, Pop, Pop Music, Popular Culture, TV, UK Media, Uncategorized

June 2007 – With 181 shopping days left to Christmas the high street retailers are already preparing their seasonal campaigns ……The “Iceland ” food chain unveil Kerry Katona’s new partner for a series of traditional festive ads to be broadcast from November 2007

Interesting Facts About Gordon Brown

Gordon Brown, Humour, James Brown, Politics, Popular Culture, Prime Minister, Tony Blair, Uncategorized

Well , Gordon’s first name is actually James http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gordon_Brown

and lets face it anybody who picks the name Gordon over James , is probably not going to end up the godfather of soul . Still the fact remains, for all Tony Blairs pretensions and groovy declarations of his love of Rock and Pop Music (like an embarrassingly trendy geography teacher), it’s ironic that it’s his rather straight -laced arch enemy and new PM who has the truly legendary rock n roll name . Ladies and Gents I give you …………….James Gordon Brown, “God Father Of Microeconomic Policies”

“Tony, I’m ready to get up and do my thing (no chance !)
I wanna get into No.10, man, you know (I’m not letting you !)

Get up, (get on up)
Get up, (Interest rates up?)

And then, shake your money maker,
Just like Kenneth Baker,
Shake your money maker, Tax And Spend

Right On ! “

To be honest I prefer my politicians straight-laced , I mean who would want a tit like Bono running a country ?

McCartney – “Peg-Leg Stalker”

beatles, Heather Mills Joke, Humour, McCartney, Music, Pop Music, Popular Culture, Sir Paul McCartney, The Beatles, Uncategorized

Why that sly deranged old dog appears to have struck lucky in his exclusive private suite at his very own “Jet” hotel in Liverpool ,(Ok so it’s not quite as grand as “The John Lennon Airport” but slightly better than the “Ringo Starr Kebab House” in Prescot Road, but you can see what he’s trying to do, can’t you ? Not that he’s bitter you understand) but whose the lucky lady , or indeed pirate ?

Cometh The Hour Cometh The Man, Cometh the Policies ? Erm No!

Humour, Politics, Popular Culture, Uncategorized

So Gordo’s first coup , Quentin Davies a Tory Mp for some 19 years has had enough of the bland leading the blind and he’s only gone and jumped ship to Labour ! In his letter to David Cameron, Big Quent writes;

“Under your leadership the Conservative party appears to me to have ceased collectively to believe in anything, or to stand for anything.”It has no bedrock. It exists on shifting sands. A sense of mission has been replaced by a PR agenda.”

David Camerons policy on defecting Mps has yet to be finalised . Which is no surprise….

Tony Blair Middle East Peace Envoy

Bin Laden, Humour, indie, Middle East, Politics, Popular Culture, Prime Minister, Tony Blair

Peace Envoy ? I know he thinks he’s a player on the international stage but “peace” envoy ?

All he seems to have done in the Middle East is cause chaos and misery ? Ask your self this ….is the world a safer place because of Blair and Bush’s actions in the middle east ?

Tony Blair – International Man Of Misery

Goodbye Tony Blair

Capitalisim, Humour, indie, Margaret Thatcher, Middle East, Politics, Pop Music, Popular Culture, Prime Minister, Tony Blair, Uncategorized

The legacy ??

“Nothing’s changed for all the death that their ideas created
It’s just the same fascistic games, but the rules aren’t clearly stated
Nothing’s really different cos all government’s the same
They can call it freedom, but slavery’s the game”

And now he’s been given the role of Middle Eastern Peace keeper ??? Odd that somebody who has bombed the shit out of parts of the middle east has been given the role of “peace keeper . It’s rather like asking Flavor Flav , Chuck D , Professor Griff and Terminator X to perform at a Bar Mitzvah

And Hello Golden Gordon Brown

“Gordon Brown texture like sun
Even though Fiscal policies ain’t fun
Throughout the night
Get Taxation right
Never a frown with Gordon Brown”

McCartney – “Peg Leg Stalker” !

beatles, Fashion, Girl Groups, Gwenno, Gwenno Saunders, Heather Mills Joke, Humour, Image, Kate Moss, Libertines, McCartney, pete doherty, Politics, Pop Music, Popular Culture, Sir Paul McCartney, Style, The Beatles, Uncategorized

TWO LEGS BAD!.

The combination of another oddly angled photo and an optical illusion (this time of Welsh songstress and member of the Pipettes, Gwenno ), gives the deranged Sir Paul yet more false hope

IF ANY ONE CAN MACCA CAN

Oh Lordy and when sir Paul hears of another “legless” celeb , he has a novel way of trying to pick ’em up. Well hes nothing if not persistant…gotta love the old fool