John Prescott Admits “I Ate All the Pies”

John Prescott admitted for the first time that he suffered from Bulimia for 20 years : “What I did was stuff my face with anything around, any old rubbish — burgers, chocolate, crisps, fish and chips, Labour Party policy,  loads of it, till I felt sick. But at least I’d had the pleasure of stuffing my face and feeling really full. Then there would be a weird kind of pleasure in vomiting over Tony Blair and feeling relieved.”
Friends say they are stunned. Neighbour Eric Marmasat said yesterday “ We are shocked that John has been suffering from an eating disorder, he was always a greedy b*stard, I`ll grant you, but we had no idea it was this bad, even the time a few years back when he ran across a farmers field once roaring “I MUST HAVE THE BACON !”   and  tried to eat a live pig we thought that was just John being John”

However as our  exclusive photos show  there may have been small tell tale  signs in the past which could provide some evidence of an unhealthy attitude to food.

Charlton Heston Dead

Holy Moses ! Finally !

He’ll be going somewhere a little hot me thinks (Story)

UPDATE:

On Tuesday evening we can reveal that Charlton Heston rather hopefully showed up at the pearly gates, assault rifle jauntily slung over his shoulder, as he prepared to meet his maker.  He was greeted at “Heavens Gate” by Saint Peter who had assumed the form of Cornelius from the Planet Of The Apes movies. We can also exclusively divulge that Charlton said unto Peter

“Oh lordy, if I’d have known that you were an ape, I would never have made that movie”,

and Peter replied “If you also knew that 80% of the people here are victims of gun violence, would you still have been the president of the NRA? Come along now Charlton please, give me the gun “

“From my Cold Dead Hands” mumbles a cantankerous old Charlton

Our souce in heaven tells us that Saint Peter smiled and gently tried to take the gun from Charlton’s stiffened gnarled old fingers, which were indeed cold and dead,  and were suffering from the advanced stages of rigor mortis, resembling an arthritic pigeons hideously deformed feet.

Alas Charlton was displeased

“Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!” he roared, thus ensuring a booking for all eternity at “The Ninth Circle” Lodge in the exclusive ” Judecca Suite,” right next to Judas Iscariot.

“Elevator going DOWN! “