Bush & Brown Pledge Countries Will “Be There” For Each Other

But will the relationship still be as special as “The George And Tony Love-In “?

Brown Meets Bush

When GB from …erm G.B. met GB (I’m confused already )…..Who on earth said George W was a big kid with the keys to the worlds biggest sweetshop? The man oozes dignity , style and class, as demonstrated by his favorite mode of transport which befits the leader of the worlds most powerful country.

I-Phones Boost Apple

Apple has made strong three-month profits, helped by Mac and iPhone sales, even though the phones were only available for two days of the quarter. Coupled with the phenominal success  of the I-pod, Steve Jobs has declared that his  aim now is to take over the world and enslave mankind. Said Jobs , yesterday ” Sometimes you don’t need an Army to expand your Empire “

Under Fire Cameron Defends Rwandan Trip

David Cameron has defended his visit to Rwanda despite many voters and parliamentarians criticising him for not cancelling due to the severe flooding in his constituency. This trip also coincided with a number of newspapers turning a critical eye on Mps travel expenses . The Daily Wail says the total paid out to cover travel,and other costs rose by an above-inflation 5.5%. Of course Mr Cameron, would never fiddle his expenses or demand first class travel and five star accommodation, would he?

“Voters Turning Against Cameron?”

David Cameron is losing his appeal to voters, according to a recent Guardian/ICM poll which suggests that many Conservative voters are losing their enthusiasm for the Tory leader. It also shows that he is no longer attracting new support to the party.

He just cant compete with the “Brown Bounce” factor , but what on God’s green earth is “Brown Bounce ?” ..Let me attempt to explain…..

Lindsay Lohan Arrested Again

Troubled star Lindsay Lohan has been arrested again on suspicion of driving under the influence. Less than two weeks out of rehab, with another drunken-driving case pending, Lohan had a blood-alcohol level of between 0.12 and 0.13 percent when police found her about 1:30 a.m. Sgt. Shane Talbot said that Lohan stated that she wasn’t actually driving the car and that it had a mind of its own. Ms Lohan also claimed the car answered to the name “Herbie”. “To be honest I think she’d been smoking the old herbie herself , if you catch my drift ” added Sgt Talbot. Twenty year old Lohan is now believed to be back in rehab.

Heavy Rain And Floods Hit Gloucestershire

More than 48,000 homes had power restored in Gloucestershire as waters finally receded. Emergency services where said to have been at “breaking point”. Trying to get a doctor was a nightmare ! 

Floods Are “Judgment On Society” Says Bishop

The clearly insane Rt Rev Graham Dow, Bishop of Carlisle, argued that the recent floods in the UK are not just a result of a lack of respect for the planet, but also a judgment on society’s moral decadence.”We are in serious moral trouble because every type of lifestyle is now regarded as legitimate,” he said.

Our government has been playing the role of God in saying that people are free to act as they want,” he said, adding that the introduction of recent pro-gay laws highlighted its determination to undermine marriage.

“God’s Moral Judgement ? “

The Crazy World Of Kate Nash-Belated Birthday Greetings

Well we have been somewhat remiss here at The Von Pip Express. We totally forgot about one of our favorite singers birthdays. Still we did send Kate Nash some belated gifts, which she appeared to be quite delighted with ! Wicked!

Uk Braces Itself For Yet More Rain

The Environment Agency has issued more flood warnings , as the rain keeps on a-coming

Harry Potter Help Line Set Up!

A national children’s helpline says it’s ready to deal with calls from Potter fans who may feel emotionally traumatised after the final book in the series is published. Childline took a large volume of calls from teens who were upset when Take That split in 1996 and say a similar reaction may occur with the end of the Potter books.

It said “the death of any of the major characters in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows could be very hard on younger readers.” Dearie me, are we so emotionally retarded that we need counseling for fictional characters now ? Has the world gone completely mad ? Can they really be serious ?

Personally I was gutted when Sirius Black was killed off …sniffle.. DEAL WITH IT …ITS NOT REAL !

Harry Potter Mania, Plus New Twist

And still on a literary note ……its almost time for the final installment of the publishing phenomenon that is “Harry Potter ” to be unveiled. However in an unforeseen plot twist , “The Von Pip Express “can reveal exclusively that there may yet be more mileage to be gleaned from the series….

Daily Mail Ready To Attack Ken Livingstone (Again)

Yup the Dail Mail announced it will back Boris Johnson in the London Mayoral election if he wins the Tory nomination , so watch out for attacks on Ken Livingstone and his” loony left Cuban loving cronies”. Possibly along the lines of “Vote For Ken And He’ll Corrupt Your Children With Books Such As ….

” This of course will lead to Daily Mail readers cowering in the corners mumbling “I always new Red Ken was a bad lot, what we need is Homeland Security”

BBC Admits More Mistakes

The BBC pulls all competitions as a fresh batch of faked winners are unearthed in shows such as Children In Need And Comic Relief

BBC Face More Charges Of “Doctoring Footage”

As Boris Johnson accuses the BBC of making him look foolish

Looks fair enough to me !

Russia Warns Response Will Be “Appropriate”

Row Over Russian Expulsions Set To Rumble On

As everybody  outside of Stamford Bridge asks the question…….

David Cameron Insists Boris “A Serious Contender For London Mayors Job”

David Cameron has insisted that  twice sacked  Boris Johnson was not a last resort as they sought a high profile candidate to challenge Ken Livinsgtone in next years Mayoral elections. “Boris is very serious about his candidature  and if selected would be a genuine contender for the post” said Cameron, keeping a remarkably straight face . Meanwhile at another photo call, Boris showed off his latest idea for environmentally friendly travel around the capital…..

Boris Johnson Insists He Will Be A “Credible” Candidate For London

The Tories had been struggling to find a high-profile candidate to take on Ken Livingstone in the London Mayor elections. Greg Dyke, Sir John Major and Sir Digby Jones were not persuaded to stand. The Conservatives were forced to delay the deadline for applications amid reports that no candidates of sufficient prominence had put themselves forward…until today………..at last they have a credible candidate….Ta-Dah,… I give you… Boris  Yeltsin Johnson

Later that day……….Boris tries to win over potential voters by visiting a local mosque

Daily Mail Crank Up Anti-Gordon Brown Campaign

This is really a response to a headline which I’d spotted in the Daily Express entitled “The Madness Of Gordon Brown”. ,(The Mail And The Express are renowned for their unhysterical and reasonable journalism,) in which it claimed Big Gordo wants all our kids to learn Urdu and all school uniforms will be replaced by berkas. He also plans to remove the word “Great” from Great Britain, prescribe free garlic for the under fives and is apparently planning an amnesty on sausages before a total ban. All the tabloids are fairly ludicrous but the Mail pips it for me with their ridiculous rants and po-faced missives on of the “culture of fear ” promoting paranoia on a daily basis, a world in which  around every corner there is a terrorist/asylum seeker or hoodie waiting to pounce. The poor journalists must be shitting themselves.  The paper really has gone beyond self parody, it’s everyman for himself and trust nobody ….Theres nothing like well balanced journalism and this is ,well…., nothing like it .

Channel 4 News Say Criticism Unjustified

Channel 4 have refuted allegations that they have dumbed down their news coverage of late

LA Galaxy Shirts In Demand

David Beckhams arrival as LA Galaxy’s new signing has prompted a huge demand for the new team shirt. The teams new sponsers are said to be humbled yet delighted . David and Victoria’s new bestest friend Tom Cruise said yesterday “Man is an immortal, spiritual being. His experience extends well beyond a single lifetime. His capabilities are unlimited, even if not presently realized — and those capabilities can be realized. He is able to not only solve his own problems, accomplish his goals and gain lasting happiness, but also achieve new, higher states of awareness and ability.” Erm Ok….

Beckham Mania Reaches Fever Pitch

David Beckhams arrival in America provokes scenes not seen in the US since “Beatlemania” ,………….. or possibly not

Manchester Angry At Super Casino Rethink

Manchester gets a clear message from Brown about the perils of gambling, and about their chances of getting the proposed super casino

The Crazy World Of Kate Nash

After a recent photo shoot Kate Nash’s management deny they are pushing the “chavtronic” image too hard . (Nice car though-bet she can’t wait to get “innit”)

Nb/ Just to be clear , as I get the odd message off idiots. This is a joke, yeah? Iam in reality a big fan of Ms Nash’s music Ok ? Seriously she’s fantastic, so lighten up… respect, innit, wicked!

Astronomers claim galaxy record

Astronomers say they may have detected  some of the earliest galaxies to form in the Universe. They have pictures of what appear to be very faint galaxies from some 13 billion years ago, a mere 500 million years after the Big Bang. 

Death penalty for China official

China has sentenced the former head of the State Food and Drug Administration to death after he was convicted of corruption, state media has reported. He had been accused by an official investigation last month of accepting more than 6.5m yuan ($850,000) in bribes to approve hundreds of drugs. Dozens of people have died in China because of poor quality or fake drugs. Government officials deny this will have an effect onexports carrying the tag “Made In China” . “Our Products are still very safe” said a Party member yesterday

David Cameron In Policy Shocker

The shock being that he has one , not so shocking was, its a bit shit and a bit like “back to basics ” and when it comes down to it, he hasn’t really decided how it will work . Still hes’s used the “broken down Britain” soundbite quite a bit , although hes not sure about that either.

Anti-Terrorist Police And M15 Under Pressure

Despite the fact that members of the July 21st suicide bomb plot were caught on surveillance photos, Police and M15 failed to follow up their inquiries . This quite rightly has provoked scrutiny of Britains intelligence and surveillance services following the conviction of four the terrorists. An intelligence source suggets that the response from security services has been some what disappointing ………

“All Clear”

Alastair Campbell – The Video Diaries -Found!

Alastair And Tony, the story about a forbidden and secretive relationship between two cowboys and their lives over the years.

The Alastair Campbell Diaries

Yup Blairs right arm (?) Alastair Campbell publishes his “warts and all account” of life at No.10 . Promising it to be hard hitting and truthful , one wonders when Mr Campbell became acquainted with the concept of ” truth ?” Excerpts thus far include the following gushing references to Tony Blair (or “TB “as Toxic Ali calls him ) ” His performance today had been superb“and “he did a brilliant put down to the Lib Dems” followed by yet more badly written fawning “TB was good in the use of language and captured the sense of ocassion “ or how about the arse-licking beauty of “TB had definately come out on top-His performance today had been brilliant” zzzzzz.

In possibly the least shocking revelation in the history of the world ..like….EVER, Ali tells us that “TB” once stated “Its important I understood why parts Of Thatcherisim are right” , and ” What gives me a real edge is that I`m not as Labour as you lot. ” GASP!!! WELL I NEVER . That Mr Tony certainly pulled the wool over the eyes of the party membership.Why I always thought he was a dyed in the wool socialist and no mistake?

Campbell goes on to recall, with misty eyed nostalgia the day TB parachuted behind enemy lines and rescued several western hostages disarming their captors using only his ready smile and sincere rhetoric ……Hopefully the book will include a free sick bag!

PS. I’m starting to get the notion that TB actually stand for Total Bollocks

 

PM Unveils £14m Flood Aid Package

L’Oreal Found Guilty Of Racial Discrimination

Part of the cosmetics giant L’Oreal has been found guilty of racial discrimination after it sought to exclude non-whites from promoting some of its products. Under the historic ruling — the first time a major company has been found guilty of systematic race discrimination in France — a senior figure at the agency was given a three-month suspended prison sentence. L’Oreal vowed to fight this ruling and C.O. Helena Le Puissance-Blanche said in a press release ” We at L’oreal are flabbergasted at this ruling . Some of my best friends are from Sénégal. I love Moroccan and Tunisian restaurants , and am a huge fan of Patrick Viera, I even own a copy of Whitney Houston’s greatest hits so to say we are racist and discriminatory is wrong as all my homies and bitchez will testify”

Pete Doherty Watch – Kate Moss Hits Back

Meanwhile just beyond the enchanted forest , things are hotting up in la-la land……………………..

Kate Moss has denied that supermodels promote anorexia with their ridiculously stick thin bodies. “I eat a normal healthy diet” said Kate yesterday .“Most models do actually you know? Breakfast consists of two rounds of toast which I generously waft under my nose, before putting them in the recycling bin…. I recycle all my food one way or another . Lunch is normally at Sadie’s (Frost) where she prepares me a delicious grape, an ecstasy tablet and some laxatives . My main meal which I share with my boyfriend and modern day poet Peter (If he’s managed to avoid the Police ) consists of a take- away meal ,which smells lovely and gets my digestive juices burning off those nasty calories. I very much enjoy watching Peter eat, the way he drools and dribbles is just adorable!…. Are you telling me that’s not healthy ?” Disturbingly at this point Kate’s eyes glazed over and she started to chant in an unnaturally high sing-sing voice “Being thin is the most important thing in life; Thin is beautiful and good / obese is ugly and bad; You must feel very guilty every time you eat”

Gordon Brown Rejects “Style Over Content” Politics

New Prime Minister Gordon “Call Me Gordy” Brown has vowed to do away with the politics of celebrity much loved by Tony Blair . “I’m here to serve and to be an ambassador for this country. I do not believe in Policticians becoming celebrities.” However despite this claim , spin doctors have attempted to “modernise” Gordo’s image as many Labour supporters remember Michael Foot and his “Duffle Coat of Shame”.

Gordo was initially resistant to a “trendification” of his image , but reluctantly accepted that in the media age , presentation unfortunately plays a major part in modern politics. He agreed to a slightly new look , which he unveiled yesterday whilst visiting a home for spastics.

The Spice Girls Reunion And The Pursuit Of Wealth

It still smells as sh*t today as it always has

 

The Spice Girls reunion is something I hoped would fall flat on its face. They really do represent all that is wrong with the pop world (and also to a degree what is wrong with this corporate money grabbing modern world). They are the empty product of Simon Fuller a man who sees music not as an art form but as a cash cow. I mean how much money do these talentless air-heads need , their greed is just obscene. (tickets price at £200-£325-00, jesus!)

The irritating and bubble headed Posh Spice ,using one of her trademark vacuous soundbites, said of the currently planned world tour ” I`ll be leaving David at home to look after the kids -that’s real Girl Power!” Erm no it isn’t love , you’ll be leaving the kids with yet another nanny in the pursuit of money you don’t need and acclamation you won’t get. This is about YOU not them, theres nothing to be proud about abandoning your kids for a few months. Parenthood is a great responsibility that should fall on both parents, not the hired help . To be honest the kids probably won’t notice the difference as this couple appear to spend most of their time jetting around the world promoting their “brand”. Bizarrely this is a couple that were once dubbed “Celebrity parents of the year”.(WHY ???…..aha, cos it enables a celebrity magazine to plaster them all over their front cover and boost circulation no doubt?)

Is starving yourself into a twiglet and plonking on two surgically enhanced orbs onto your chest “Girl Power” too ? Passing your kids from one child minder to another, changing their schools and countrys as often as most five year olds change their socks is “Girl Power” is it ? Or maybe “Girl Power” is just a phrase thought up by marketing men shamelessly bandied about to attract young fans ? You can see examples of real “Girl Power” in everyday life (think nurses, think doctors, think mums, think women making it on their own terms in male dominated environments) but the Spice Girls are pretty much the complete opposite of the reality of this concept . Industry meat puppets , who’ll say and do anything in their avaristic pursuit of wealth.

So Posh when you return from your world tour some advice , check Davids phone eh ? Remember what happened last time he was left alone ? I hear he enjoys a bit of “textual healing”.Girl Power ? Don’t think so .

Money talks but it cant sing and dance …and neither can the Spice Girls

In sharp contrast to the mind numbing greed of the Spice Girls I came across this article , it really should make people stop and think ,what are our priorities in this idiotic society in which we live ?

http://ihscslnews.org/view_article.php?id=172

Shameful

UK smoking ban takes effect 1/07/2007

Foul smelling , manufactured to hook youngsters, toxic , full of shite, a total waste of money, a product of faceless corporations designed at maximising profits ? Yes The Spice Girls are back !

Well I`ll tell you what I want what I really really want ?

I want you all to F**k Off