It’s A Jungle Out There

They may well be publicity seeking, camera hogging, two faced, back stabbing drama Queens , but these people really do need your vote…..

Please validate their existence and vote

I’m The Prime Minister….Get Me Out Of Here !

So it transpires that Gordon Brown sought to appoint GMTV’s Fiona Phillips to a ministerial post (story here ), as he sees her as a “great communicator”.Brown is obviously taken with Phillips hard hitting interview style, and ability to get the big names on the GMTV couch, it’s believed the next stellar name she will be interviewing is Christopher Biggins. Phillips promises a “full and frank, no holds barred ” discussion in which she promises to reveal all about the seedy side of Panto, and ask the questions only she dare ask …for example, does he find cries of “behind you” during Panto, slightly homophobic? She also alludes to the fact that Biggins is to reveal how his dyslexia almost led to him losing his most famous role, that of Widow Twanky, and he could also openly discuss the shockingly true nature of his sexuality. Despite Ms Phillips turning down Gordos offer the VP Express can exclusively reveal that the Prime Minister has not given up hope of attracting a Celeb in order to curry favour with the voters. We can in fact reveal that Gordon is indeed much impressed by another lady currently appearing on TV. A lady whose diplomacy, and straight talking is legendary,she may be a little “off the wall” but Brown can see that her no nonsense approach is something the public have responded too and he is keen to cash in and ride the populist wave, rather like a fat sour faced  Scottish David Hasslehoff, with thread veins and a face hewn from lumpy dough.

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Jill Dando Shooting-Barry George Conviction “Unsafe”

The Court of Appeal ruled in favour of Barry George, 47, in his second attempt to overturn his conviction for the murder of BBC presenter Jill Dando, 37, who was shot dead on the steps of her west London home in April 1999.

“The verdict is unsafe. The conviction will be quashed,” said presiding judge Nicholas Phillips. George was remanded in custody, as no application was made for bail.

One wonders, if found innocent, who the police will fit -up investigate next? Another fantasist? A Freddie Mercury-o-gram ? Or maybe somebody with mental health problems ? Easy-peasy eh, its not about truth is it? it’s about being seen to get the right man, even if they are the wrong man…… just ask Gerard Hunter, Richard McIlkenny, Paddy Hill, Stephan Kisko or even Derek Bentley ( Ah, alas, too late!)

UPDATE: I posted this in November 2007, today 1/08/2008, Barry George is finally a free man. Read the story here.

Don’t'cha just love British Justice eh ? “Best in the world” as Ruth Ellis used to say!

The Poetry Of Boris Johnson

Well the nations favourite bumbling, cretinous, interbred albino buffoon has decided that, not content with standing as candidate for London mayor, what we really need is a dose of Bo-Jo’s Wildean wit and stunningly clever verse. Yes his remarkable book which concerns a fictional family who refuse to let their children watch TV is certainly something that has left me quite astonished …… he certainly proves that when it comes to “rhyming and stealing” Jay-Z has nothing to worry about. More inane rhymes I venture, have not been published since….well …since the dawn of time, Johnson remarkably makes me yearn for the unbearable gibberish of the highly irritating Dr Zeuss. In fact I thought Welsh Football coach and ex-Liverpool player John Toshack’s Dylan Thomas-esque book of verse “Gosh It’s Tosh” would take some beating :-“Coming in to land at Speke/My legs are feeling very weak/We’ve just returned from Barcelona/and now I’m going for a sauna.” But this is akin to WB Yeats compared to Boris’ efforts, check out these nuggets and tell me that Bozza’s time studying the classics wasn’t money well spent

“He’d zap the programme off and holler/’Go and read some Emile Zola.” - Profound in the extreme – I wager Zola would have saved the French government a job and actually blocked his own chimney to breathe in that sweet carbon monoxide if he’d have known he would have been name-checked within such facile tommy rot. But wait Boris has more gems for the discerning reader

“Behold them, reader, and despair:their lolling eyes, their glassy stare,

this formerly dynamic pair-In a double-seat wheelchair.” (WTF!!!!)

Despair indeed , and this from a man who was once “Tory Arts Champion” and stated in 2004 that he wished “to reverse the decline of verse” ….Yes the Boris Johnson “Make Poetry History” campaign has got off to a flyer!

Are David Cameron And Jeremy Kyle The Same Person ?

Well I’ve never seen them together, they have the same finger jabbing pomposity , the same narcissistic desire to be taken seriously and both shout for no good reason as they implore people to “Look me in the eye, come on, look me in the eye , do you really hand on heart expect, me and the great British public, to believe that you didn’t have sex with the neighbours Alsatian whilst high on “Domestos” /implement this stealth tax*, Wayne/ Chelsea Lou /Prime Minister? *“…………. I really can’t tell them apart these days

(*delete which is applicable)

Jeremy Kyle, yesterday

David Cameron wins out, jabbing a finger  at  bumbling Gordon, in Parliament yesterday

If You Believe David Cameron…..

….he appears to think he is setting the political agenda, yes  he is pulling the strings and Gordon is dancing to his tune…..(that’s if you believe David Cameron….) Frightening really, that the Jeremy Kyle of Parliament is becoming rather more popular than he was some six weeks back

He also seems to think that all the best policy decisions made by any political party over the last 40 years have been his and his alone….. hmmmmm…mind you his family album shows Davey boy has always been one step ahead of the game…

Kanye West And Paul McCartney…….

Hear a sneak preview of the Kanye/ Sir Paul collaboration below

Yes misogynist middle class “home boy” Kanye West and the frog loving legend who solved racial tensions by comparing the question of multiculturalism to a piano keyboard, Sir Paul Mc Cartney are set to release a duet. Said Sir Paul, giving his cringe worthy trade mark “peace” sign ; “I respect Kanye’s refreshingly modern attitude towards women, I believe he calls them Bitchz and I am very much “down” with that expression, baby”. Sir Paul denies the record is a dig at his ex wife Heather, who was recently seen on TV wild eyed, extracting the stuffing from the GMTV sofa with her teeth, claiming it had been bugged, she also stated that every one in the world, ever is against her. In a revealing interview to a remarkably straight faced Fiona Phillips, Ms Mills McCartney explained that Princess Diana is in fact her spirit guide and she has taped evidence that Diana’s crash was no accident in the Parisian tunnel that fateful night. Ms Mills-McCartney states she can prove beyond doubt that it was in fact an amphibious yellow submarine that caused the accident. She claims the sub, expertly manned by Ringo Starr was carrying out evil Sir Paul’s sick and twisted instructions on pain of death. “Is it a coincidence that Linda, John And George are dead??… and what of Brian Epstein, Brian Jones Keith Moon …and JFK ? “.. she rambled …… The VP Express is not one to judge peoples sanity and has nothing more to add to these grave accusations other than “I am the walrus- coo coo ca choo, ca coo coo ca choo ” Ahem!

Hip- Hop ??