Mandelson Leaks Embarrass Brown

Peter Mandelson revealed in an email, some  nine months before his return to cabinet that he thought Prime Minister Gordon Brown was “not comfortable in his own skin.” Story here

Mandelson on the other hand has no such problem….

Bad Week For Brown

Not been the best of weeks for the Prime Minister has it ?

Amongst the comings and goings in a week fraught with resignations, Machiavellian plotting and general media hysteria there was the curious case of Caroline Flint. She resigned claiming  that she was no longer willing to be treated as  “female window dressing”. Story here . We will certainly not be making any sexist jokes about being happy to offer Mrs Flint a position on our cabinet. No. She may have a valid point, but sadly she will stand accused by many, of playing the “sexist card”.  Her statement the day prior to her resignation would have many questioning her real motivation.

“I am staying in the government.”I have spent my entire ministerial career for six years now serving Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, and I am very proud to be in a Labour government and very proud to be part of Gordon Brown’s government.

Her position suddenly changed the following day when it transpired she wasnt to be offered the job she thought her “loyalty” deserved, as she sobbed “Several of the women attending cabinet – myself included – have been treated by you as little more than female window dressing.”I am not willing to attend cabinet in a peripheral capacity any longer.”

Brown of course denied he had  ever regarded Mrs Flint as “window dressing”, as our exclusive picture clearly demonstrates.

And to top it all………….…. ( Story here)

But despite all of the above, it doesn’t stop Cameron being a useless T*at either,  does it ?

A Nice Little Earner… MP’s Expenses

So when is fraud not fraud ? Why when its an MP expense claim of course!  With so many MP’s stating “it was a mistake , an oversight, I was badly advised” one wonders whether such cretins, whose numeracy seems rudimentary at best,  are really the right people to be holding the public purse strings, let alone run the country?

You can bet your bottom dollar if this was, say,  a housing benefit scam, or indeed any other abuse of public money, prosecutions would follow….we shall see….

Here are some the high profile cases, remember, this is your money folks..

Gordon Brown

Mr Brown used his expenses to pay his brother Andrew £6,577 for cleaning work at his Westminster flat between 2004 and 2006. The brothers shared the cleaner at their two flats. Under the arrangement, Andrew Brown paid the cleaner and the Prime Minister reimbursed his share of the cost.

Jack Straw

The Justice Secretary claimed for the full cost of council tax, even though he received a 50% discount from his local authority. He repaid the money last summer, shortly after a High Court ruling requiring the receipts to be published. In a note to the fees office he wrote: “Accountancy does not appear to be my strongest suit.”

David Miliband

The Foreign Secretary claimed almost £30,000 for doing up his £120,000 constituency home over five years, it was reported. He spent up to £180 every three months on the garden at the property in South Shields. At the bottom of one receipt for £132.96 in April 2008, his gardener wrote a note questioning whether some of the work was necessary.

Hazel Blears

The Communities Secretary claimed for three different properties in a single year, spending almost £5,000 of taxpayers’ money on furniture in three months.

Margaret Beckett

The Housing Minister found herself in trouble with the Fees Office after attempting to claim £600 for hanging baskets and pot plants.

Andy Burnham

The Culture Secretary wrote a note to the fees office in which he pleaded for his expenses to be paid urgently and even wrote he “might be in line for a divorce” if the money did not materialise within days.

John Prescott

The taxpayer paid for the former deputy prime minister to fit the front of his home in Hull with mock Tudor boards and for his toilet seat to be repaired twice in two years. ( I have a horrible mental picture at this point)

John Reid

The former Home Secretary’s claims included a £199 pouffe, a £370 armchair, an £899 sofa and a £29.99 a “black glitter toilet seat”. ( Nice, so much for the “hard man” image eh?)

David Cameron

The Tory leader claimed a total of £82,450 on his second home allowance over five years which included a £680 bill for repairs to the property relating to the  clearing wisteria and vines from a chimney and replacing outside lights . (Good God, even his expense claims are bland and dull ! )

Oliver Letwin

Mr Letwin, who is in charge of drawing up the Conservative general election manifesto, claimed more than £2,000 to replace a leaking pipe under his tennis court. He said he had been ordered to mend the pipe by the local water company and did not make any improvements to the court or his garden. The taxpayer also picked up the tab for regular services to his Aga cooker.

Greg Barker

Mr Barker – the first prominent Tory to be caught up in the expenses row – reportedly made a £320,000 profit on a flat he bought at the taxpayers’ expense.

David Willetts

The shadow innovation, universities and skills secretary claimed £115 plus VAT to replace 25 light bulbs at his second home in west London. On the same claim – part of a £2,191 invoice for odd jobs that included cleaning a shower head – Mr Willetts charged another £80 to “change light bulbs in bathroom”. But parliamentary authorities pared the bill back by more than £1,000, refusing to refund £175 for a dog enclosure and £750 for a shed base. According to the Daily Telegraph, the fees office frequently cut his claims because of errors or overclaims.

Nick Herbert

The shadow environment secretary claimed back £10,000 of the £14,700 stamp duty when he bought a home with his partner in his constituency. He also charged for fees and a survey of the property in Arundel, West Sussex and claimed for the entire monthly mortgage interest even though his partner’s name was on the deeds

lan Duncan

The shadow leader of the Commons claimed thousands of pounds for his garden before agreeing with the fees office that the spending “could be considered excessive”. Millionaire Mr Duncan recouped £4,000 over three years. However, a £3,194 bill for gardening in March 2007 was not paid after officials responded suggesting that the claim might not be “within the spirit” of the rules, according to the Daily Telegraph. In a letter to the MP for Rutland and Melton, the fees office said that it expected gardening costs “to cover only basic essentials such as grass cutting”.

Nick Clegg

The current Lib Dem leader reported had his second home allowance docked last year after exceeding the £23,083 maximum by more than £100. Other claims made included £1,657.32 for food, and phone bills which included calls to Colombia and Vietnam.

Chris Huhne

The Lib Dem’s home affairs spokesman regularly submits claims for food and groceries including pints of milk, fluffy dusters and chocolate biscuits. Millionaire Mr Huhne, who is MP for Eastleigh in Hampshire, also expensed a £119 trouser press which was delivered to his main London home.

So how did this system of corruption ever become just a perk of the job ? Well as with many of societies ills it’s all Thatchers fault. According to Michael Brown, former Tory MP, Margaret Thatcher is to blame as she blocked a salary increase and introduced allowances instead, thus deceiving the electorate. “Cheeky Boy” Lembit Opik also backed up this claim saying that the whole system is wrong but that it was Thatcher’s fault because she introduced the current system and, he claimed,  encouraged MP’s to use expense claims as a means of supplementing their income.

Time for Madame Guillotine to make an appearance me thinks

“Margaret On the Guillotine” By Morrissey

The Problem With “Comic Relief”

“Today a colleague suggested I might like to shave my hair off, bark like a dog for the  day or dress up as character from Pirates of the Caribbean, all in the name of Comic Relief … I suggested he might like to F**k off.  If the incident proved anything it proved he didn’t know me very well at all….(he also brought in an enormous tray of  Red Nose cakes, and failed to see the irony-help those without food by celebrating with a huge cake! )

Comic Relief ?  Isn’t that the annual event which broadcasts  the ridiculous spectacle of  Lenny Henry attempting to  revive his flagging career, but merely sees the BBC cast as a desperate paramedic giving the kiss of life  to the  freshly exhumed corpse  that is Henry’s career?  Lets face it, the man’s about as funny as a case of gonorrhea, but without the social  relevance. But Comic Relief? Ah yes, that backslapping national w*nk fest when we feel at one with our celeb pals . Personally I find it nauseating, patronising and totally misguided. The so called 3^rd world doesn’t want our charity or our pity they want independence and self respect … but being charitable makes us feel good about ourselves doesn’t it?

Sadly well meaning donations aren’t  the answer,  it’s just a way to assuage the minor twinges of conscience we sometimes get about the “poor people.” Yet there’s enough money in the world to really make a difference and to give the  ”3rd World” a real chance to develop, alas  the capitalist system dictates that  they must instead be treated as inferior beings, deserving of pity only when dullards such as U2’s Bongo or Barlow or Moyles  prick our  national conscience ( prick being the operative word. )  Hey Kids ! Let’s give Africa some crumbs of comfort from our table of plenty when we have finished gorging ourselves to bursting point. All charity does is provide a temporary stop-gap, never a solution and it lets governments off the hook. While there are charities, Brown /Bush (the juries out on Obama as yet) can still afford to spend millions on their phoney “War on Terror” ( my mate Trevor’s dyslexic and sh*t himself when he first read that phrase! ) and bail out the corrupt bankers, and multi nationals.

Political pressure on governments could achieve a real sea change in how we live our lives, if we were prepared to make even some small sacrifices.  Sadly we consider sitting in tubs of custard to be the only real sacrifice we need make. But  hey! It shows we really are wacky, fun loving people, why I bet those African folk can hardly contain their mirth!

The long term solution is political, but of course that’s not really very entertaining is it, that’s boring and dull and worthy and dry innit?  And of course the petit-bourgeois love their charitable fun don’t they? If Davina says it’s cool to have fun and raise money then it must be OK mustn’t it? And Davina’s ,like, a gal’s best mate isn’t she ? I bet it would be great to go the pub with her cos she’s like, so down to earth and sh*t

Urrgh!  So F**K off Bongo, Gary Barlow, David Beckham and all your backslapping sanctimonious chums, all you hypocrite millionaire rock stars and Z list celebs, with your jets and your mansions and your lectures about how we should donate money … …Mind you I’ll give money willingly  to keep Chris Moyles and Gary Barlow atop Kilimanjaro permanently, Brokeback Mountain for the terminally dull and talentless perhaps ? ….

You do wonder about peoples self worth when they have to live their lives vicariously through modern day philosophers like Cheryl and Jade and Myleene and Chris and Gary and their ilk.  The most profound thing I’ve ever heard Fern Cotton say is “Wicked innit” and frankly it changed my life.  Could she be any more bland? Well yes, the afore mentioned Davina would suggest so.

Of course comic relief also helps celebs feel good about themselves too, raises their profile  and in their disconnected little heads they can actually justify receiving a weekly wage which would keep a small African republic’s economy afloat.  As Chumbawamba once sang  with reference to Live Aid ” Pictures of Starving Children Sell Records” and they  win Oscars too. In “Slum Dog Millionaire” only the good looking kids were cast, you know, the ones who have large liquid poetic eyes, like deep wells of misery and they are of course eminently  photogenic . “For god sakes keep the ugly sick kids away from the cameras ….Jeez the ones with no teeth, conjunctivitis and rotting limbs might put  the cinema going public off their pop corn, and we don’t want to deal with reality really do we, this aint a f**king liberal commie pinko documentary Danny, this is entertainment for god sakes” !

People will defend comic relief saying its better to do something than nothing. I’m not advocating doing nothing, I’m talking about taking radical action, doing something more than wearing a bright red nose like a badge of honour one day a year to denote your compassion and then behaving like a c*nt for the rest of the year. Lets pay more tax , lets boycott celebs who get paid stupid money, lets donate  our season ticket money for next years football to pressure groups. Will you do that? Or will you merely wear a red nose and donate a fiver once a year .

But we are all manipulated by the media and led by celebs and we lap it up, all of us!  Take the case of poor Jade Goody, is she really now an embodiment of the nations grief? Did Gordon Brown really have to say “Jane Goody’s plight is of concern to the nation” to be honest it took me a while trying to work out who this “Jane” lass was .  But the Jade Goody coverage makes me want to vomit my own kidneys up.  Cancer negates racism eh? So she’s now cast as Mother Theresa, and displaced “poor little Maddie” in the nation’s hearts. Sad as it is that someone so young is dying, the voyeuristic hour by hour updates are truly ghoulish, sick and deeply disturbing, but African kids sell records and pictures of Jade sell newspapers and Joe Public LOVE it ! They want to actually see her die….they demand that final tragic picture….

It seems that today fame is the only justification for anybody’s existence, and our obsession with the lives of people who we don’t even know, seems to be the only way the masses feel connected. We’ll spend hours searching the net and magazines for Jade related stories, cos we care,   yet next door our 80 year old neighbour has been dead for a week…………… nobodies noticed.

It’s a twisted world ….

Obama Keen To Avoid ‘Trade War’

Responding to criticism of the Buy America clause in the $900 billion stimulus package, the President said he was eager to avoid being protectionist. After a flurry of European criticism concerning a ‘Buy America’ clause contained in the almost $900 billion stimulus plan, US president Barack Obama said that he is keen to avoid a trade conflict.

“I think it would be a mistake though, at a time when worldwide trade is declining, for us to start sending a message that somehow we’re just looking after ourselves and not concerned with world trade,”

STORY HERE

Goodbye and Good Riddance.

It was erm surreal..

“American Idiot” By Green Day

And the party to celebrate George W’s legacy was in full swing earlier today..

The Best Of Bush

What Constitutes A War Crime?

Q: When is a war crime not a war crime?

A: When you have one of  Uncle George W’s “Get Out Of Jail” cards

War On Terror Wrong

The “War On Terror was wrong” said David Milliband today. (story here) Still it’s of little comfort to Brian, Larry and Henry (below,) all accused of crimes of terror, which turned their world upside down!

Wrongly Accused-The "Terror Trio"

“I was literally shitting me self” said Larry Talbot, a rather hirsute labourer from Croydon, London.   Meanwhile Professor Henry Jarrod’s popular Wax Museum had to close through a concerted “whispering campaign“.  And spare a thought for Brian Stoker, a Dentist from Middlesborough, who spent six months in Guantanamo Bay. “I’m suing” said a furious Mr Stoker, yesterday.

An Innocent Abroad

Royal Family In New Race Row

The Royal family found themselves caught up in a new race row today after it emerged the Prince of Wales has been calling an Asian friend by the nickname “Sooty”.

Prince Charles with friends Jamie Phelps Gore Booth "Sweep" and ("Far Right") Kolin Dhillon "Sooty" at the Cirencester Polo club, yesterday

This is not the first time the royals have been embroiled in accusations of racism. Prince Harry was pictured dressed in a Nazi uniform at a fancy dress party. The Queen has referred to people of African descent as “fuzzy wuzzys and Prince Phillip it is alleged, thinks “Combat 18″ “a bit of a wheeze”

Graham Smith, campaign manager for the organisation “Republic”, said: “I think it goes to show the royal family are not a symbol of unity, it’s not something we can rally around, they’re quite divisive.

“People are saying they are not racist but on the evidence in the public domain I think that’s to the contrary.

“It also shows how hugely out of touch they are and that they live in a very isolated world, only mixing with a certain kind of person.”

Harry was caught on film three years ago referring to former Pakistani platoon member Ahmed Raza Khan as “our little Paki friend”.  It would seem the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree, as Prince Phillip whose racist language is bizarrely often excused as “gaffes” hasn’t exactly hidden his rampant ignorance and bigotry. In 1986, for example, the queen’s husband remarked to a British student during a visit to China: ‘‘If you stay here much longer, you will go home with slitty eyes.”

In 1998, during a tour of Papua New Guinea, he told another British student, ”You managed not to get eaten then?”

Or the time he told a British tourist who was visiting Budapest, Hungary: ”You can’t have been here that long — you haven’t got a pot belly.”

Definitely time for a republic I think ..

Kate Winslet And That Ann Summers Moment

This is what happens when you go to an awards ceremony and inadvertently leave your love eggs in situ! Ooooooh, Ahhhh!  Golden globes indeed !

Yes, yes yes YES !

Click audio below to find out  exactly what Kate had to say!

Prince Harry- An Apology

Before attending a recent fancy dress party with chums, Prince Harry gave an unreserved apology for using the term “Paki.” (Story here)

“It was a joke” said Harry, “One feels like an absolute spazzy using such outdated terminology. I accept it was,like, a totally gay thing to do and I apologise to all the blacks, my bird with the lovely tits  was mortified.”

As "Dumbledore"

In more controversy the “Half Wit Prince” says he was persuaded by chums to dress up “Just like Dumbledore” at a recent fancy dress bash in Henley. “I mean after one was tricked into dressing up as  the Hun last time, one can’t be too careful!  Surely nobody can take offence at one dressed up as a harmless, jolly old  wizard” . Indeed Harry, indeed.

Bernard Madoff-The Musical

The biggest fraud since George Michael passed himself off as straight, (story here.) Personally I think the movie industry should start make feel good films, to cheer us all up during the recession.

Gordon Brown Denies “Hero Complex”

“I saved the cheerleader” claims defiant Brown !! Yes, don’t worry people, Gordon Brown has “Saved The World” -(with a little help from SuperMan-delson!)- Hurrah ! (Story HERE)

Its Almost Christmas….

I must apologise for the lack of posting here, truth is the story dominating the political scene here in the UK , (Damian Green’s arrest) has been a huge, huge bore . Only the Daily Mail seem to care, the rest of us couldn’t give a flying f**k! …..( For a cure for insomnia read here. Personally I’d arrest the lot of them )

Anyway Christmas is nearly here and

Barack The Re-builder

The Von Pip Express would like to congratulate Mr Obama on his historic victory. We wish him well. To John McCain and Sarah Palin we feel it would be polite to express our commiserations, alas all we can say, hand on heart is…. “thank F**k! “

“Can We Fix It ? Yes We Can!”

(Listen to Barack’s Victory Song Below)

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Big Mouth Strikes Again

Well its been impossible to avoid in the UK , but perchance if you have lived in a cave here’s the story

My problem with it was the fact that Russell Brand and Jonathan “untouchable” Ross are paid between them over six million quid a year, for what? -So this is an example of their so called “edgy talent?  I’m sure the Beeb could walk into any school playground in the country and find more wit and ready repartee then this cretinous exercise in infantile “humour” ? Talk about dragging an unfunny joke out …(yawn.) It was only a matter of time before Woss’s increasingly pervy behaviour got him into trouble… At the end of the day It just wasn’t really very funny was it ? Whether it deserved the puritanical media storm that followed is another matter…The funniest thing to emerge from this was the Daily Mail going apoplectic about the matter-”a national disgrace”  etc – now that made me laugh !

Are We All Up Shit Creek?

But you have to laugh !

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Credit Crunch; Government refuses to increase Civil List

Yes even the royals are having a tough old time of it. Story here

The Party’s Over

Meanwhile, as the stockmarket disappears up the buttocks of greed, I too find myself lacking in empathy or sympathy ,

The chastening of so called “celebs” is of course one of the many advantages of a recession,  finally people can see that the  emperor really is bollock naked.

Red Army Blues

Vladimir Putin’s Desert Island Discs…

As all sides continue to huff and puff ( here)

“Red Army Blues” By The Waterboys

Beijing 2008

The atmosphere in Beijing is thick with excitement, as well as Ozone, Carbon Monoxide and Nitrogen oxides! Personally Im looking forward to the “Tiananmen Dash,” in which teams have to skillfully avoid tanks and volleys of bullets, the country with the most survivors wins ! Let the games begin….

“China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they’re commonly called in China, jails.” –Conan O’Brien

Recent  terrorist trouble in Xinjiang, has meant that local indie tribute band Ho Lean & The Xinjiang Xong, have dropped out of the Olympic opening ceremony. Lead singer Ho Lean explained “It’s not about the terrorist threat, or the fact that we annoy people, lots, we just felt it’’s come too early in our career….anyway we want to make music that a tribe in Papua New Guinea can relate to…I want to be an other-worldly being! (CUCKOO!)

Rock N Roll Ain't Noise Pollution ?

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Blair Dumps More Trouble On Beleaguered Brown

Another day, another sh*t storm for PM Gordon Brown.  Just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse, Tony Blair dumps on him from a great height (story here) with news of a “leaked” memo.

Blair: "Dumping Or Leaking ?"

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What the heck it has to do with Alan Sugar is beyond me? I mean what next? Ant n’Dec on the economy? Joey Barton on prison reform and how not to be a tw*t ?

The Infinite Wisdom Of Jon Voight?

Crazy moon-faced Hollywood actor Jon Voight has gone all Norma Desmond on us this weekand deigned to let Joe Public know just what he thinks of Barack Obama. Loftily entitled “My Concerns for America” It’s unintentionally hilarious in an American Alan Partridge kind of way…

” It seems to me that if Mr. Obama wins the presidential election, then Messrs.Farrakhan, Wright, Ayers and Pfleger will gain power for their need to demoralize thiscountry and help create a socialist America.”

or check out this nugget on Vietnam

“The radicals of that era were successful in giving the communists power to bring forth the killing fields and slaughter 2.5 million people in Cambodia and South Vietnam. Did they stop the war, or did they bring the war to those innocent people? In the end, they turned their backs on all the horror and suffering they helped create and walked away.”

Hang on ! Isn’t this the same Jon Voight who starred as a paraplegic Vietnam vet in “Coming Home,” along side Anti-war campaigner Hanoi Jane (Fonda) ? And his character, Luke Martin, now what was his motivation in the movie ? Ah yes  “Luke has only one obsession: do anything to stop the sending of young guys to war.” Is that Napalm I can smell, or maybe just hypocrisy.It’s rather easy to see why Voight and “liberal” daughter Angelina Jolie, barely get along, isn’t it ?

But wait he’s back, rambling on about Obama’s sinister Communist agenda

“This is a perilous time, and more than ever, the world needs a united and strong America. If, God forbid, we live to see Mr.Obama president, we will live through a socialist era that America has not seen before, and our country will be weakened in every way.”

and like a true right wing redneck, he conjures up that old republican chestnut, the spectre of Nuclear war (Whoooooooo)

“There’s not a cell in my body that can accept the idea that Mr. Obama can keep us safe from the terrorists around the world, and from Iran, which is making great strides toward getting the atomic bomb.”

Fears for Voight’s sanity intensified last night,  as the hapless thespian was spotted, dressed as Abraham Lincoln, at poorly attended protest rally (namely Voight and his dog Jo-Buck Reagan III) outside Obama’s campaign quarters, pathetically chanting “He’s big/ He’s black/ Obama loves Iraq”

Elsewhere I paticulary enjoyed Marina Hyde’s take on this story in “The Guardian”

Voight – the political thinker of our age?
“To the Washington Times, where Jon Voight has broken another of his silences on the US election — in an op-ed piece the critics are calling his finest work since he phoned in his performance as the US defence secretary in Transformers last year. God, more than any other actor in the picture, he made Lost in Showbiz realise how vital it was that Megatron should never possess the AllSpark. And he brings that same fervour to the argument that Barack Obama should never possess the presidency.

Having explained that Obama is running as Louis Farrakhan’s enabler, and trying to “program” young American minds to turn commie, the entertainer sets out his stall as one of the foremost political thinkers of our age — and indeed the age in which he was last relevant. He blames liberals for Vietnam. “Did they stop the war,” he asks, “or did they bring the war to those innocent people?”

Something for us all to ponder.”

Milliband Tests The Water

Story HERE

British Gas In Biggest-Ever Hike In Gas Bills.

British Gas today hiked gas bills by 35% and electricity prices by 9% heaping more misery on households. The price hikes come into effect immediately and will add an extra £262.80 a year to the average dual fuel customer’s bill, or 72p a day. This news came after Jake Ulrich, the managing director of Centrica, which owns British Gas, angered aged charities and consumer groups by advising “ maybe it’s a case of two jumpers instead of one.”

Reject The Tory “Status Quo” Urges Milliband

( Story here )

Parliament goes “X-Factor” as Labour urges voters to reject the Tory Status Quo..

But who will the public vote for ….The David Milli-band perhaps ?

Joey Barton Models Latest Newcastle kit

Meanwhile in a far, far away land to the North, a cold land, barren and strangely devoid of trophies , Kevin Keegan  AKA King Kev (sic) explains why he won’t turn his back on soccer thug and all round low-life, Joey Barton. “I believe I can turn his life around, a bit like Jesus, I can show him the way, people just have to believe in me.”
Just before he was to visit “the real Santa” in la-la land, Keegan (the Christ), went on to explain, “People  may see me as naive, well fair enough, it’s a mans game and at the end of the day they are entitled to pays their monies and takes their choice” before he inexplicably ran out of clichés……

Labour “Big Guns” Behind Brown

Its great to know everybody’s behind you, Gordon (story here.)  Is Jack Straw really revolting ?

And then there are the Blairites who dream of the day their knight in shining armour rides in to save poor Gordon. But what is one persons dream, is another’s nightmare !

Trust Me I’m A Doctor

Doctors have spoken out against annual testing which is to be introduced by the General Medical Council. They fear this will undermine public confidence in them and it would mean doctors spending less time with patients and practising “defensive medicine”. Story here

Hollywood And BBC Deny Tasteless Cash-In Accusation

Seriously, it’s only a matter of time innit?  . Problem is , whose gonna tell the kids ?

And the Beeb, it seems, are not adverse to bad taste

Thatcher State Funeral Controversy

Should Thatcher, the wicked old witch have a state funeral? Should it not be something appropriate to sum up the nations feeling towards this evil hag ? Possibly something like this…………

As Frankie Boyle so eloquently put it

“surely it would be cheaper to buy everybody in Scotland a spade in order to dig a hole so deep thus enabling her to be delivered directly to Satan”

No State Funeral

Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead

What The Nation Thinks ?

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Help End Human Slavery

At £120,000 plus a week, I’d take that sort of slavery, over my own “freedom” any day.
Ronaldo complains that he is a modern day slave ,(story here ) whilst Frank Lampard claims Chelsea’s offer of £140,000 a week ( yes A WEEK) is an “insult.” (article here. ) So please, please spare a thought for poor Christiano and Frank, we share their pain.

Gordon Brown- “Call Me Heathcliff”

So our troubled PM Gordon Brown likens himself to the dark brooding anti hero in Emily Bronte’s classic tale of obsessive love “Wuthering Heights” …..hmmmm well he has a point I suppose (story here)

Universal Economic Meltdown?

So the universal economic credit crunch continues to bite, but who is to blame, is it really all Gordon Brown’s fault, is he really responsible for the wolves being at the door ? And who can save us ?
The economy is certainly in need of a Doctor…..but who ?

Looks like we’re f**ked !

(ps/ And perhaps more importantly.. why has Billie Piper suddenly developed a lisp “Quick Doctha we need to escapth in the tardith ! ” Thankfully “Christotha Ecclethtan” left a few years back eh?

David Davis resigns over 42-day terror law

David Davis, shadow home secretary  and one of the Tories’ political heavyweights, stunned Westminster by announcing he was quitting as both an MP and Shadow Home Secretary to fight against the Government’s “strangulation” of British freedoms. Davis is apparently opposed to the anti-terror bill that allows the authorities to detain terror suspects without charge for up to 42 days.

The shadow home secretary, who threw the Conservative leadership into turmoil, forcing a byelection in his constituency, yesterday, unveiled his campaign team …..

Gordon Brown writes letter to John Terry

Apparently Prime Minister Gordon Brown wrote to footballer John Terry
to sympathise with himafter his penalty miss cost Chelsea the European
Champions League title……sadly it transpires John”Mr Chelsea” Terry
did not recieve said message …. apparently “he just missed the post”
… (story here)

The Champions League Final

New Bespoke designer  Suit £ 8,000
UnneccesarilyFlash Ferrari  £ 172,000
W.A.G. Approved Jimmy Choos £800.00
Ego massage £500.00

Falling over on your arse, when taking the most important
penalty in your clubs history in front of a global audience of billions…

PRICELESS !!

Rumours are that  Chelsea captain John Terry is looking for a
new boot sponsor

(Ps The Verve have released a tribute song to John Terry after his
penalty blunder…
Its called “The Studs Don’t Work”)

Meanwhile….

Boris To Shake Up City Hall

Boris Johnson, London’s new mayor has vowed to change the way people view City Hall. He denied suggestions  his election has made London a laughing stock, however…..

John Prescott Admits “I Ate All the Pies”

John Prescott admitted for the first time that he suffered from Bulimia for 20 years : “What I did was stuff my face with anything around, any old rubbish — burgers, chocolate, crisps, fish and chips, Labour Party policy,  loads of it, till I felt sick. But at least I’d had the pleasure of stuffing my face and feeling really full. Then there would be a weird kind of pleasure in vomiting over Tony Blair and feeling relieved.”
Friends say they are stunned. Neighbour Eric Marmasat said yesterday “ We are shocked that John has been suffering from an eating disorder, he was always a greedy b*stard, I`ll grant you, but we had no idea it was this bad, even the time a few years back when he ran across a farmers field once roaring “I MUST HAVE THE BACON !”   and  tried to eat a live pig we thought that was just John being John”

However as our  exclusive photos show  there may have been small tell tale  signs in the past which could provide some evidence of an unhealthy attitude to food.

Charlton Heston Dead

Holy Moses ! Finally !

He’ll be going somewhere a little hot me thinks (Story)

UPDATE:

On Tuesday evening we can reveal that Charlton Heston rather hopefully showed up at the pearly gates, assault rifle jauntily slung over his shoulder, as he prepared to meet his maker.  He was greeted at “Heavens Gate” by Saint Peter who had assumed the form of Cornelius from the Planet Of The Apes movies. We can also exclusively divulge that Charlton said unto Peter

“Oh lordy, if I’d have known that you were an ape, I would never have made that movie”,

and Peter replied “If you also knew that 80% of the people here are victims of gun violence, would you still have been the president of the NRA? Come along now Charlton please, give me the gun “

“From my Cold Dead Hands” mumbles a cantankerous old Charlton

Our souce in heaven tells us that Saint Peter smiled and gently tried to take the gun from Charlton’s stiffened gnarled old fingers, which were indeed cold and dead,  and were suffering from the advanced stages of rigor mortis, resembling an arthritic pigeons hideously deformed feet.

Alas Charlton was displeased

“Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!” he roared, thus ensuring a booking for all eternity at “The Ninth Circle” Lodge in the exclusive ” Judecca Suite,” right next to Judas Iscariot.

“Elevator going DOWN! “

Hilary Clinton – When Is A Lie Not A Lie?

She may well have considered her Balkan adventure to be a case of “Courage Under Fire” but we at the VPE think its more a case of “Liar Liar” Well the Clintons have redefined what constitutes infidelity and now many a bloke can say “well dear does a blowie really count ?” Now they have reinvented what a lie is ! Apparently she didn’t tell fibs, porkies or even lie, oh no , she simply “misspoke.” almost as if it was quite accidental . The language of politics eh ?”Misspoke” sounds somehow softer, cuddlier than “YUP I lied” and was probably employed to leave us scratching our heads . (“Misspoke?” What the F**k does that even mean ? What did she misspeak about ?..  Dunno Can’t remember now , Man I’m confused ! Pass me another Bud, Dolores”)

Now the only “congress” I thought Bill was interested in was that of a sexual nature, but I thought Hilary had a bit more sense. Apparently not ! Who would be daft enough to vote for such a rotten fibber, one whose lies were so rubbish that I do actually believe at one point her pants actually caught fire ! At least the current President is a fine…oh …..erm.. wait..Hmmm..point taken. Leave ‘em to it eh ! We note with no small amount of amusement that The Washington Post has awarded Hilary a “Four Pinocchio” rating

Seroxat – My Drug Buddy

“The Drugs Don’t Work” and evidently neither does the law. Read the story  here. It’s depressing.  Yet another loophole that sees big business getting away with murder

“The Drugs Don’t Work ” By The Verve

Labours Green Policies Slammed

The Independent call it “The Great Green Betrayal” . But are we surprised that Gordon Brown isn’t green ? He doesn’t do colours really does he ? He ditched red for blue, and now like John Major seems quite content with various shades of grey. He’s hardly the Jolly Green Giant, more the Dour Grey Ditherer. Why on earth he invited that mad old shrew, Thatcher, to Downing Street last year I’ll never know. What advice could  she give him “ The Climates Not For Changing? “ . The only woman who’d keep pushing a door until the end of time that says “Pull” whilst growling “This ladies not for turning!!”  Some call it conviction politics, I call it ” mad as a bleeding hatter!”

Ian Paisley-”The Mouth That Roared”

Now Ian Paisley ( the Politician who loved to say “NOI!” ie “no”) is retiring, what use can his gargantuan mouth be put to now? A not altogether attractive entrance to the Mersey Tunnel perhaps?

Harry Windsor, Just A Regular Joe!

After revelations that copper topped super hero Prince Harry has been fighting the Taliban single hand-idly, using only a tooth pick and plenty of British pluck in Afghanistan, the M.O.D have been quick to squash rumours that Harry was treated any differently to a regular soldier. They also deny that Harry’s presence there was a distraction, or that it could have put his unit in danger.  However our exclusive picture may suggest a different story…..

Beadles About – Erm Not Anymore..

Jeremy Beadle, well known joker and candid camera style prankster has died. Apprently the poor fellow was denied medical treatment for years, as his whole
family thought he was playing an elaborate practical joke. Even his Gp Dr Enst
Van Tickler scoffed at Mr. Beadles claims of illness saying ”Come along Jeremy,
very funny,you really are a hoot, but I do have  patients to deal with…”

I guess Jeremy really did have the last laugh

China Bans Non-Government Online-Video Sites

Reports from China  suggest that The CPC ( lead by President  Hu Jintao ) have blocked web surfers from accessing  You Tube (see story).

The authorities signalled yesterday that they would no longer tolerate the “broadcast of degenerate thinking”, which has buggered Simon Cowells attempt to get  the “X” or “ɕ” Factor on in China (or snappily known in The Peoples Republic  as  ”The Voiceless Alveolo-Palatal Fricative” Factor). I for one can see their point!

This Seasons Must Have Toy !

Unidentified Flying Object Over NYC !

Merry Christmas one and all xxx

Latest Casualty Figures For Iraq Released

As Gordon Brown flounders and bumbles, even now, the master of spin, Tony Blair, can somehow turn such a negative to an advantage

Kiefer Sutherland To Experience “Real Time”

The shooting for the next series of hit TV show “24″ suffers a few “hic-ups!” (see story)

CTU? DUI ?

A Cross To Bear

The Wacky Adventures Of Jesus The Bear 

“I’m A Celebrity”-Tabloid Tales And The Populist Wave

Well some may have thought the VP Express has gone a little tabloid,reporting on reality TV shows, but if its good enough for Joe Public and the rest of the UK press it’s good enough for us. Our reality TV experiment is now almost at an end, and there appears to have been no lasting damage done to the old grey matter(although we fear the same could not be said if we had watched “GMTV” or “Loose Women” over the same period of time.) So in essence did we enjoy watching “I’m A Celebrity ?” Well, actually yes we did, once we realised it was a chance to relax and let our brain go on holiday we were completely drawn in, this was entertainment for entertainment’s sake, a voyeuristic celeb fest of madness, stupidity and insect munching and it was bizarrely compelling ….

It also gave us the impression of belonging to a communal experience, and meant we could socially interact! Why only this Saturday Mr VP was able to chat with the young girl in Aldi,who was serving him at the checkout, about the relative merits of their new “chums” “Biggins” “Janice” “J” “Cerys” et all. Here’s how the conversation went

Aldi Lass : “Oooh That “J” was so boring , Oooh I don’t like Biggins, I think he might be gay, should have been Janice, she rocked, I reckon it was a fix, why does that Cerys one talk like she’s sucked on a helium balloon? Aren’t Ant And Dec great , I could imagine having a bevy with them in the pub, so down to earth, that Marc’s a rat …….. that’ll be £ 45.87 “

VP: “WHAT! for two packets of Wrigley’s Extra ???”

Aldi Lass: “Sorry Love , I thought you were as thick as pig sh*t as you watch reality TV and I therefore tried to distract you with friendly banter and then cunningly rip you off, no offence”

VP: “None taken , I haven’t got £45.87 in cash, will you take plastic? “

But now we feel a deep sense of bereavement, our new “friends” are no longer on TV everyday and we wonder what they have done since leaving the jungle. Will they produce hastily arranged and ill-advised cash ins to ride the populist wave ? We had a look at what some of this years celebs may be releasing to satisfy the insatiable public demand for all things jungely !

The Winner , Gods own Panto Dame Christopher Biggins

The Runner Up Janice Dickinson ( proving accountants were invented purely to help models do the math…)

Rodney Marsh, who proved yet again that in the Football world it will forever be 1975

I’m not saying “J” was dull or anything , but….

And of course the most annoying woman in Britain, if not the world

Still as we’ve said, no harm done. We’re just counting down the days for “Celebrity Love Island” to start !

It’s A Jungle Out There

They may well be publicity seeking, camera hogging, two faced, back stabbing drama Queens , but these people really do need your vote…..

Please validate their existence and vote

I’m The Prime Minister….Get Me Out Of Here !

So it transpires that Gordon Brown sought to appoint GMTV’s Fiona Phillips to a ministerial post (story here ), as he sees her as a “great communicator”.Brown is obviously taken with Phillips hard hitting interview style, and ability to get the big names on the GMTV couch, it’s believed the next stellar name she will be interviewing is Christopher Biggins. Phillips promises a “full and frank, no holds barred ” discussion in which she promises to reveal all about the seedy side of Panto, and ask the questions only she dare ask …for example, does he find cries of “behind you” during Panto, slightly homophobic? She also alludes to the fact that Biggins is to reveal how his dyslexia almost led to him losing his most famous role, that of Widow Twanky, and he could also openly discuss the shockingly true nature of his sexuality. Despite Ms Phillips turning down Gordos offer the VP Express can exclusively reveal that the Prime Minister has not given up hope of attracting a Celeb in order to curry favour with the voters. We can in fact reveal that Gordon is indeed much impressed by another lady currently appearing on TV. A lady whose diplomacy, and straight talking is legendary,she may be a little “off the wall” but Brown can see that her no nonsense approach is something the public have responded too and he is keen to cash in and ride the populist wave, rather like a fat sour faced  Scottish David Hasslehoff, with thread veins and a face hewn from lumpy dough.

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Jill Dando Shooting-Barry George Conviction “Unsafe”

The Court of Appeal ruled in favour of Barry George, 47, in his second attempt to overturn his conviction for the murder of BBC presenter Jill Dando, 37, who was shot dead on the steps of her west London home in April 1999.

“The verdict is unsafe. The conviction will be quashed,” said presiding judge Nicholas Phillips. George was remanded in custody, as no application was made for bail.

One wonders, if found innocent, who the police will fit -up investigate next? Another fantasist? A Freddie Mercury-o-gram ? Or maybe somebody with mental health problems ? Easy-peasy eh, its not about truth is it? it’s about being seen to get the right man, even if they are the wrong man…… just ask Gerard Hunter, Richard McIlkenny, Paddy Hill, Stephan Kisko or even Derek Bentley ( Ah, alas, too late!)

UPDATE: I posted this in November 2007, today 1/08/2008, Barry George is finally a free man. Read the story here.

Don’t'cha just love British Justice eh ? “Best in the world” as Ruth Ellis used to say!

The Poetry Of Boris Johnson

Well the nations favourite bumbling, cretinous, interbred albino buffoon has decided that, not content with standing as candidate for London mayor, what we really need is a dose of Bo-Jo’s Wildean wit and stunningly clever verse. Yes his remarkable book which concerns a fictional family who refuse to let their children watch TV is certainly something that has left me quite astonished …… he certainly proves that when it comes to “rhyming and stealing” Jay-Z has nothing to worry about. More inane rhymes I venture, have not been published since….well …since the dawn of time, Johnson remarkably makes me yearn for the unbearable gibberish of the highly irritating Dr Zeuss. In fact I thought Welsh Football coach and ex-Liverpool player John Toshack’s Dylan Thomas-esque book of verse “Gosh It’s Tosh” would take some beating :-“Coming in to land at Speke/My legs are feeling very weak/We’ve just returned from Barcelona/and now I’m going for a sauna.” But this is akin to WB Yeats compared to Boris’ efforts, check out these nuggets and tell me that Bozza’s time studying the classics wasn’t money well spent

“He’d zap the programme off and holler/’Go and read some Emile Zola.” - Profound in the extreme – I wager Zola would have saved the French government a job and actually blocked his own chimney to breathe in that sweet carbon monoxide if he’d have known he would have been name-checked within such facile tommy rot. But wait Boris has more gems for the discerning reader

“Behold them, reader, and despair:their lolling eyes, their glassy stare,

this formerly dynamic pair-In a double-seat wheelchair.” (WTF!!!!)

Despair indeed , and this from a man who was once “Tory Arts Champion” and stated in 2004 that he wished “to reverse the decline of verse” ….Yes the Boris Johnson “Make Poetry History” campaign has got off to a flyer!

Are David Cameron And Jeremy Kyle The Same Person ?

Well I’ve never seen them together, they have the same finger jabbing pomposity , the same narcissistic desire to be taken seriously and both shout for no good reason as they implore people to “Look me in the eye, come on, look me in the eye , do you really hand on heart expect, me and the great British public, to believe that you didn’t have sex with the neighbours Alsatian whilst high on “Domestos” /implement this stealth tax*, Wayne/ Chelsea Lou /Prime Minister? *“…………. I really can’t tell them apart these days

(*delete which is applicable)

Jeremy Kyle, yesterday

David Cameron wins out, jabbing a finger  at  bumbling Gordon, in Parliament yesterday