Liam Fox’s Innocent Friendship.

William Hague is right behind you chaps !

Jobs Situation Beyond Critical.

an apple a day …….

UK Riots In Pictures.

As the London  riots escalated, people looked for a hero, for leadership, for …

Click pictures for large versions .

I would very much recommend the two following articles  for further reading.

http://nathanieltapley.com/2011/08/10/an-open-letter-to-david-camerons-parents/

http://theefaction.wordpress.com/2011/08/09/londons-burning-the-answer-lies-in-the-people/

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• London riots: Why are Britons rioting? (slate.com)
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• London riots (angelsbeauty.wordpress.com)
• VIDEO: Swift justice after London riots (bbc.co.uk)
• About The Iconic London Riots Photo (bagnewsnotes.com)
• Dramatic Pictures Of The London Riots (businessinsider.com)
• [Photos]: Riots Destroy Londoners’ Lives (buzz103.radio.com)
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Buy Buy Sky BSB …. ?

Buy, buy ?  Nope it’s bye, bye Rupert.

Wayne Rooney ‘Delighted’ With Hair Transplant.

Original Story here

Euro Failure Spells The End For Idiotic Duo.

At least they aren’t singing……Our very own political Jedward.

Britain’s Got Inertia.

If Bowie had been born into a different era....

In Defence of Britains Got Talent. ( Well not really.)

The cultural phenomenon that is “Britain’s Got Talent”  has been back with us for a few weeks,  sucking out our brains like some sort of televisual zombie, feasting on our inertia, wallowing in our apathy and as is the way with a  Simon Cowell  ‘format’  it never makes the mistake of under estimating the great British public’s insatiable appetite for mind numbing shite.

My dislike for ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ and all it stands for is based purely and simply on my pervious, soul shrivelling experiences of all things Cowellian. Robson And Jerome,  Zig And Zag, Sinitta, that little prick Louis Walsh, Cheryl Cole . . . need I go on ?  His crimes against popular culture are numerous, heinous and unrelenting.  Yet incredibly, having studiously avoided “ BGT” for a number of  years my view and possibly my brain had started to soften, maybe  I’d been a little harsh – after all, it’s just ‘a bit of fun ‘isn’t it ?  Maybe it’s improved immeasurably since I was harrowed to the very core of my being by the likes of  Susan Boyle and the ‘side splitting’ antics of Stavros Flatley.  And so I decided in order to have a valid contemporary opinion I should at least give the show another viewing. To this  end I have just spent the last hour on youtube and ITV.com observing people who have at the very  least, an inflated  sense of their own ability and at worst are seriously mentally ill, but enough about the judges . Of the contestants you can’t help but wish their parents had said ‘ No little Jenny, you do NOT have the voice of Maria Callas, but serving happy meals might be something you’d like to consider as a career option.’ There is certainly a lot to be said for tough love.  The so called expert judges including for this series, Britain’s unfunniest  (but possibly most annoying man,) Michael McIntyre,  perform their scripted roles with the deftness of a charging elephant and effect spontaneity with all the confidence of Jean Claude Van Damme playing Hamlet . But of course that’s not the issue here, this is after all , as people keep telling me ‘just a bit of fun’.

Watching the ‘highlights’  has been a spirit crushing experience and has  left me feeling tainted, depressed and lobotomised by the sheer stupidity of this lamentable charade.  The on screen ring masters, two gurning vertically challenged, stage school, millionaire Geordie luvvies,  giggle, guffaw and simulate conspiratorial ironic exasperation in order to connect with the TV audience at home,  a skill which has rather  bafflingly seen them regaled as national treasures.

And ‘connect’ is the crucial word here, because for all its faults, it’s unremitting shitness and it’s spirit crushing crassness, ‘Britain’s Got Talent ‘does one  thing extremely well. It understands it’s audience and fills the emptiness in their life. Simply put it fills a void with a void.  Cowell may not understand what makes a great song, he may not understand the avant garde,  he may be terrified of the artist who wants to push boundaries  and challenge the status quo, but he understands implicitly how to make money from defending the status quo. Cowell’s skill is turd polishing and presentation, essentially he appropriates various elements  from redundant TV  formats, the variety show, the talent show, the pantomime and like Dr. Victor Frankenstein re-assembles these parts to  create a monster.   Not unlike Cheryl Cole, initially it  appears to be beautifully constructed, stylish and represent ….. and there’s the rub , and represent what exactly???. Because the truth is “BGT”  is  the antithesis of talent, it is a  vapid , empty sexless piece of contrived propaganda,  which assumes the public is a bovine herd  made up of fatuous indolent idiots.

It was once said that people knew exactly what they were doing when  Martin LutherKing was assassinated or when JFK lost  an ill advised game of head tennis with a bullet.  They remember the shock when Lennon was murdered and were stopped in their tracks when news that Elvis had ‘left the building’ -permanently.  Yet nowadays ‘BGT’ is fawned over by the media and presented as having the same  cultural significance as the aforementioned events.  And of course we  all know exactly where we were , sitting on the fucking couch, gorging on kettle chips, complicit and acquiescent  in the dumbing down of  ‘event TV.’  You see  Cowells leathery withered gonads have ‘tea-bagged’  popular culture and his only contribution to it is to create a generation of couch potatoes who talk with misty  eyed reverence about the first time they saw and heard their hairy angel spirit guide, Susan Boyle.   And that’s what ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ gives us, something that we all crave as social animals,   the collective experience,  it’s just a shame it’s such a  fucking shit one, the televisual equivalent of holding your lighter aloft  at a Chris De Burgh concert whilst shitting into an empty polystyrene fish and chip tray. It’s a  parallel universe  were bad is good, wrong is right  a world were the mundane  is GOD,  where innovation is crushed, talent is feared  and where the banal ultimately triumphs, it IS the lowest common denominator made flesh. To quote Bill Hicks ” They’re so good, and so clean-cut, and they’re such a good image for the children.” Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children listening to people who fucking rocked!“

People have called me a snob, of being a killjoy, of trying to spoil their fun with some sort of elitist agenda, but the reality is that surely there is nothing more elitist  than sitting on your expensive couch with your nice middle class friends sneering and sniggering  from your  perceived position of superiority as people’s dreams are dismantled by the very rich in the name of cheap nasty entertainment.  These ‘tastemakers’ contribute nothing of worth to popular culture, they debase it,  using  it as a vehicle to promote their own empty ‘brand.’  They take and give NOTHING back. ‘BGT’ is Jerry Springer/Jeremy Kyle style bear baiting with a karaoke machine, jugglers and synchronised dancing.

In essence I was right to despise the crass manipulative nastiness of  Britain’s Got Talent, but now after revisiting it ,  I not only loathe the show , I also pity the  eleven million plus who regularly lap up this drivel.   ‘Britain’s Got Talent’  is a void inside a vacuum, a hateful hat ful  of hollow and  Oscar Wilde’s epigram ‘Public opinion exists  only where there are no ideas’  could well be the shows tag-line.  It is  a show made by manipulative lazy cunts to be enjoyed by lazy complicit acquiescent cunts.  When  popular culture finally draws it’s last breath and all we have left are ‘Syco’ approved  power ballads and REO Speedwagon tribute bands  what will your excuse be ? .. “I couldn’t be arsed??”  –     We really do deserve better.

Related articles

• The Hoff Is Off Britain’s Got Talent (perezhilton.com)
• David Hasselhoff “Britain’s Got Talent” Judge (popcrunch.com)

Nick Clegg Admits ‘Power Is My Viagra’.

The VP Express  uncovers the capital’s sexiest places: Here Nick Clegg describes the appeal of living in view of David Cameron‘s shiny pink arse.

“The view from number 10 is incredibly sexy, particularly at night with the moon and the glow from the old gas lamps. When David  and I were first courting we used to walk along the South Bank and look at the Houses of Parliament. I never realised then how sexy I would find living under Big Dave with his bells chiming.

Politicians as a breed, aside from maybe Eric Pickles, aren’t particularly sexy but I think politics can be sexy because power is an aphrodisiac. I can’t enough of it .  Since Dave became Prime Minister, the number of women who hit him has gone up dramatically. I don’t get jealous because more men hit me too. I think it’s hilarious and extremely flattering that I’ve been referred to as the Barry Chuckle of British politics.

I don’t mind people knowing about my history of one-night stands, broken promises and alcoholism. I was a bit souped-up when I was  Leon Brittain’s  European Union policy adviser in my twenties. I’m not proud of it but I’m not ashamed either. I do feel sexier now I’m older and I’ve stopped drinking. I think I grew up in my thirties and gained control of myself.

For dates I like to go somewhere down to earth, and you can’t get more low brow than crawling in  Hell’s gutter  on a double date with Rebekah Brooks and James Murdoch. I’ve got a sweet tooth so I find puddings, particularly chocolate, very sexy and  it also helps sweeten the bitter pill Lib Dems have been forced to swallow of late. This Valentine’s Day, David is destroying the country in the evening, so I will probably be eating a Chinese takeaway and a bar of chocolate on my own upstairs…just waiting to feel his touch, to bask in his glory and hopefully  enjoy mutual approbation later.   The most romantic thing I’ve ever done for  David is to allow him to f*ck me and my party up our collective arse.  He’s a very lucky man.  “

With apologies to Sally Bercow and The London Evening Standard

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• Wife of UK Speaker extolls Big Ben’s sex appeal (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
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The BBC and the ‘C’ word parts 1, 2 and 3

‘Ever get the feeing people are trying to tell you something ?’

Brillo bonced Newsnight Rotweiller, Jeremy Paxman recently  added himself to the illustrious band of  BBC broadcast journalists to reveal their subconscious  feelings toward the fucking twats, ahem, excuse me, I’m sorry, I mean the  coalition. This week he joined James Naughtie and Andrew Marr as the third person to mention the ‘C’ word  in relation to the government when he said ‘Supposing, though, some of the people who ought to be paying taxes so the cunts, cuts aren’t so bad aren’t actually doing so.” It certainly echos what most of the country is feeling at present, so let’s enjoy them in all their glory once more…..

Jeremy Paxman

James Naughtie

Andrew Marr

Related Articles

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• My hero: the BBC World Service by Jeremy Paxman (guardian.co.uk)
• Pass notes No 2,920: The c-word (guardian.co.uk)

Badge Kissing Mercenaries

I’ve long given up following football since Murdoch’s filthy lucre  poisoned it’s well. The greed of the players now is probably on a par with bankers and despite my ambivalence towards footie  it’s still annoying when these badge kissing mercenaries show little regard for their club or fans.  The latest to throw his toys out of the cot is Liverpool striker Fernando Torres who has handed in a transfer request after hearing news of interest from  Chelsea -  They really are a shower of spoilt, pampered w**kers.

Click for Larger version

 

Related Articles

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• Reds reject Torres request (skysports.com)
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• Liverpool FC Confirms Fernando Torres Transfer Request Rejected (sbnation.com)
• Fernando Torres just wants to win trophies, says Luis García (guardian.co.uk)
• Developing Story: Fernando Torres Hands in Transfer Request (bleacherreport.com)
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• Liverpool Reject Transfer Request From Torres (nytimes.com)

Can I Kick It ?

Can I kick It ? Yes you can.

Andy Gray And Richard Keys get the boot from Sian Massey & Karen Brady.

_________________________________________________________

Click for larger Image

 

 

Related Articles

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• Andy Gray and Richard Keys have finally met their Waterloo. I’m glad | David Mitchell (guardian.co.uk)
• Audio: Richard Keys and Andy Gray mock lineswoman Sian Massey during Liverpool victory (telegraph.co.uk)
• Richard Keys resigns over ‘dark forces’ as ‘stitched-up’ Andy Gray apologises (dailymail.co.uk)
• Having a Laugh? Not For These Pundits As Discrimination in Football Arises Again (bleacherreport.com)

Hairy On The Inside ? – Sky, Football, Sexism and Werewolves.

There has been so much written this week about the Sky Sports duo of Andy Gray and Richard Keys making disparaging remarks about females, resulting in them parting company with Sky. I won’t add too much, other than to say these two Neanderthal rock apes can talk about dark forces all they like, but they only have themselves to blame.  I did get involved in some message board fun on The Guardian website; some of the views expressed in the comments section were of such vitriolic bile I found it difficult to believe I was part of the same species never mind gender.   Another disquieting aspect of this whole affair is the female apologists for these two grunting arse scratching rock  apes, blithely dismissing it as ‘lads banter,’ is there anything more depressing than watching a woman speaking out to defend bigotry against women?

Posh fuck-wit, Katie Hopkins, who makes Thatcher seem positively sane and well balanced actually said on BBC’s Question Time ‘I think women actually don’t want equal treatment, they couldn’t handle it if they got it. It’s a tough world out there. I think what women need to realise is that you have to toughen up, we can’t ask for equal pay, you have to be paid on performance and the results you deliver. It’s a tough world out there and I don’t think Karren Brady or any others are doing us any favours by putting this sort of debate out there. I think the art of banter is something we should be proud of as a nation. I worked for a while in the military and our forces, the best in the world, in my opinion, they survive in banter. I think we need to keep that, we need to look after it.” There’s that word again, ‘Banter’ the last refuge of the scoundrel.  How somebody so thick can succeed in business is beyond me. Woman not only want equality, they quite rightly demand it !

Meanwhile the nation’s most repulsive man, dickless wonder,  Jeremy Clarkson whined that Andy Gray and Richard Keys  were ‘stitched up’,  alas the only thing that appears to have been stitched up is Clarkson’s  cranium when they removed his brain and replaced it with a small garden pea roughly the same size as his pathetic withered little testicles.

Looking at the photo above you can’t help but wonder if Mr Key’s would dismiss such disrespectful comments as ‘banter’ if they were aimed at his undoubtedly attractive daughter.  Would he find it amusing if she was referred to as ‘it’ , or if somebody asked if they’d ‘smashed it? Or had been ‘hanging out the back of it? ‘ Probably not. ..

Welcome back to the 1970’s kids.

Larger Image.

 

1970′s Footballers

 

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• Jeremy Clarkson attacks Sky Sports for sacking Andy Gray following Richard Keys resignation (dailymail.co.uk)
• “The Friday Question: Find Work For Andy Gray & Richard Keys!” and related posts (watchwithmothers.net)
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“Hunt seems to be the hardest word to say.”

BBC Radio 4 presenter James Naughtie had  listeners of the Today programme choking on their Cornflakes  this morning when he accidentally uttered the C-word after he stumbled over the pronunciation of Culture minister David Hunt’s name.

Download it here

Related Articles

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“Nick Clegg Waiting on Spine Donor”

(Animated Version.)

Let’s face it, news that politicians lie is nothing new.  Liberal Democrat leader and spineless political shape-shifter of no fixed ideology, Nick Clegg conned many before the election with his oily slickness during the nations first televised TV debates.  Little by little  the carefully constructed façade of  earnest integrity, of a reasonable man who like the Danish prince, agonises with his conscience over ‘big decisions’ has been reduced to rubble. The mask has  well and truly slipped to reveal a shallow fraudster with no scruples whose  lack of  veracity is matched only by his naked hunger for power.  To wit, he really is a fucking cock-ring.

Nick Clegg before the election:

Nick Clegg after the election:

“”This is an extraordinarily difficult issue… We have stuck to the wider ambition that going to university is done in a progressive way”

In other words

Resulting in

Which induced a not very chastened  Nick the  Prick to say-

“You need to be careful. I should have been more careful perhaps in signing that pledge at the time.”

But wait !! Apparently, the Liberal Democrats were already drawing up plans to discard Nick Clegg’s flagship policy to scrap university tuition fees two months before the general election. Pity they didn’t let on to the people who voted for his pre election pledges eh ? And they call it democracy?

[Youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYMN7l_wo5U&feature=related]

 

Support The Students

 

Nick, you see can be anyone you want him to be…whenever it suites

Related Articles

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• As the demonstrators denounce him, Nick Clegg suffers his worst half-hour in the Commons since becoming Deputy Prime Minister (telegraph.co.uk)
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Remember, Remember, It’s Ideological Not Economic.

Fireworks can be dangerous in the wrong hands. . . as can power.

Click thumbnail for large version

Out Of The Frying Pan- Stephen Fry

Oh dear, oh dear, actor, comedian, intellectual giant and national treasure Stephen Fry has got into a bit of hot water this week. After ‘tweeting‘ pictures from the set of the latest Harry Potter movie, Warner Brothers apparently requested he removed them forthwith.

Later in the week Fry was quoted as saying that he feels sorry for straight men as women aren’t generally too keen on making the beast with two backs, submitting that “it’s the price they are willing to pay for a relationship”. Obviously if Fry is correct this means I’ve been lied to countless times and the earth didn’t really move!! …Damn you Fry ! Now I’m beginning to doubt my once unquestionable prowess !

Admittedly my first reaction was that Stephen appears to have regressed back to the 1970′s, but that was nothing compared to the twitter-verse lynch mob, as they went into overdrive, jerking their knees and bleating that Fry should be hung in Parliament Square via his (doubtless) magnificently humongous testicles, until such time as they are engorged and bright purple; like overripe Tuscan Valley plums.  At this point his plump, puce pods should be pummelled with splintered cricket bats as Fry is handed his I-phone and attempts to beg for clemency using just 140 characters.  However, one suspects as an ex public school boy, Fry may regard that sort of behaviour as more of a guilty pleasure, than an actual punishment.

Others defended young Stephen, many observing (including it is noted, one Mrs Von Pip,) that he was merely  highlighting a painful, unspoken truth whilst also helping to  shatter the final taboo that has for so long haunted  the shadowy world of heterosexual sex.  Namely that women would sooner drink neat bleach than blow a gentleman’s love trombone, although many accept that ultimately it’s a price worth paying as all their friends have men and they don’t really want to come across as ‘a bit Lesbian.’ Some young ladies confusingly tweeted that ‘Feminism was gay‘, whilst others said that all this nagging would simply give women a bad name , and really shouldn’t these feminists be busy preparing their man a delicious meal wearing a thong, suspenders and high heels ? After all, he’s bound to have developed an insatiable appetite following a spot of late afternoon dogging !  Ah the Sisterhood is alive and well it seems!

As an upshot of all this blathering, Mr Fry has not only deleted the Harry Potter photos, but it transpires he may have also deleted his twitter account claiming he’s being painted as the gay, I-phone loving anti-Christ and has been horribly misquoted, signing off with a pithily inspired “bye,bye”.

Still, whatever the rights and wrongs it gives us an ideal opportunity to indulge in some Photoshop fun, sadly it also gives the Daily Mail, who are no fans of Mr Fry, the chance to produce yet more spurious nonsense too.

Fry Quits Twitter ? -(Animated version)

Related Articles

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• Observer portrays me as the antichrist, says Stephen Fry (newstatesman.com)
• Stephen Fry says ‘bye-bye’ to Twitter … again (cbc.ca)
• Stephen Fry Leaks Potter Pics On Twitter (news.sky.com)
• The Fallout Over Stephen Fry’s Sexual Insights [Sex Ed] (jezebel.com)
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Happy Halloween

George Osborne….he’s your worst f**king nightmare ….coming to a town hall, community centre, police station, fire station, hospital or library near you…very, very soon….

Large Version.

The Nasty Party Are Back

2010-

“People need to get on a bus to look for jobs. We need to recognise the jobs often don’t come to you. Sometimes you need to go to the jobs.”-

Iain Duncan Smith

1981-

“I grew up in the ’30s with an unemployed father. He didn’t riot. He got on his bike and looked for work, and he kept looking ’til he found it.”- Norman Tebbit.

Len McCluskey, assistant general secretary of the Unite union:

“Can the Con-Dem coalition really believe that the unemployment being created by savage Government cuts will be fixed by having people wandering across the country with their  possessions crammed into the luggage racks of buses.

Meanwhile, their children will presumably be left at home to fend for themselves with schools being run down and even closed. Iain Duncan Smith offers us a 19th-century vision of sturdy beggars and the undeserving poor, while the bankers and their chums continue to rake in millions and dodge taxes. The only polite reaction to all this is to say ‘shame on you’ (you shower of cunts? )

A spokesman for the Public and Commercial Services union said:

“Duncan Smith has been trying to tread the road to redemption in the nation’s eyes, reinventing himself as a caring Conservative. Well it didn’t take long for the mask to slip and for him to reveal himself as a Tebbit clone with this disgusting insult that is part of the coalition’s attempt to cast vulnerable members of our society as the new deserving and undeserving poor.”

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• Work Secretary: Jobless Can ‘Get On The Bus’ (news.sky.com)

Naomi Campbell and ‘dirty stones’

Model Naomi Campbell has testified that she was given some “dirty-looking stones” after a 1997 dinner attended by ex-Liberian President Charles Taylor….and here’s the proof … (story here)

UK Cloning Row

As the cloned cow milk row (cow (n’)gate?) in the UK rumbles on , story here , David Cameron, fresh from pursuing his own peculiar brand of foreign diplomacy, ie  piss off any country with a nuclear capability, joins Nick Clegg  to calm public health fears over  cloning…

Large Version

UK Election 2010- Cameron And Clegg The First Picture…

Kudos to Rolf Harris

Coming soon the ultimate date movie

And the DVD box set

UK Election 2010…and the winner is …

The UK election was without doubt, one of the most fascinating and unpredictable for decades. It had the lot, tears, tantrums, the decimation of the BNP, UKIP leader Nigel Fargae, crashing his aeroplane ( a problem with the right wing apparently ).  It also featured the added drama of voters in a number of constituencies being turned away from polling stations, unable to exercise their democratic right. The UK Electoral Commission is said to be “undertaking a thorough review” of instances where voters have been unable to cast their ballots.  They have yet to confirm the rumour that Robert Mugabe has offered to dispatch neutral observers to ensure the next election is all above board!

Yes the general public have spoken and their overwhelming message was quite clearly  “erm..” leaving the three main party leaders  lost in political limbo. With no clear winner, maybe the electorate’s message to politicians was quite simply “get lost..”

Large Image

Deal Or No Deal – Nick Clegg Holds The Ace…

So we have a hung Parliament and all the feverish  talk of huge Liberal Democrat  gains amounted to nothing more than hot air and broken dreams.  The Tories failed (despite being bankrolled by  Cashcroft and enjoying the support of Murdoch’s huge media machine) to gain majority.  And so now Cameron ‘the man who would be king’ is reduced to attempting to broker  deals with the Lib Dems, the Unionists, a Shetland pony called Roy, hell, anybody who will assist him  in fulfilling his “birthright”…

So will the Liberal Democrat’s get into to bed with current PM  Gordon Brown and form a government? Or will Nick Clegg risk an STD and allow David Cameron to seduce him with flaccid promises of  “an all party committee on electoral reform”. A fairly shit chat up line me thinks…

But it’s Cleggs shout…Deal or No Deal ?

UK Election 2010 -A Nightmare On Downing Street

Simon Indelicate ( Of  The Indelicates)  tells us why he loves election night and why a Tory government would be no fun…..

Last Ditch Effort

“I have a serious character flaw: I don’t want to be ordinary. I don’t ever want to be a member of an audience.  I am only happy backstage, peering out through curtains at amorphous crowds. I want to conduct them – to raise and quiet applause with a gesture – not stand among them. I want to commentate, not participate. I long for an occult understanding of the manipulable mechanisms that operate complex things. I want to be a witchdoctor, predicting the returns of summers and taking credit when I am proved correct.

As such, I’ve always loved elections. Like nothing else, they are a gift to people like me – arcane historical motions steeped in complex mathematics and eccentric insider traditions. When I learn that a party can come third in percentage terms and still be awarded enough seats to form the largest parliamentary grouping I get a little, embarassing thrill that I understand why and someone else doesn’t. When I hear that the Prime Minister has reacted pretty much as I would to hearing an old woman blather ludicrously on about eastern europeans, I don’t for a moment think that immigration is the issue at the story’s core: I think on a meta-level – I think about what it will mean, who it will sway, how it will play with undecideds, whether the public will warm to the glimpse of humanity or be disgusted with the Big-Brother-win-forfeiting crime of two-facedness…

This is all because I am, by birth and nature among the political classes. My parents never paid for my education, but I went to a state grammar school almost entirely populated by former prep school boys who had, by sheer and remarkable coincidence, been identified as the cleverest local kids in a fair and wholly accurate verbal reasoning test. I’ve got a politics A-Level, I attend counts and stay up all night for european election results. When I was 17 I won a national prize for debating, a title awarded to those who are the best at arguing a case with passion, commitment and eloquence that they have been handed a quarter of an hour before doing so. I’ve always known that politics was such a performance. We stripped belief for parts and reassembled it to convince people that we shared it. The Death Penalty, Abortion, Euthanasia, Privatisation, Poverty, Climate Change – they are just capitalised topics, fonts of rhetoric to be picked at for advantage, stages to play on. That’s what being of the political classes means – that people’s lives are chess pieces to help us to get our names onto little shields and precious websites.

I recognise my brethren everywhere in the media and politics. We are drawn to the swingometers and home-guard-ish returning officers and we babble excitedly about the process of it all. To us, ‘discussion of policy’, ‘smears’, ‘passion’ and ‘spin’ are all in the same category. They are tactics – like blows during a turn based RPG battle: Brown performs a medium strength  appeal to class solidarity on Cameron’s upper body, yielding +2 EXP, -4 INT and a heartland bonus of +3 CHR…

It’s a game and we’ve read the rulebook and we don’t believe that anybody else has and that makes us special. More special than you, undecided voter so easily swayed by Saatchi posters and gaffes; more special than you, mumsnet whom we so nearly decided to name the election after; more special than you, old woman, worrying about your little care home; more special than you, ordinary man, charmingly expressing your little opinion outside Dixons. We’re the guys behind the curtain – quake before the great and terrible Oz.

And I love it. Deep down, I do. I love it all. Except, this time, there’s this thing that’s happening and it really feels like we might elect a conservative government and it isn’t fun – it’s horrible.

For so long it has been an item of received wisdom that the main parties are all the same. If you have only been paying attention for the last thirteen years, you might well feel that this is true – The Labour years have been awash with disappointments, attacks on civil liberties, terribly planned wars and stupid laws. But they have been punctuated with the minimum wage, huge improvements to the NHS, the lifting of huge numbers of children out of poverty, real peace in Northern Ireland, real Gay rights, even free fruit for infant schools… There is a gap between the records of these parties – a narrow gap maybe, but any gap with a million children in is a gap worth recognising the existence of.

To us who spend the days before elections writing self-serving blogposts and trying to make things trend on twitter – it is incredibly appealing to see the contest as between three rivals from our ranks. We like the narrative that identifies ‘change’ as a desire and animating force among the munchkins. We assume that David Cameron will be the beneficiary and we think it’s delightful that the Liberal Democrats might have convinced enough people to cause a plot wobble in the story arc.

We like to dissect whether or not this ‘Big Society’ thing is connecting with people. But what does it mean, really? When Tories promise to “Promote the delivery of public services by social enterprises, charities and voluntary groups, encouraging them to get involved in running things like “Sure Start”, does that mean that they will rely on the generosity of rich people to counter the aggressive cutting of services that make people’s lives more bearable? Does it mean that in poor areas where people aren’t willing to help, people will suffer? Johann Hari makes a persuasive case that it does.

When they promise to “Recognise marriage and civil partnerships in the tax system, bringing us into line with other major European countries and making 4 million couples up to £150 per year better off” does that mean that they plan to institutionalise a world-view that looks down on blameless single mothers, widows and unconventional couples while doing as close to fuck all as possible to actually benefit anybody on the basis of a basic misreading of the statistic that married people are less likely to split up (as close to a perfect correlation/causation fallacy as it is possible to imagine)? Well, yes, yes it does.

When they promise to cut spending immediately and usher in an ‘age of austerity’ (a phrase quietly dropped in response to bad polling) does that mean a double dip recession as poor, tired, silly old Gordon Brown warns? Well, yes, it probably does. It’s happened in some countries and has been halted in countries where the opposite policy has been pursued. Does it mean that the unemployment and house reposessions I remember from the early 90s will happen again? Again, yes, probably – Jonathan Freedland makes a convincing case here.

When David Cameron says that we can’t have a hung parliament because that will mean decisions being made in smoky backrooms by politicians – does that mean that, in the event of a hung parliament he himself  intends to try and make decisions in smoky backrooms so as to overturn constitutional convention and ride press momentum into power? Again, reports say yes.

When he says he’s making ‘a contract with you’, does that mean that he’s going to honour it precisely until the moment when, driven by inevitable crisis or political necessity, he is forced to compromise with the base of his party in order to shore up his position? Does that mean he’ll be compromising with Tebbit? With Philippa Stroud? With the Chris Graylings who had the sense to keep quiet? With his Extremist partners in the european parliament? With, not to put too fine a point on it, FUCKING TORIES. Yes. Yes it does.

I have been criticised for not making a positive case for any party, just attacking negatively and I admit it. It’s not easy. I think there are reasons to support Labour, reasons to support the Libdems and plenty of reasons not to. But at this stage, I barely care – I don’t fear either party because they are on the other side of a real gap with real people in it who will really suffer. I do fear the Tories. They terrify me.

I’d like nothing more tomorrow than to stay up all night gleefully waiting for Portillo moments and unopenable magnums and good old Paxman having a nice old go at someone and swingometers and exit polls and Andrew Neill and funny old Nick Robinson and what will Galloway say and will Caroline Lucas win and who’ll try to put a positive spin on the exit polls and look its animated MPs in a CG parliament and aren’t we all clever with our analysis and predictions and isn’t Britain just marvellous…

But this is because I suck. I love the process and I don’t want to think about what it means. But fuck me and all my chums. We’re elitist, entitled nerds and we are obscuring the things that matter. It’s not fun anymore, it matters, and if you are scared of the country this will become if Cameron becomes Prime Minister on Friday then please do not let us distract you – just use your vote any way that you can to stop it happening. It isn’t too late.

(Simon Indelicate)

So you know what to do….

Last word to sum up how many of us feel from Gary Younge

“I don’t have a phobia about Tories. That would suggest an irrational response. I hate them for a reason. For lots of reasons, actually. For the miners, apartheid, Bobby Sands, Greenham Common, selling council houses, Section 28, lining the pockets of the rich and hammering the poor – to name but a few. I hate them because they hate people I care about. As a young man Cameron looked out on the social carnage of pit closures and mass unemployment, looked at Margaret Thatcher’s government and thought, these are my people. When all the debating is done, that is really all I need to know.” ( Full article here )

http://www.stopdave.co.uk/

Not as offensive as The Suns front page

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Odds increase for a hung Parliament

Many voters probably wouldn’t object to the above scenario and  apathy and mistrust towards  a system that appears to be   inherently  corrupt is understandable.  However not voting at all  is a bit like saying…“I’m going to wear sweat pants and a man nappy for the rest of my life, I have given up “..Predictions today suggest that a hung parliament is still on the cards, The Sun “newspaper” and others with vested interests  would seek to convince you that this would be an unmitigated  disaster for the country, and Murdoch has allegedly already issued the Sun’s editor the diktat that  it’s his job to “fu*king get Cameron into fu*king Number 10 ” .

There are still vital seats to be won and lost, so don’t be  manipulated  into voting for a party you don’t support purely to avoid Murdoch’s scaremongering  “nightmare scenario” propaganda and self- interested bullshit (you can register your disapproval of media manipulation  HERE ).  If people don’t actually  get out and vote, then the Tories may actually scrape a  majority, and having lived through  corrupt and uncaring Tory governments in the past, I know giving them the keys to number 10 would be a  f**king  disaster. So here’s a guide to tactical voting aimed at  keeping the Tories out on May 6th (download HERE ) .  Do the right thing, don’t vote Tory, do vote tactically.

Large Version

The Election-Do the Right Thing

Large Versions For Display in your windows

Gordon Brown “Not Racist” Shocker !

Gordon Brown today stands accused of NOT being a racist. By refusing to endorse the views of a mad,  deluded old lady  sporting the sort of  hairstyle popularised by middle England style guru Jeremy Clarkeson, Brown has been forced into a humiliating  apology for his lack of “Little Englander” credentials.  George Osborne, barely able to conceal his glee, crowed  “The thing about general elections is that they reveal the truth about people”. ( By that logic  his transformation into slug should be complete any-day now.)

Things kicked off in Rochdale, when after an exchange that seemed as dull as it was  innocuous,  the Prime Minister privately described “typical” former Labour voter Gillian Duffy, as a bigot.  Alas for hapless Gordo,  the all hearing ears of Rupert Murdoch’s Sky News  picked up this remark via a mic that was still switched on.    But was hecorrect?  Was he merely making a private comment that many may agree with?   Because invariably a conversation that starts with  “ and all those immigrants from Eastern Europe”..is the sort of comment that can be put in the same category as ” look, I’m a card carrying member of the Whitney Fan Club, got nothing against ‘em . . . BUT…..”

You obviously don’t need a road map to see where this ends.  However Gillian Duffy, it transpires, does…..( a sat nav voice over is but a Max Clifford phone-call away.)

Sadly to make political capital out of such tommy-rot only plays into the hands of The Tories and the BNP.

Related articles

• Gordon Brown was right about Gillian Duffy (blogs.telegraph.co.uk)
• Gillian Duffy takes on Nick Clegg (guardian.co.uk)

The David Cameron Poster Saga

Everybody’s laughing at Davey’s absurd election poster in which he looks incredibly fresh faced !!!! Pop along here to see some brilliant examples of the election poster that has spectacularly backfired  !

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“X” mas Message 2009

“Simon and Cheryl-Secret Recording”

If the suggestion  that Simon Cowell wants to enter politics with an X-Factor style political show doesn’t fill your heart with dread then you probably deserve him.

“Ant, Dec? What do the public think ? Should we pull the troops out. Let’s get the public to decide!.

[ Cue gratuitous close-up of grieving Army mum  looking tearfully at a photo of her son and set to a heart rending  Leona Lewis song.  Cut to  close up of a concerned looking Simon] …..

Simon: “Afghanistan ? EVEN  I don’t understand what’s going on there the public deserves the truth which can only be discovered by a premium line phone vote” (Story here .)

But before you rush off and vote for Simon or imagine Clarkeson as Minister For Transport , “Dr” Gillian McKeith as Health Minister , Ant & Dec as  Cultural Ambassadors or  Vernon Kaye as Minister For Vacuous  Twattery,  before you embrace that particular cultural and political  Armageddon , lets examine how Cowell manipulates the (willing )public on say, mind rotting shite like  The X-Factor, let’s do the maths.

“Do You Want The Truth Or Something Beautiful?”

Oblong Headed Oligarch of Pop : “Every single person who fills in an application form does so because they want to prove to the judges that they have what it takes, that “X” that “It” that “Pow!” which will propel them from the humdrum inadequacy of their current existence towards that mythical nirvana called the “celebrity life-style”. They all think they have a chance. That once they get in front of those three famous judges they have a genuine chance, no matter how small, of all their dreams coming true.

But they’re not going to get in front of us are they? At least not about ninety four thousand of them. The chances of them getting to perform for the judges are tiny!”

So it’s all a lie??

Oblong Headed Oligarch of Pop: “Of course it isn’t a lie!!! It’s show business. It’s entertainment. We don’t deceive anybody. The information is already there for people if they want to see it, they only have to do the maths. Ninety Five thousand contestants, three judges. How could we possibly consider even a fraction of that number? Say we did ten an hour, that’s nine thousand five hundred hours. Assuming we worked a ten hour day that would be nine hundred and fifty days!! That’s nearly three years we would have to be sitting there behind a trestle table saying “I think you need to find another dream” to an endless stream of idiots and that’s if we worked flat out without a break !

People can work it out if they want to. The only have to do the maths. But they don’t want to do the Maths. Why should they? Any more than they would watch a film that reminded them that it was only actors reciting a script.”*

*Ben Elton “Chart Throb”

A New Low Even For The Daily Mail

“Homophobia” By Chumbawamba

According to  Daily Mail journalist Jan Moir, former Boyzone singer Stephen Gately died of “being gay.” The article can be read in it’s full vileness here

We have written to the press complaints comission to register our anger at such  a disgusting, inhuman and hateful article. We urge others to do the same. Moir will doubtless call this sort of thing  a ‘carefully orchestrated campaign’ .Ermmm by who we are not exactly sure,  probably those “gays” ?  Maybe Stephen Fry is pulling  everybody’s strings from his “lair” , that secret  hideaway, deep within a dormant volcano before he fires up his “Gay-Ray Gun” and turn us all into the sort of folk Moir disapporoves of ?   For the record we’re not gay,  we  f**king loathed  Boyside and Westzone’s music, but we do like to think  we are not totally devoid of humanity….anyway…here’s the letter to the PCC from “Team Pip “...

“I wish to complain about the breach of clause one of the code. It is factually inaccurate to say that young , healthy men do not go to bed and not wake up again.Apparently healthy people die every day due to Sudden Adult Death Syndrome. Moir dismisses the family’s assertion that their son’s death was due to a heart condition despite the fact that the cause of death, pulmonary oedema, happens as a result of heart failure.Also,is she asserting a link between cannabis use and heart failure?

I feel she is also in breach of clause twelve of the code in that she is using her factually inaccurate assertions to reinforce predjudices against a particular group of people on the basis of their sexual orientation.The whole tone of the article, from the headline onwards, is designed to portray the idea that Mr. Gately’s death was in some way sinister and that this is inextricably linked with the fact that he was homosexual.Had this tragedy happened to a heterosexual ‘celebrity’ , I don’t believe that it would have attracted the same type of comment and so on that basis I would argue that the article is discriminatory .”

Other links

Press Complaints Comission

Charlie Booker on Jan Moir

The Daily Quail

Facebook Group

Tories To Act On Unemployment…????

A Conservative government would not stand by while unemployment rises in Britain, according to David Cameron. The Tories are, he said..wait for it…the party of compassion...hahahaha….excuse me , I’m sorry..but really..

We must learn lessons from the past says Cameron who is set to announce a new unempolyment “Tszar”.

Here he is …..

An Indifferent Reception

Media oligarch James Murdoch, Damien to Rupert’s Lucifer, has given a key note speech at the Edinburgh Television Festival about the future of  “media”.  He seems to suggest that the license fee isn’t value for money because the BBC actually give away too much free content ???

Yes, predictably he attacks Daddy’s “nemesi” hurling cliched brickbats at familiar targets such as the BBC, Virgin Media, your Aunt Joyce and anybody who might not wish to embrace the Sky TV “lifestyle choice philosophy” of a  KFC bucket of deep fried chickens feet, “Nuts” and “Zoo” laddishness, lots of piss weak overpriced lager and Tim Lovejoy-lite presenters  (if  Tim Lovejoy-lite is achievable Sky will excel baby! ).  Oh and “The expansion of state-sponsored journalism is a threat to the plurality and independence of news provision.” Bless, Daddy must be so proud whilst perfecting that comb-over to hide the three sixes on his noggin  and unlike Virgin Media and BT who objected to Government proposals  to punish illegal downloaders by switching off their Internet connection, Jim-bob wholeheartidly supports  such draconian action .. In fact he  thinks they should be executed, live on a new Sky TV reality show “Britains Stupidest Downloaders Who Pay a TV License Fee Whilst Don’t Subscribe To  Sky”

But some of us don’t actually see “Sky TV” as a force for good….

MP’s forced to live on “rations” says Duncan

Alan Duncan, the Tory frontbencher who has redinfined the pharse “arrogant f*ck-wit” and has an unfortunate habit of producing verrbal diarrohea on an alarmingly regular basis, has said that MPs are being treated like “shits” and forced to live on “rations” following the expenses scandal. (see story here)

Let’s recap what millionaire oil trader Alan considered legitmate expenses before public fury put a temporary halt to the gravy train.  He claimed £4,000 in  gardening costs which included £598 to overhaul a ride-on lawn-mower and then a further £41 to fix a puncture.  He also had an earlier claim in of £3,194 for gardening expenses rejected by the fees office, which wrote to Mr Duncan suggesting that the claim might not be “within the spirit of the rules .” Pfft ,what’s a boy to do ?

So the next time you’re sweating over paying a credit card bill, redundancy or where to make cuts in the household budget, spare a thought, or maybe even a bob or two for your MP,  don’t treat them with contempt, don’t label them unctuous, grasping, selfish, greedy out of touch shits …… times are hard in Westminister these days-have a heart.

You Never Know Who’s Listening In…

David Cameron appointed former News of the World editor Andy Coulson as his director of communication  to bring his slick, oiley and some might say underhand,  tabloid skills to run the  Tory media machine. He may now be forced to sack him , rather like  Alastair Campbell, it appears the spin doctor has become the story .

Coulson was a free agent after he had resigned as editor of the Sunday newspaper in 2007 after taking responsibility for the tapping of the phones of royal staff by a NoW journalist who, alongside a private investigator, was jailed for the offence.

The Guardian claim that thousands of similar offences were committed, with the  Rupert Murdoch’s News International paying  £1m in out-of-court settlements to victims to keep  things hush-hush and Coulson is insisting he knew bugger all about it !!  That view is likely to be challenged and Coulson could once  again have to defend himself and face awkward questions  from the police if a fresh investigation is launched. So much for the Tories being “the party you can trust” eh ?

Mandelson Leaks Embarrass Brown

Peter Mandelson revealed in an email, some  nine months before his return to cabinet that he thought Prime Minister Gordon Brown was “not comfortable in his own skin.” Story here

Mandelson on the other hand has no such problem….

Bad Week For Brown

Not been the best of weeks for the Prime Minister has it ?

Amongst the comings and goings in a week fraught with resignations, Machiavellian plotting and general media hysteria there was the curious case of Caroline Flint. She resigned claiming  that she was no longer willing to be treated as  “female window dressing”. Story here . We will certainly not be making any sexist jokes about being happy to offer Mrs Flint a position on our cabinet. No. She may have a valid point, but sadly she will stand accused by many, of playing the “sexist card”.  Her statement the day prior to her resignation would have many questioning her real motivation.

“I am staying in the government.”I have spent my entire ministerial career for six years now serving Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, and I am very proud to be in a Labour government and very proud to be part of Gordon Brown’s government.

Her position suddenly changed the following day when it transpired she wasnt to be offered the job she thought her “loyalty” deserved, as she sobbed “Several of the women attending cabinet – myself included – have been treated by you as little more than female window dressing.”I am not willing to attend cabinet in a peripheral capacity any longer.”

Brown of course denied he had  ever regarded Mrs Flint as “window dressing”, as our exclusive picture clearly demonstrates.

And to top it all………….…. ( Story here)

But despite all of the above, it doesn’t stop Cameron being a useless T*at either,  does it ?

A Nice Little Earner… MP’s Expenses

So when is fraud not fraud ? Why when its an MP expense claim of course!  With so many MP’s stating “it was a mistake , an oversight, I was badly advised” one wonders whether such cretins, whose numeracy seems rudimentary at best,  are really the right people to be holding the public purse strings, let alone run the country?

You can bet your bottom dollar if this was, say,  a housing benefit scam, or indeed any other abuse of public money, prosecutions would follow….we shall see….

Here are some the high profile cases, remember, this is your money folks..

Gordon Brown

Mr Brown used his expenses to pay his brother Andrew £6,577 for cleaning work at his Westminster flat between 2004 and 2006. The brothers shared the cleaner at their two flats. Under the arrangement, Andrew Brown paid the cleaner and the Prime Minister reimbursed his share of the cost.

Jack Straw

The Justice Secretary claimed for the full cost of council tax, even though he received a 50% discount from his local authority. He repaid the money last summer, shortly after a High Court ruling requiring the receipts to be published. In a note to the fees office he wrote: “Accountancy does not appear to be my strongest suit.”

David Miliband

The Foreign Secretary claimed almost £30,000 for doing up his £120,000 constituency home over five years, it was reported. He spent up to £180 every three months on the garden at the property in South Shields. At the bottom of one receipt for £132.96 in April 2008, his gardener wrote a note questioning whether some of the work was necessary.

Hazel Blears

The Communities Secretary claimed for three different properties in a single year, spending almost £5,000 of taxpayers’ money on furniture in three months.

Margaret Beckett

The Housing Minister found herself in trouble with the Fees Office after attempting to claim £600 for hanging baskets and pot plants.

Andy Burnham

The Culture Secretary wrote a note to the fees office in which he pleaded for his expenses to be paid urgently and even wrote he “might be in line for a divorce” if the money did not materialise within days.

John Prescott

The taxpayer paid for the former deputy prime minister to fit the front of his home in Hull with mock Tudor boards and for his toilet seat to be repaired twice in two years. ( I have a horrible mental picture at this point)

John Reid

The former Home Secretary’s claims included a £199 pouffe, a £370 armchair, an £899 sofa and a £29.99 a “black glitter toilet seat”. ( Nice, so much for the “hard man” image eh?)

David Cameron

The Tory leader claimed a total of £82,450 on his second home allowance over five years which included a £680 bill for repairs to the property relating to the  clearing wisteria and vines from a chimney and replacing outside lights . (Good God, even his expense claims are bland and dull ! )

Oliver Letwin

Mr Letwin, who is in charge of drawing up the Conservative general election manifesto, claimed more than £2,000 to replace a leaking pipe under his tennis court. He said he had been ordered to mend the pipe by the local water company and did not make any improvements to the court or his garden. The taxpayer also picked up the tab for regular services to his Aga cooker.

Greg Barker

Mr Barker – the first prominent Tory to be caught up in the expenses row – reportedly made a £320,000 profit on a flat he bought at the taxpayers’ expense.

David Willetts

The shadow innovation, universities and skills secretary claimed £115 plus VAT to replace 25 light bulbs at his second home in west London. On the same claim – part of a £2,191 invoice for odd jobs that included cleaning a shower head – Mr Willetts charged another £80 to “change light bulbs in bathroom”. But parliamentary authorities pared the bill back by more than £1,000, refusing to refund £175 for a dog enclosure and £750 for a shed base. According to the Daily Telegraph, the fees office frequently cut his claims because of errors or overclaims.

Nick Herbert

The shadow environment secretary claimed back £10,000 of the £14,700 stamp duty when he bought a home with his partner in his constituency. He also charged for fees and a survey of the property in Arundel, West Sussex and claimed for the entire monthly mortgage interest even though his partner’s name was on the deeds

lan Duncan

The shadow leader of the Commons claimed thousands of pounds for his garden before agreeing with the fees office that the spending “could be considered excessive”. Millionaire Mr Duncan recouped £4,000 over three years. However, a £3,194 bill for gardening in March 2007 was not paid after officials responded suggesting that the claim might not be “within the spirit” of the rules, according to the Daily Telegraph. In a letter to the MP for Rutland and Melton, the fees office said that it expected gardening costs “to cover only basic essentials such as grass cutting”.

Nick Clegg

The current Lib Dem leader reported had his second home allowance docked last year after exceeding the £23,083 maximum by more than £100. Other claims made included £1,657.32 for food, and phone bills which included calls to Colombia and Vietnam.

Chris Huhne

The Lib Dem’s home affairs spokesman regularly submits claims for food and groceries including pints of milk, fluffy dusters and chocolate biscuits. Millionaire Mr Huhne, who is MP for Eastleigh in Hampshire, also expensed a £119 trouser press which was delivered to his main London home.

So how did this system of corruption ever become just a perk of the job ? Well as with many of societies ills it’s all Thatchers fault. According to Michael Brown, former Tory MP, Margaret Thatcher is to blame as she blocked a salary increase and introduced allowances instead, thus deceiving the electorate. “Cheeky Boy” Lembit Opik also backed up this claim saying that the whole system is wrong but that it was Thatcher’s fault because she introduced the current system and, he claimed,  encouraged MP’s to use expense claims as a means of supplementing their income.

Time for Madame Guillotine to make an appearance me thinks

“Margaret On the Guillotine” By Morrissey

The Problem With “Comic Relief”

“Today a colleague suggested I might like to shave my hair off, bark like a dog for the  day or dress up as character from Pirates of the Caribbean, all in the name of Comic Relief … I suggested he might like to F**k off.  If the incident proved anything it proved he didn’t know me very well at all….(he also brought in an enormous tray of  Red Nose cakes, and failed to see the irony-help those without food by celebrating with a huge cake! )

Comic Relief ?  Isn’t that the annual event which broadcasts  the ridiculous spectacle of  Lenny Henry attempting to  revive his flagging career, but merely sees the BBC cast as a desperate paramedic giving the kiss of life  to the  freshly exhumed corpse  that is Henry’s career?  Lets face it, the man’s about as funny as a case of gonorrhea, but without the social  relevance. But Comic Relief? Ah yes, that backslapping national w*nk fest when we feel at one with our celeb pals . Personally I find it nauseating, patronising and totally misguided. The so called 3^rd world doesn’t want our charity or our pity they want independence and self respect … but being charitable makes us feel good about ourselves doesn’t it?

Sadly well meaning donations aren’t  the answer,  it’s just a way to assuage the minor twinges of conscience we sometimes get about the “poor people.” Yet there’s enough money in the world to really make a difference and to give the  ”3rd World” a real chance to develop, alas  the capitalist system dictates that  they must instead be treated as inferior beings, deserving of pity only when dullards such as U2′s Bongo or Barlow or Moyles  prick our  national conscience ( prick being the operative word. )  Hey Kids ! Let’s give Africa some crumbs of comfort from our table of plenty when we have finished gorging ourselves to bursting point. All charity does is provide a temporary stop-gap, never a solution and it lets governments off the hook. While there are charities, Brown /Bush (the juries out on Obama as yet) can still afford to spend millions on their phoney “War on Terror” ( my mate Trevor’s dyslexic and sh*t himself when he first read that phrase! ) and bail out the corrupt bankers, and multi nationals.

Political pressure on governments could achieve a real sea change in how we live our lives, if we were prepared to make even some small sacrifices.  Sadly we consider sitting in tubs of custard to be the only real sacrifice we need make. But  hey! It shows we really are wacky, fun loving people, why I bet those African folk can hardly contain their mirth!

The long term solution is political, but of course that’s not really very entertaining is it, that’s boring and dull and worthy and dry innit?  And of course the petit-bourgeois love their charitable fun don’t they? If Davina says it’s cool to have fun and raise money then it must be OK mustn’t it? And Davina’s ,like, a gal’s best mate isn’t she ? I bet it would be great to go the pub with her cos she’s like, so down to earth and sh*t

Urrgh!  So F**K off Bongo, Gary Barlow, David Beckham and all your backslapping sanctimonious chums, all you hypocrite millionaire rock stars and Z list celebs, with your jets and your mansions and your lectures about how we should donate money … …Mind you I’ll give money willingly  to keep Chris Moyles and Gary Barlow atop Kilimanjaro permanently, Brokeback Mountain for the terminally dull and talentless perhaps ? ….

You do wonder about peoples self worth when they have to live their lives vicariously through modern day philosophers like Cheryl and Jade and Myleene and Chris and Gary and their ilk.  The most profound thing I’ve ever heard Fern Cotton say is “Wicked innit” and frankly it changed my life.  Could she be any more bland? Well yes, the afore mentioned Davina would suggest so.

Of course comic relief also helps celebs feel good about themselves too, raises their profile  and in their disconnected little heads they can actually justify receiving a weekly wage which would keep a small African republic’s economy afloat.  As Chumbawamba once sang  with reference to Live Aid ” Pictures of Starving Children Sell Records” and they  win Oscars too. In “Slum Dog Millionaire” only the good looking kids were cast, you know, the ones who have large liquid poetic eyes, like deep wells of misery and they are of course eminently  photogenic . “For god sakes keep the ugly sick kids away from the cameras ….Jeez the ones with no teeth, conjunctivitis and rotting limbs might put  the cinema going public off their pop corn, and we don’t want to deal with reality really do we, this aint a f**king liberal commie pinko documentary Danny, this is entertainment for god sakes” !

People will defend comic relief saying its better to do something than nothing. I’m not advocating doing nothing, I’m talking about taking radical action, doing something more than wearing a bright red nose like a badge of honour one day a year to denote your compassion and then behaving like a c*nt for the rest of the year. Lets pay more tax , lets boycott celebs who get paid stupid money, lets donate  our season ticket money for next years football to pressure groups. Will you do that? Or will you merely wear a red nose and donate a fiver once a year .

But we are all manipulated by the media and led by celebs and we lap it up, all of us!  Take the case of poor Jade Goody, is she really now an embodiment of the nations grief? Did Gordon Brown really have to say “Jane Goody’s plight is of concern to the nation” to be honest it took me a while trying to work out who this “Jane” lass was .  But the Jade Goody coverage makes me want to vomit my own kidneys up.  Cancer negates racism eh? So she’s now cast as Mother Theresa, and displaced “poor little Maddie” in the nation’s hearts. Sad as it is that someone so young is dying, the voyeuristic hour by hour updates are truly ghoulish, sick and deeply disturbing, but African kids sell records and pictures of Jade sell newspapers and Joe Public LOVE it ! They want to actually see her die….they demand that final tragic picture….

It seems that today fame is the only justification for anybody’s existence, and our obsession with the lives of people who we don’t even know, seems to be the only way the masses feel connected. We’ll spend hours searching the net and magazines for Jade related stories, cos we care,   yet next door our 80 year old neighbour has been dead for a week…………… nobodies noticed.

It’s a twisted world ….

Obama Keen To Avoid ‘Trade War’

Responding to criticism of the Buy America clause in the $900 billion stimulus package, the President said he was eager to avoid being protectionist. After a flurry of European criticism concerning a ‘Buy America’ clause contained in the almost $900 billion stimulus plan, US president Barack Obama said that he is keen to avoid a trade conflict.

“I think it would be a mistake though, at a time when worldwide trade is declining, for us to start sending a message that somehow we’re just looking after ourselves and not concerned with world trade,”

STORY HERE

Goodbye and Good Riddance.

It was erm surreal..

“American Idiot” By Green Day

And the party to celebrate George W’s legacy was in full swing earlier today..

The Best Of Bush

What Constitutes A War Crime?

Q: When is a war crime not a war crime?

A: When you have one of  Uncle George W’s “Get Out Of Jail” cards

War On Terror Wrong

The “War On Terror was wrong” said David Milliband today. (story here) Still it’s of little comfort to Brian, Larry and Henry (below,) all accused of crimes of terror, which turned their world upside down!

Wrongly Accused-The "Terror Trio"

“I was literally shitting me self” said Larry Talbot, a rather hirsute labourer from Croydon, London.   Meanwhile Professor Henry Jarrod’s popular Wax Museum had to close through a concerted “whispering campaign“.  And spare a thought for Brian Stoker, a Dentist from Middlesborough, who spent six months in Guantanamo Bay. “I’m suing” said a furious Mr Stoker, yesterday.

An Innocent Abroad

Royal Family In New Race Row

The Royal family found themselves caught up in a new race row today after it emerged the Prince of Wales has been calling an Asian friend by the nickname “Sooty”.

Prince Charles with friends Jamie Phelps Gore Booth "Sweep" and ("Far Right") Kolin Dhillon "Sooty" at the Cirencester Polo club, yesterday

This is not the first time the royals have been embroiled in accusations of racism. Prince Harry was pictured dressed in a Nazi uniform at a fancy dress party. The Queen has referred to people of African descent as “fuzzy wuzzys and Prince Phillip it is alleged, thinks “Combat 18″ “a bit of a wheeze”

Graham Smith, campaign manager for the organisation “Republic”, said: “I think it goes to show the royal family are not a symbol of unity, it’s not something we can rally around, they’re quite divisive.

“People are saying they are not racist but on the evidence in the public domain I think that’s to the contrary.

“It also shows how hugely out of touch they are and that they live in a very isolated world, only mixing with a certain kind of person.”

Harry was caught on film three years ago referring to former Pakistani platoon member Ahmed Raza Khan as “our little Paki friend”.  It would seem the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree, as Prince Phillip whose racist language is bizarrely often excused as “gaffes” hasn’t exactly hidden his rampant ignorance and bigotry. In 1986, for example, the queen’s husband remarked to a British student during a visit to China: ‘‘If you stay here much longer, you will go home with slitty eyes.”

In 1998, during a tour of Papua New Guinea, he told another British student, ”You managed not to get eaten then?”

Or the time he told a British tourist who was visiting Budapest, Hungary: ”You can’t have been here that long — you haven’t got a pot belly.”

Definitely time for a republic I think ..

Kate Winslet And That Ann Summers Moment

This is what happens when you go to an awards ceremony and inadvertently leave your love eggs in situ! Ooooooh, Ahhhh!  Golden globes indeed !

Yes, yes yes YES !

Click audio below to find out  exactly what Kate had to say!

Prince Harry- An Apology

Before attending a recent fancy dress party with chums, Prince Harry gave an unreserved apology for using the term “Paki.” (Story here)

“It was a joke” said Harry, “One feels like an absolute spazzy using such outdated terminology. I accept it was,like, a totally gay thing to do and I apologise to all the blacks, my bird with the lovely tits  was mortified.”

As "Dumbledore"

In more controversy the “Half Wit Prince” says he was persuaded by chums to dress up “Just like Dumbledore” at a recent fancy dress bash in Henley. “I mean after one was tricked into dressing up as  the Hun last time, one can’t be too careful!  Surely nobody can take offence at one dressed up as a harmless, jolly old  wizard” . Indeed Harry, indeed.

Bernard Madoff-The Musical

The biggest fraud since George Michael passed himself off as straight, (story here.) Personally I think the movie industry should start make feel good films, to cheer us all up during the recession.

Gordon Brown Denies “Hero Complex”

“I saved the cheerleader” claims defiant Brown !! Yes, don’t worry people, Gordon Brown has “Saved The World” -(with a little help from SuperMan-delson!)- Hurrah ! (Story HERE)

Its Almost Christmas….

I must apologise for the lack of posting here, truth is the story dominating the political scene here in the UK , (Damian Green’s arrest) has been a huge, huge bore . Only the Daily Mail seem to care, the rest of us couldn’t give a flying f**k! …..( For a cure for insomnia read here. Personally I’d arrest the lot of them )

Anyway Christmas is nearly here and

Barack The Re-builder

The Von Pip Express would like to congratulate Mr Obama on his historic victory. We wish him well. To John McCain and Sarah Palin we feel it would be polite to express our commiserations, alas all we can say, hand on heart is…. “thank F**k! “

“Can We Fix It ? Yes We Can!”

(Listen to Barack’s Victory Song Below)

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Big Mouth Strikes Again

Well its been impossible to avoid in the UK , but perchance if you have lived in a cave here’s the story

My problem with it was the fact that Russell Brand and Jonathan “untouchable” Ross are paid between them over six million quid a year, for what? -So this is an example of their so called “edgy talent?  I’m sure the Beeb could walk into any school playground in the country and find more wit and ready repartee then this cretinous exercise in infantile “humour” ? Talk about dragging an unfunny joke out …(yawn.) It was only a matter of time before Woss’s increasingly pervy behaviour got him into trouble… At the end of the day It just wasn’t really very funny was it ? Whether it deserved the puritanical media storm that followed is another matter…The funniest thing to emerge from this was the Daily Mail going apoplectic about the matter-”a national disgrace”  etc – now that made me laugh !

Are We All Up Shit Creek?

But you have to laugh !

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Credit Crunch; Government refuses to increase Civil List

Yes even the royals are having a tough old time of it. Story here

The Party’s Over

Meanwhile, as the stockmarket disappears up the buttocks of greed, I too find myself lacking in empathy or sympathy ,

The chastening of so called “celebs” is of course one of the many advantages of a recession,  finally people can see that the  emperor really is bollock naked.

Red Army Blues

Vladimir Putin’s Desert Island Discs…

As all sides continue to huff and puff ( here)

“Red Army Blues” By The Waterboys

Beijing 2008

The atmosphere in Beijing is thick with excitement, as well as Ozone, Carbon Monoxide and Nitrogen oxides! Personally Im looking forward to the “Tiananmen Dash,” in which teams have to skillfully avoid tanks and volleys of bullets, the country with the most survivors wins ! Let the games begin….

“China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they’re commonly called in China, jails.” –Conan O’Brien

Recent  terrorist trouble in Xinjiang, has meant that local indie tribute band Ho Lean & The Xinjiang Xong, have dropped out of the Olympic opening ceremony. Lead singer Ho Lean explained “It’s not about the terrorist threat, or the fact that we annoy people, lots, we just felt it”s come too early in our career….anyway we want to make music that a tribe in Papua New Guinea can relate to…I want to be an other-worldly being! (CUCKOO!)

Rock N Roll Ain't Noise Pollution ?

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Blair Dumps More Trouble On Beleaguered Brown

Another day, another sh*t storm for PM Gordon Brown.  Just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse, Tony Blair dumps on him from a great height (story here) with news of a “leaked” memo.

Blair: "Dumping Or Leaking ?"

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What the heck it has to do with Alan Sugar is beyond me? I mean what next? Ant n’Dec on the economy? Joey Barton on prison reform and how not to be a tw*t ?

The Infinite Wisdom Of Jon Voight?

Crazy moon-faced Hollywood actor Jon Voight has gone all Norma Desmond on us this weekand deigned to let Joe Public know just what he thinks of Barack Obama. Loftily entitled “My Concerns for America” It’s unintentionally hilarious in an American Alan Partridge kind of way…

” It seems to me that if Mr. Obama wins the presidential election, then Messrs.Farrakhan, Wright, Ayers and Pfleger will gain power for their need to demoralize thiscountry and help create a socialist America.”

or check out this nugget on Vietnam

“The radicals of that era were successful in giving the communists power to bring forth the killing fields and slaughter 2.5 million people in Cambodia and South Vietnam. Did they stop the war, or did they bring the war to those innocent people? In the end, they turned their backs on all the horror and suffering they helped create and walked away.”

Hang on ! Isn’t this the same Jon Voight who starred as a paraplegic Vietnam vet in “Coming Home,” along side Anti-war campaigner Hanoi Jane (Fonda) ? And his character, Luke Martin, now what was his motivation in the movie ? Ah yes  “Luke has only one obsession: do anything to stop the sending of young guys to war.” Is that Napalm I can smell, or maybe just hypocrisy.It’s rather easy to see why Voight and “liberal” daughter Angelina Jolie, barely get along, isn’t it ?

But wait he’s back, rambling on about Obama’s sinister Communist agenda

“This is a perilous time, and more than ever, the world needs a united and strong America. If, God forbid, we live to see Mr.Obama president, we will live through a socialist era that America has not seen before, and our country will be weakened in every way.”

and like a true right wing redneck, he conjures up that old republican chestnut, the spectre of Nuclear war (Whoooooooo)

“There’s not a cell in my body that can accept the idea that Mr. Obama can keep us safe from the terrorists around the world, and from Iran, which is making great strides toward getting the atomic bomb.”

Fears for Voight’s sanity intensified last night,  as the hapless thespian was spotted, dressed as Abraham Lincoln, at poorly attended protest rally (namely Voight and his dog Jo-Buck Reagan III) outside Obama’s campaign quarters, pathetically chanting “He’s big/ He’s black/ Obama loves Iraq”

Elsewhere I paticulary enjoyed Marina Hyde’s take on this story in “The Guardian”

Voight – the political thinker of our age?
“To the Washington Times, where Jon Voight has broken another of his silences on the US election — in an op-ed piece the critics are calling his finest work since he phoned in his performance as the US defence secretary in Transformers last year. God, more than any other actor in the picture, he made Lost in Showbiz realise how vital it was that Megatron should never possess the AllSpark. And he brings that same fervour to the argument that Barack Obama should never possess the presidency.

Having explained that Obama is running as Louis Farrakhan’s enabler, and trying to “program” young American minds to turn commie, the entertainer sets out his stall as one of the foremost political thinkers of our age — and indeed the age in which he was last relevant. He blames liberals for Vietnam. “Did they stop the war,” he asks, “or did they bring the war to those innocent people?”

Something for us all to ponder.”

Milliband Tests The Water

Story HERE

British Gas In Biggest-Ever Hike In Gas Bills.

British Gas today hiked gas bills by 35% and electricity prices by 9% heaping more misery on households. The price hikes come into effect immediately and will add an extra £262.80 a year to the average dual fuel customer’s bill, or 72p a day. This news came after Jake Ulrich, the managing director of Centrica, which owns British Gas, angered aged charities and consumer groups by advising “ maybe it’s a case of two jumpers instead of one.”