John Prescott Admits “I Ate All the Pies”

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John Prescott admitted for the first time that he suffered from Bulimia for 20 years : “What I did was stuff my face with anything around, any old rubbish — burgers, chocolate, crisps, fish and chips, Labour Party policy,  loads of it, till I felt sick. But at least I’d had the pleasure of stuffing my face and feeling really full. Then there would be a weird kind of pleasure in vomiting over Tony Blair and feeling relieved.”
Friends say they are stunned. Neighbour Eric Marmasat said yesterday “ We are shocked that John has been suffering from an eating disorder, he was always a greedy b*stard, I`ll grant you, but we had no idea it was this bad, even the time a few years back when he ran across a farmers field once roaring “I MUST HAVE THE BACON !”   and  tried to eat a live pig we thought that was just John being John”

However as our  exclusive photos show  there may have been small tell tale  signs in the past which could provide some evidence of an unhealthy attitude to food.

Labours Green Policies Slammed

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The Independent call it “The Great Green Betrayal” . But are we surprised that Gordon Brown isn’t green ? He doesn’t do colours really does he ? He ditched red for blue, and now like John Major seems quite content with various shades of grey. He’s hardly the Jolly Green Giant, more the Dour Grey Ditherer. Why on earth he invited that mad old shrew, Thatcher, to Downing Street last year I’ll never know. What advice could  she give him “ The Climates Not For Changing? “ . The only woman who’d keep pushing a door until the end of time that says “Pull” whilst growling “This ladies not for turning!!”  Some call it conviction politics, I call it mad as a bleeding hatter!”

I’m The Prime Minister….Get Me Out Of Here !

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So it transpires that Gordon Brown sought to appoint GMTV’s Fiona Phillips to a ministerial post (story here ), as he sees her as a “great communicator”.Brown is obviously taken with Phillips hard hitting interview style, and ability to get the big names on the GMTV couch, it’s believed the next stellar name she will be interviewing is Christopher Biggins. Phillips promises a “full and frank, no holds barred ” discussion in which she promises to reveal all about the seedy side of Panto, and ask the questions only she dare ask …for example, does he find cries of “behind you” during Panto, slightly homophobic? She also alludes to the fact that Biggins is to reveal how his dyslexia almost led to him losing his most famous role, that of Widow Twanky, and he could also openly discuss the shockingly true nature of his sexuality. Despite Ms Phillips turning down Gordos offer the VP Express can exclusively reveal that the Prime Minister has not given up hope of attracting a Celeb in order to curry favour with the voters. We can in fact reveal that Gordon is indeed much impressed by another lady currently appearing on TV. A lady whose diplomacy, and straight talking is legendary,she may be a little “off the wall” but Brown can see that her no nonsense approach is something the public have responded too and he is keen to cash in and ride the populist wave, rather like a fat sour faced  Scottish David Hasslehoff, with thread veins and a face hewn from lumpy dough.

If You Believe David Cameron…..

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….he appears to think he is setting the political agenda, yes  he is pulling the strings and Gordon is dancing to his tune…..(that’s if you believe David Cameron….) Frightening really, that the Jeremy Kyle of Parliament is becoming rather more popular than he was some six weeks back

He also seems to think that all the best policy decisions made by any political party over the last 40 years have been his and his alone….. hmmmmm…mind you his family album shows Davey boy has always been one step ahead of the game…

The Dignity Of Parliament

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Yes, there’s nothing like well reasoned argument, mutual respect, and good manners , and yesterday in the House of Commons was nothing like it. Brown referred to the whole ill tempered episode as “Punch And Judy Politics” . If he’d have been “down with the kids, daddio” like Facebook loving Davey Cameron, he might have referred to it as Jeremy Kyle politics……

Come On Prime Minister, you are not the biological father of the inheritance tax policy are you ? We’ll have the results of the lie detector test after the break,”

So with a “yah, a boo” and dare I venture a “hiss” I submit…….is that really the way to do it ??

Listen to highlights of the most intellectual parliamentary exchange in years below

The Tate Modern’s Latest Installation -Is It Art ?

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The Tate Modern’s latest installation a variation on Doris Salcedo’s brilliant “Shibboleth” ( affectionately known as ” Doris’s crack” ), truly shows that art really does mirror life….

“Gordon’s Cracking” on display at least until the next general election

Cameron Denies Making Up Story About Unruly Schoolboy

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David Cameron has been charged with fabricating a story about an unruly schoolboy for political gain, see original story here . Cameron denies his story was a complete work of fiction dreamt up by the Tory spin machine……..reports that Richmal Crompton’s estate are to sue have yet to be confirmed

Brown Meets Bush

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When GB from …erm G.B. met GB (I’m confused already )…..Who on earth said George W was a big kid with the keys to the worlds biggest sweetshop? The man oozes dignity , style and class, as demonstrated by his favorite mode of transport which befits the leader of the worlds most powerful country.

“Voters Turning Against Cameron?”

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David Cameron is losing his appeal to voters, according to a recent Guardian/ICM poll which suggests that many Conservative voters are losing their enthusiasm for the Tory leader. It also shows that he is no longer attracting new support to the party.

He just cant compete with the “Brown Bounce” factor , but what on God’s green earth is “Brown Bounce ?” ..Let me attempt to explain…..

Boris Johnson Insists He Will Be A “Credible” Candidate For London

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The Tories had been struggling to find a high-profile candidate to take on Ken Livingstone in the London Mayor elections. Greg Dyke, Sir John Major and Sir Digby Jones were not persuaded to stand. The Conservatives were forced to delay the deadline for applications amid reports that no candidates of sufficient prominence had put themselves forward…until today………..at last they have a credible candidate….Ta-Dah,… I give you… Boris  Yeltsin Johnson

Later that day……….Boris tries to win over potential voters by visiting a local mosque

Daily Mail Crank Up Anti-Gordon Brown Campaign

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This is really a response to a headline which I’d spotted in the Daily Express entitled “The Madness Of Gordon Brown”. ,(The Mail And The Express are renowned for their unhysterical and reasonable journalism,) in which it claimed Big Gordo wants all our kids to learn Urdu and all school uniforms will be replaced by berkas. He also plans to remove the word “Great” from Great Britain, prescribe free garlic for the under fives and is apparently planning an amnesty on sausages before a total ban. All the tabloids are fairly ludicrous but the Mail pips it for me with their ridiculous rants and po-faced missives on of the “culture of fear ” promoting paranoia on a daily basis, a world in which  around every corner there is a terrorist/asylum seeker or hoodie waiting to pounce. The poor journalists must be shitting themselves.  The paper really has gone beyond self parody, it’s everyman for himself and trust nobody ….Theres nothing like well balanced journalism and this is ,well…., nothing like it .

Manchester Angry At Super Casino Rethink

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Manchester gets a clear message from Brown about the perils of gambling, and about their chances of getting the proposed super casino

David Cameron In Policy Shocker

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The shock being that he has one , not so shocking was, its a bit shit and a bit like “back to basics ” and when it comes down to it, he hasn’t really decided how it will work . Still hes’s used the “broken down Britain” soundbite quite a bit , although hes not sure about that either.

Alastair Campbell – The Video Diaries -Found!

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Alastair And Tony, the story about a forbidden and secretive relationship between two cowboys and their lives over the years.

The Alastair Campbell Diaries

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Yup Blairs right arm (?) Alastair Campbell publishes his “warts and all account” of life at No.10 . Promising it to be hard hitting and truthful , one wonders when Mr Campbell became acquainted with the concept of ” truth ?” Excerpts thus far include the following gushing references to Tony Blair (or “TB “as Toxic Ali calls him ) ” His performance today had been superb“and “he did a brilliant put down to the Lib Dems” followed by yet more badly written fawning “TB was good in the use of language and captured the sense of ocassion “ or how about the arse-licking beauty of “TB had definately come out on top-His performance today had been brilliant” zzzzzz.

In possibly the least shocking revelation in the history of the world ..like….EVER, Ali tells us that “TB” once stated “Its important I understood why parts Of Thatcherisim are right” , and ” What gives me a real edge is that I`m not as Labour as you lot. ” GASP!!! WELL I NEVER . That Mr Tony certainly pulled the wool over the eyes of the party membership.Why I always thought he was a dyed in the wool socialist and no mistake?

Campbell goes on to recall, with misty eyed nostalgia the day TB parachuted behind enemy lines and rescued several western hostages disarming their captors using only his ready smile and sincere rhetoric ……Hopefully the book will include a free sick bag!

PS. I’m starting to get the notion that TB actually stand for Total Bollocks

 

Gordon Brown Rejects “Style Over Content” Politics

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New Prime Minister Gordon “Call Me Gordy” Brown has vowed to do away with the politics of celebrity much loved by Tony Blair . “I’m here to serve and to be an ambassador for this country. I do not believe in Policticians becoming celebrities.” However despite this claim , spin doctors have attempted to “modernise” Gordo’s image as many Labour supporters remember Michael Foot and his “Duffle Coat of Shame”.

Gordo was initially resistant to a “trendification” of his image , but reluctantly accepted that in the media age , presentation unfortunately plays a major part in modern politics. He agreed to a slightly new look , which he unveiled yesterday whilst visiting a home for spastics.

Interesting Facts About Gordon Brown

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Well , Gordon’s first name is actually James http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gordon_Brown

and lets face it anybody who picks the name Gordon over James , is probably not going to end up the godfather of soul . Still the fact remains, for all Tony Blairs pretensions and groovy declarations of his love of Rock and Pop Music (like an embarrassingly trendy geography teacher), it’s ironic that it’s his rather straight -laced arch enemy and new PM who has the truly legendary rock n roll name . Ladies and Gents I give you …………….James Gordon Brown, “God Father Of Microeconomic Policies”

“Tony, I’m ready to get up and do my thing (no chance !)
I wanna get into No.10, man, you know (I’m not letting you !)

Get up, (get on up)
Get up, (Interest rates up?)

And then, shake your money maker,
Just like Kenneth Baker,
Shake your money maker, Tax And Spend

Right On ! “

To be honest I prefer my politicians straight-laced , I mean who would want a tit like Bono running a country ?